A
female
age
26-29,
*S007
writes:My dad passed away in 2009 by suicide. I was 13 at the time my sister was 2.. In 2010 my mum met this guy -let's call him Jay. They dated for awhile until my mum fell pregnant and the family forced them to get married -she had a miscarriage. During 2010 I was trying to cope with alot- my dad's death,separation from my cousins due to a falling out with my uncle and mum and whilst my dad was alive we were multi millionaires, on the surface, underneath it all, we were broke.(which I didn't know at the time, I was a kid) I even had a jet named after me to put things into perspective. When he died he left half of whatever he had left (approx 5 million) to my mum and the other half to his business partner who was also his older brother. Which is not much in South Africa ( 1 USD = 14 south African rands) 2.5 million can barely buy you a 3 bedroom house in a good area. So I had to cope with a totally different way of life aswell as this new man in my house. Trying to cope with everything included- being a rebellious 14-20 year old, always going out and keeping myself busy which resulted in me never at home during the day, never allowing myself to be alone because I would always fall into a sort of depression.. so I would go out with my friends almost every weekend. (And be home by 10 latest every time) occasionally I would stay over at friends houses or they would come to stay at my house. Anyway back to the story. Jay grew up in a very conservative Muslim household and my family was not very religious at all. Agnostic for lack of a better term. Jay had a problem with me painting my nails. Going out with my friends. Coming home after 5 PM etc etc. Also note he is 10 years older than me and 12 years younger than my mum. And the pressure he put me under really took a toll. I'm a very artistic person and even do my own art works. So my clothing and nail art was a form of expression to me. Which I explained multiple times but he was worried about my image being associated with him. Jay always had a very bad temper and would swear and slam things during arguments and if he swore me I would swear him back. The one day in 2010 I left the kitchen back door open by mistake he woke up the next morning and threw a MAJOR BITCH FIT about it. Saying I'm putting my little sister and mother in danger etc but we lived in a gated estate. So idk. Anyway I barely remember it now but I apparently gave him some attitude or mimicked his way of talking and he held me against the wall and strangled me. My friend was staying over that night and heard and saw everything. Over the next 8 years this cycle of abuse would continue and get worse as the years went on. There were times I had to lock myself in the bathroom while he tried to tear the door down. Times he kicked me in my chest. Slapped me or punched me. He even pulled a gun on me once. He had this superiority complex as if he is the man of the house now and can do whatever he wants. And my mum would pull him off me and not talk to him for a week and that was his punishment. But evidently it would just "go back to normal" the following week. And she would blame me for being rebellious and back chatting him or swearing him back or just generally making excuses for him. When I dared to lay a charge on him she guilted me into withdrawing my charge because what would people say and my sister would grow up in a broken home. So fast forward to 2016 I'm just out of high school and my boyfriend asks me to marry him and move in with him- yay finally an escape plan- We get married and get our own flat. Little do I know my husband is on drugs. This problem just got worse and worse as the years went on and this year I finally had the courage to leave him so I come back home. I get to my mum's house on Saturday the 18th of Jan 2020. My mum at this point has told me that everything has settled down at home jay says it's fine I can live with them till I'm on my feet again. Monday night I hear him calling me a bitch and talking shit about my dead father. My sister then opens up to me and tells me he's been threatening to be violent with her aswell and she wants to come live with me when I get my own place. Anyway things escalate and he leaves the house and says if I'm staying there then he will go and he doesn't come back. Today he calls my mum to meet him to discuss the future. He says he made a mistake blah blah blah. He wants to talk to us and apologize. Immediately I said no. My sister says no. Neither of us want to hear anymore of his bullshit. Now my mum comes from a family of very abusive men so this type of life seems normal to her. But my father was the most down to earth caring man I've ever known who literally sacrificed his life for the reputation and status of our family. She wants to give him a second chance and my sister tells her she's scared of Jay and doesn't want him back in this house and she's been waiting for this day for a long time. And my mum promises her. "I promise I will never let him lay a finger on you" and I reply by saying "so how come you let It go on for so many years with me" and she says she was not in the right mindframe at the time due to my dad's death etc. The more I think of what happened to me these past 10 years the more I hate my mum for not protecting me or doing something more for me when this stranger was abusing me. I can see she is sad and I can see she is lonely and disoriented and all she wants is a peaceful family. I've sat with her for hours trying to explain to her how she can have anyone she wants - she's a bombshell but I feel my words landing on deaf ears. I even told her if she wants him back or wants to be in a relationship with him then she can do that. She can go meet him or bring him home but as long as my sister and I are not home and she can even go stay with him whenever she wants in his own apartment or whatever as long as their relationship is between THEM ONLY. I hold a lot of resentment towards my mum and I feel nothing but hate for Jay. But I can't stand to see my mother sad. I don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2020): Let me apologize if you felt my frankness was insensitivity to what you've been through. I am very protective of women, children, and elderly people. Nothing angers me more than to see or hear-of violent men abusing and intimidating people. I HATE IT!!! I always advise people to seek help, and find yourself a safe-place! You may not have the strength to defend yourself! You may have nowhere to turn!
Please accept my sincerest apology, if I made you feel I don't care about you. I've had the unfortunate experience of witnessing domestic-violence firsthand. Women I know! Friends who've suffered molestation! I didn't just stand-by and watch in silence; nor did I take the law into my own hands! I'm trying to be forthcoming about your mother; and the mentality of a woman who places her man first. You just can't get through to them. As you now seem to know.
As far as I'm concerned, your marriage isn't the issue. Your sister's safety and well-being is! If your husband required rehab that cost thousands of dollars; that's because he had a long history of abuse. He was able to keep it hidden; until his problem got completely out-of-hand. It started before he ever knew you! I also happen to have some medical-training, my dear!
You've totally missed the point. I was establishing the fact that you returned with intent to advise your mother not to take Jay back. If you see that no matter what you say, she isn't listening...how do you intend to protect your sister? You have to make up your mind this is all beyond your control. You may have to include the police. Your sister will have to tell them what he does to her; and you will backup her story with what you've also been through. Now do you get it?
Responses are made according to the information you post. You add more details each time you post; and the story becomes somewhat clearer. We still have to remind you; your mother decides who she wants to live with. You've attempted to change her mind, but it seems you're at a stalemate. She is choosing him over her kids.
My point was that no matter what the circumstances were in the past, and may be in the present; it's her house, her rules, and her decision! If she allows a man to come into the house to hurt you, or your sister; the only way to stop it, is to report it! There is no magical-answer that leaves-out reporting abuse and assault on a child! Some brute manhandling you and your sister has to be reported for your own protection; because your mother isn't listening! She wont protect you! You're an adult now, and can take matters into your hands; if it becomes necessary to protect your sister. That's my point!
When you are aware that a child is in the midst of circumstances where the child is in danger, or being abused; you have to report it to someone. You either file charges; or the man returns, and your sister has to face his abuse.
You dismissed my advice about reporting him; because your sister could be removed from your mother's custody. That's better than being taken out on a stretcher with a sheet over her face! It may never reach that level. Who really knows it wont, if he really loses it? You'll have to accept his return if your mother insists; but you don't have to allow him to brutalize or bully you, or your sister. Not anymore!
Well, you've refuted my advice to make his behavior known to the authorities. Otherwise, your mother brings him back; and your sister is again subjected to his threats and abuse. Do you have a better suggestion than reporting his abuse?
Tell your mother this. If she brings Jay back, and he lays one finger on your sister, YOU WILL REPORT IT!!! Whatever happens, happens! If the authorities decide she should be removed, so be it! If she won't protect you and your sister...YOU WILL!
If you fear that you will have no place to go; if your mother is angry with you for reporting Jay. I'd think it would be worse, if your sister was angry with you for not reporting him when that's the only option you have!!!
A
female
reader, TS007 +, writes (27 January 2020):
TS007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd my argument was not to control my mothers decisions or dictate to her. It was my lack of belief that a mother with a young daughter (my sister) would allow someone like him into the house again. But yeah I should just After what I was exposed to Growing up I was shocked that she would allow it to happen again. When I said that she can date him again it was during a conversation we had where she said she doesn't know what to do anymore so i gave her an option where she gets to be with him and my sister feels safe aswell. Thinking that she would maybe take into account the feelings of the child that does not have anywhere else to go and is totally dependent on her. This post was not about my well being incase no one noticed. It was about the well being of my sister and my mothers bad parenting with my past serving as a back story to the current situation going on. I expected some sort of advice from this blog or even just a friendly ear but rather I'm having to defend myself for having an option on the wellbeing of both my sister and mother? furthermore dont you think if It was feasible to get my own place then i would have done it already instead of coming home?? Anything I am making in my business now is supporting my bills(which means I am not "Mooching" of my mother) and whatever extra is being reinvested into the business because of the thousands that was taken out by my ex. Because you have to give money to make money. Yes I am educated and as i said my husbands problem happened gradually. No one becomes a drug addict overnight. I paid my own bills and college bills to get where I am. No one helped me I started this business while I was studying.
My husband also worked until he went into rehab. Then I had to pick up the slack for both of us. Your judgement towards someone labelled as a "drug addict" seems to be that he was a total loser and leech. Which isn't the case at all. When things got very bad he had to take time off and lost his job. Which only happened in the past year and half. A good facility costs thousands and as any married couple. When one is struggling the other picks up the slack. Hence the financial difficulties I'm facing today. Y'all should really ask more questions before jumping to very offensive judgments. Seems like that's the reason you come here. To judge from behind a phone rather than give any helpful advice or even a friendly ear. So yeah I'll just follow house rules and let my sister go through the torture I went through and keep quiet and I'll get whatever little job comes my way and move into the shittiest cheapest place I can get and that would be great for my sister to grow up in hey?
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A
female
reader, TS007 +, writes (27 January 2020):
TS007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe you two commentators misinterpreted what I said or maybe I didn't say it correctly... I did not move into my mothers house and kick her husband out or threaten him. I haven't even said 2 words to him since I came back. When he saw me, HE SWORE MY MOTHER AND ME AND SISTER AND LEFT. Nowhere did I say that I chased him out. He left on his own accord. And I DONT think that (after everything he did to me and now that its starting with my sister) he should be forgiven that easily. THAT was my whole point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2020): When you want to move into someone else's home, house rules apply. You got married at 18, so you claim you have a BA degree; then you fared pretty well finishing-up your education with a drug-addicted husband...while running a successful business.
In spite of your snark, your mother still has a right to make her own choices. I fully understand your plight; it's not above my intellectual capacity to realize a teenager has limited experience. You still require going home after making a rushed and unwise decision; but it still doesn't give you any right to tell your mother what she can and cannot do.
If your life can be redeemable and corrected, why can't Jay's?
As I said, maybe you can't live with your mother. You don't come for her help, and set your own conditions. It doesn't matter what your situation is, you're an adult. What if your mother needed you instead? Would you be able to support her? Obviously not now!
Once a child becomes an adult and leaves home...no, a parent no longer owes them anything. It's out of their love and generosity that they will offer you temporary shelter and asylum; and if they stay out of your business, you pay them your respect by staying out of their business.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2020):
 And you do realize you are 24 now ? With an education,
( which gives you access to good alternative career opportunities to supplement your income , or to start a new path should your business not pick up ), and, as you say, a flourishing successful business which puts you in condition not to mooch off anybody. Which , I take it to mean that you are *already* self supporting, so any discussion about minimum wage in South africa is a moot point. So what's the problem in living an indpendent life ? If you don't like the company your mother keeps ( as you surely have any right to do, mind you: I would not like it either ) -then, though, the sensible, adult solution is parting ways.( Possibly in a just geographical sense, not in an affective one .)
Like, yesterday !
It's her life, her husband and , most of all, her house.
It sounds like , basically, .. because YOU made mistakes and unfortunate choices, like that of supporting financially
a non- contributing partner, then now your mother has got to pay for that , not in money maybe, but in terms of her
living conditions; you want her to stick by your rules , in her home, and not even in a pinch, for an unforeseen emergency , but … for all the time it takes for your business to pick up, which could be … how much ? 1 year ? 5 years ? More ?... Who knows.
Yes I get it that by living at mom's home you get to save some money and that's convenient for you; it makes perfect sense. Guess what ? What's convenient for your mother is having a relationship according to her own wants and needs ,( ...as misguided they might be, because, make no mistakes, I feel they ARE misguided ) without having to ask permission to her daughters ( one of which is still a 13 y.o. child, the other one has not shown so far as having major relational savvy , unerring istincts and impeccable discernment in all kinds of situations… ) , ...to "date" her own husband ! ( or live-in partner or whatnot ).
So , can't grown up children run back to mom and dad when things get rough and they take some beating from life ? Sure they can. At 24 and at any age. Always. As long this running back does not mean they want to order around their parents and decide for them how they should live .
with whom.
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A
female
reader, TS007 +, writes (25 January 2020):
TS007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou do realize I was 18 when I got married? I had never seen drugs or a drug addict before. And neither was my husband an addict when we got married. It happened gradually. And because I didn't mention anything about higher education does not mean I dont have it. In fact I do have a BA in design & run a successful business. It was just not appropriate as this post was not about my education it was about the circumstances going on in my home at the moment. As I said UNTIL I GET BACK ON MY FEET because I was just out of a divorce and broke because of all the thousands I spent on rehabs and bills from my ex. Isn't that what your parents house is supposed to be like in a normal family? Supposed to support each other and help during difficult situations? As an adult are you supposed to ALWAYS have your life 100% together?? Are you not allowed to take time for yourself after a traumatic situation?? And if you read my post carefully I said when I dared to charge him I was threatened by both my mum and him. And I was 15 at the time. At this point my sister was much younger and he had not been violent with her yet when I left. It was only the past year she told me about her concerns. And with my husband yes I did rush to marry him to leave my abusive house. I didn't see any other way of relief at the time and obviously didn't expect things to end this way. Otherwise I would not be here today. How do you expect a teenager going through this much to think rationally with the mentality of an adult? Obviously now when I look back on it I realize what I could and could not have done but I don't regret it because if I had stayed I wouldn't have my business and probably wouldn't be alive today I would have ended my life a long time ago. As far as my sister is concerned I can only take care of her once I am on my feet again. I can't just go report them and they take her away and she suffers even more?? That doesn't make sense. I rather be here to protect her until I can get us both out of this shitty situation
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2020): There is no explaining the mentality of a woman who is obsessed over an abusive-man; even sacrificing the safety of her own children to keep him.
Here's the unfortunate truth. It's your mother's life and her house. She has proven time and time again, Jay means more to her than you and your sister. Her weakness of emotional-fortitude and under-developed motherly-instincts leave her feeling her only lifeline is Jay.
You can't live with your mother. That's the bottom-line. No amount of talk will convince her to give him up.
You will simply have to find yourself another place to live; and if possible, take your sister with you. You may be very critical of your mother's choices; but I think in this case...pointing one finger, three point back! You haven't done well with your life either. You're approximately 24 years-old, and you mention nothing of a formal education. You don't speak of a job or career. You married a bad-man too! I'm sorry, but I don't believe for one minute your husband's drug-problem was a sudden discovery. You rushed into marriage, and did it to get-away from your family-life! You didn't think once about what you were getting yourself into! Your credibility is shot somewhat; to be so critical of your mother.
It's not up to you to tell your mother how to live, when you have so much work to do to pull your own life together. If she wants Jay back, that is up to her. If you and your sister won't press charges when you were given the opportunity to do it, what are you complaining about? If your sister is 13 years-old living in a violent and abusive household; the child-protection authorities should be called. If you won't call for protection; then you are left victims to abuse. I can understand your younger sister not knowing what to do, but you were able to press charges and decided not to. Knowing it was necessary in order for you and your sister to be safe. You left your sister behind to face what you were running from!
If you want to protect your sister, then report Jay to child-protection authorities and file a formal-complaint about threatening and physical-abuse; so your sister can feel safe. If your mother isn't fulfilling her responsibility to protect her; then take-on that responsibility yourself. Be a responsible adult. That's my advice.
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A
female
reader, TS007 +, writes (25 January 2020):
TS007 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have my own very successful business. I am not leeching of my mother and her husband. My sister is 12. I've spent hundreds of thousands over the years putting my ex into rehabs and paying his bills when he wasn't able to work. Because of him I'm broke right now and need to save up and put money back into the business. So I can start making money aswell.. Also not sure if you noticed at the beginning I stated I live in South Africa. The minimum wage is R4500 a month. If you convert this to dollars its $321 A MONTH. This is not enough for rent & living expenses for 1 person let alone 2 people in the shittiest of areas which are filled with drugs and criminals for 2 young women to live in? I dont think you have thought much about your answer before posting it
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2020): To reply to the answer above. Surely she should be able to make her own love life decisions but if the man she is choosing to be with is physically abusing her daughter's then surely the daughters should have a say or at least try to make their mother "see the light" as this is literally their safety and mental health we are talking about here. This is not a situation where they just simply don't like their step father. He is literally hurting them. If he were to say - rape them then would you still say the daughters should just move into a shitty area with a shitty job? Also the poster says she's from Africa which is a 3rd world country. So the shitty areas are REALLY not safe and the minimum wage may not be enough for 1 of them let alone both sisters & also if the mother chose this man over her daughters after everything he has done. I would never want a relationship with a mother like that ever.
And your comparison between the daughter and husband and mother and husband is not even in the same planet. The daughter was literally a teen out of Highschool and the mother was an adult woman with 2 young daughters exposing them to the horrors of this man for her own selfish needs?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 January 2020):
Sorry to be so brutal, but...what about getting a job if you don't have one and moving out as fast as lighting ? And, if you have your mother's consent ( because yor sister is still a minor ) you can take little sis with you.
I get it that maybe you want some time to " get back on your feet " , but really, seen the situation, you don't have a lot of time to wait for best case scenario: In your shoes I would settle ( temporarily , of course ) for whatever crummiest job I can get ,generating whatever modest income, and whatever crummiest rental situation you cen get. Tjings hopefully will improve, but as of now, you just need to get out of there, fast. You need to take care of your metal and ohysical weel being which are both greatly in danger in this current environment.
Nonetheless, I don't think you can and I don't think you should dictate to your mother how to conduct her love life IN HER OWN HOME. And if you just still love her a tini little bit , for what she used to be with you pre-Jay… you won't corner her into choosing between her daughters and her partner. When , if you live under your own roof, as you should do anyway at your age , you can carry on a serene, respectful if not warm and loving , relationship with your mother , without ever being involved with Jay again. So, teh same thing you want now- but out of your mother's home.
I understand you are hurt and I see you went through a lot- and I think your mother was and is quite… confused to say it gently and diplomatically, and is not the best at choosing the men in her love life. STILL, she is your mother AND a grown up , who has the right to choose which men she wants in her life, as she sees fit. Same as you did when you married your drug addict husband. Of course when we make shitty choices, very often then comes a time when we regret it and repent our mistake (...same as it happened to you with your husband ). But I don't think that as a daughter you should be emotionally blackmailing your mom into regretting her choices. Until she sees the light finally… you can have a civil relationship, if you want, - each one from her own place.
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