A
female
age
26-29,
*Oy CrAzY;}
writes:Hey everyone I need a little help as some of you know my dad past away not to long ago. And my Mom seems to be over it already cause she's getting married and I just got out of the hospital a little while ago cause of my accident with a dirtbike. So I just found out not to long ago and she wants me to call him dad and I was like hell no!! And we're fighting cause he said that he was gonna be my new father and I told my mom that he told me that and he didn't just say it he pushed me up against the wall and I told my mom this and all she said was " well he is going to be your father cause we're getting married!!" and I called her a heartless bitch for fetting over my dad so fast and thinking that this dick head loser face could ever replace my father!! And he drinks and I hate it cause he hit my little siblings and they had to go live with my aunt and I didn't go cause I knew that my dad would want me to protect my mom.....and everytime I try to tell her that my dad wouldn't like her decisions she just says that my dads gone and she's happy and that's all that matters!!! And I don't know what to do cause I'm thinking about leaving but I don't want her to be hurt and if I leave it would disapoint my dad......and I don't want that should I stay or what I need help........please....... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): GET OUT NOW!
I know you want to protect your mother, but this is her own stupid choice, and you or your siblings should not suffer because of it. shure, you love your mother, but she`s a grown woman , your just a child, it`s not supposed to be like this.
Your stepdad is a real bastard, and trust me, he won`t lay of your mother just because you`re in his face trying to distract him. No dad would ever want his daughter to go through this, so leaving for your own good won`t be disapointing him!
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Go live with your aunt. Really.
Your mother can't be protected but you can.
I know you want to keep her safe but you can't. Abuse victims got to figure out on their own that they are in a bad situation and they need to get out of it, on their own.
Once they made this descision you can support them but the sad thing is that before that they often see support as interference.
In your case "If only you would call him dad, he would stop being abusive". And while we call abuse victims, victims, they themselve can become abusive as well.
"She's happy and that is all that matters." So her oldest daughter is unhappy, her other childeren are out of the house, but everything is alright, because SHE is happy.
I know you want to fight, to do something. You might indeed be like your father because men are problem fixes. Problem - Solution. Years ago I was part of a group of mates who beat up a guy who had messed up a friends sister. We took take care of him and felt really good about ourselves. But all we ended up doing is make her run back to him and nurse him claiming nobody understood him and everyone was against them etc etc. We didn't solve shit. Might even have made things worse.
The problem really isn't your stepfather, it is your mother. She is the one who needs to realize what HER actions of being with him are causing. Her family has been torn apart by HER actions. Not his. He was an abusive drunk LONG before you ever met him. Only once SHE started dating him, did it affect your family.
You can't make her chance her mind. I wish you could because if you could thousand of abuse victims could be saved from their lifes. But you can't.
Get out of there. Stop giving her an excuse for his bad behavior and maybe when the two of them are alone she will come to see things as they really are. But if you stay there you only risk the abuse getting worse, screwing up your own childhood while her being able to blame his actions on you.
Your dad would want you to be save and take care of your siblings. You mother is an adult and should be taking care of you. Not the other way around. You can't. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, bOy CrAzY;} +, writes (11 July 2009):
bOy CrAzY;} is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks guys.......I know that your all right but I'm alot like my father I can't just sit back while this ass tears every good thing in my life apart!! If I'm there than I can piss him off and he'll focus on me and not my mom!! I know it sounds crazy but I love her so much cause HELLO the woman gave me life!! I can't just turn my back on her!!! It wouldn't be right!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): i have been in the same situation PLEASE LEAVE do NOT deel with the a$$ hole
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A
female
reader, babymama99 +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Sweetheart, I know you feel a certain responsibility for your mom, maybe stiming from the fact that you are the oldest. But, your mother has made her decision to stay with this moron and there is pretty much nothing you can do about it. so don't blame yourself if something happens you can't control two idiot grown people.
but let me assure you that your father would NEVER want you to stay in a situation that was not healthy for you. Think about it. do you think if your father knew that you were in the same house with an abusive alcoholic that he would tell you to stay and protect your mother? I DON'T THINK SO.
Your mother is susposed to protect YOU not the other way around. It seems that right now she is failing in her responsibilities to you and your siblings. I don't know what is going on with her but its not for you to try and figure out. the best thing for you to do right now is to get someplace safe. I am sure that is what your father would want for you. A safe an happy environment.
If loosing ALL of her children dosen't snap some sense into your mothers head than I don't know what will.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 I understand that you want to protect your mother, but your first responsibility is towards yourself. I suggest you give serious consideration to living with your aunt or any relative who can care for you. If your mother is marrying someone who she knows has assaulted her children then I wouldn't rely on her to protect you in the future. I think you should call the police since this man has assaulted you and that is illegal. It sounds as if he has abused your siblings too. I think your father would be giving you the same advice - you are a child and you cannot protect your mother from this man, particularly if she doesn't want to be protected. If you move out and it is just the pair of them then she may realise how much she is sacrificing for this man - her children SHOULD come first! If she doesn't realise this, then it is up to her to learn from her own mistakes in her own time and for you and your siblings to continue your childhood/ adolescence in a safe environment away from this man.
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A
female
reader, Inlovewithhim1224 +, writes (11 July 2009):
 Well hun i lost my father 3 years ago now and yes it is tough to deal with.
My mom is still single and the though of her being with someone else upsets me very much.
She has gone on any dates and personally i don't think she wants to.
But about your soon-to-be step dad just let him know that he is not your father. He is only by a piece of paper. You should not have to call him dad if you don't want to especially if he is abusive. Let your mom know that too. That you should have to call him dad if you don't want to. Let her know that you love her and that your happy she's happy but that you don't think he is the right guy for her or for your family.
If your mom isn't listening i think she is just being selfish and just wants to be happy that she's happy. I know you are worried about dissapointing your dad but just remember that he'll always love you and cares about your safety. If your step dad gets to abusive with you or your mom you should call the police right away. Abuse should never be tolorated.
If you don't feel comfortable staying there, then your dad would want you to leave. If your mom gets hurt then hopefully she'll learn. You have to let her make her own mistakes. If it helps you can always talk to your other family members and get their take on the situation and let them know about your step dad's problems.
Hope i helped!
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A
female
reader, Azula  +, writes (11 July 2009):
 You should find a member on the family that could understand you or better, in the side of you. Maybe someone close to your mom or a great influence to your family or someone who has a big position. Then think what is the best solution.
What's going on your mom? I think she was blinded by something. Or too much grief for her to find another one to fulfill her needs. Just can't get over with the turn of events. That kind of guy is a total disaster. Don't let him into your family or he things might get worst. You don't know what he can do. He can ruin everything.
For now take extra care. Be alert and be careful at everything.
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