A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im guilty of having affair with another man while im still married. My marriage was a wrong choice from the beginning. There is so much red flags that i ignored because of my low self esteem. Im told i cant have better relationship with other man and i dont deserve better because i dont have any good life achievement. Im a homebody before im married and i lack of social life and skills. Now its way different. I have good circle of friends who love and support me. My family said i dont have skill in life so i cant choose who im with. Actually im a very good cook and skillful in makeup and has good taste in fashion ( people told me so ). But my family consider its not a useful skill to give a living for myself and i cant take care of my son with that. Im also too spoilt before im married, living an extravagant lifestyle and travel around the world a lot. Life cant be more exciting for me before im married. So im married 3 years ago, now i have a 15 months son, im so proud and grateful for having him in my life. My marriage was broken since the beginning. We dont have deep emotional connection and we are so imcompatible. We have different life values and interest. To make it worse, im living on the same roof with my in laws who were both a very difficult people to deal with. They badmouth me to my husband and as a mamma boy he was being influenced and we were getting more apart. The reason why we live together with them is because my husband is financially unstable and also because of the cultural things (he is the only son). He gambled in the past and try to loan money from me but i refuse. He seems to regreted it so much as he said " i wont repeated it again. I regret it so much. I wont fall into the same hole in the future". That happened before we married, i married him anyway thinking people deserve second chance. After married he still gambling and been caught 2 times stealing from his parents and 2 times from me ( thats what i know of)We are living separately now after that incident. Honestly its like a chance for me to escape from them. I got some relief from actually knowing him did the bad things to me. Weird i know. He and his family were ignoring me and dont even say a word for a month after i went home. Like nothing happen. My parents contacted his parents to asked about my husband condition. My parents still symphathetic with him. They are trying to encourage me to get back with him because i have a son with him, they think no other good man will wants me, or take and love my son like his own and they are ashamed if i become a single mom. They say everybody make mistakes in life and can probably change. If i left him, he is still desirable by woman but not me. About my affair, i knew him 7 years ago before i married, we contacted through whatsapp chat and i keep my distance from him because im not the person that can be close and have any relationship with man online. He asked me out several times but i refused then we lost contact for 4 years then we talked again last year when he greeted my birthday. At that time, it was the lowest point of my life, i have just had my son. He was 2 weeks old and my husband treated me so bad. Even his family were also very nasty towards me and my baby. Then when he contacted me again, he asked about me, i bluntly told him about my life that time. He was symphathetic to me then we kept contact daily from that on. At first, we both know we wont be together because of my status and he is just being friendly. He gave support and advice to my problem even help me to reconcile with my husband. As times went by, we both develop feelings,we found so many similarities and we are so compatible. We have same values. We met for the first time after 10 months connecting via chat. Then he wants to rush into things. He said he wants to meet my parents and tell them what his intention to me and my son. He will try to make them understand and accept him, and after that i should choose between he or my husband. I said i should divorce and being single first for him to do so. He said no he knows im not capable of being alone. So he will try to make my parents accept us first. Sounds really beautiful for me. Someone really wants to fight to be with me. Im desirable again. He came to my house several times bringing foods and gifts for me. He met my mom but they never really talk. After he gone, my mom will asked me does he know that im married with a child? What does he want from you? My parents think he wants to get advantages from me ( i have assets and savings) from my parents. I openly told him about their reaction and he tried to come several more times but their reaction is still the same. Now he never came to my house anymore if he wants to send something. He uses courier to send the package. My parents still dislike it. They forbid me to have any relationship with him. They think i will be fooled again.He told me he has assets and business. He has good income. From the outside, people wont think he got that because his apperance doesnt match. I dont know if what he said is true, i just can believe him because we dont have mutual friends and i cant ask anyone. When we first met, he wants to bring me to his home to meet his family. His house is on the elite villas so maybe he isnt lying? Im so afraid of being fooled again. His mom knew about me and she has same life experience. She is single mom. So she can relate and accept me. Since i went home after the separation with my husband, we cant meet each other anymore. My feelings and thought have changed a bit. My family keep telling me that he is not a good guy. That he doesnt really want me. That he has motives behind this. If he really a nice guy why he chooses me instead of any single woman out there. That he lied about himself to attract me. I somehow think again and maybe theyre true. I dont know if im being negative thinking. I resent him for not taking action for us just like he said before. I feel betrayed and fooled. Once he told me that we should wait for my parents to calm down and accept the fact that i wont going back with my husband then seeing my parents still encourage me to reconcile with my husband he said maybe its best to show himself after im single. He said he is keeping his position safe for the future so that his image wont be bad when he came to know them. I feel sad like i keep waiting him to man up. My parents wont let me divorce him if they think i will have worser life and uncertainty. Last week my husband contacted me and asked me to go out to buy things for my son. My parents urge me to go. I have mix feelings when we meet. He seems to miss my son very much. He hug and kiss him a lot. He was never like this before. Then yesterday we go out again with the same purpose and things are more relax. I guess why he keep bringing me out lately is because its nearing our chinese new year. Every year his family has dinner gathering. Maybe they want us to join them so they asked him to build connection and rekindle with me. Why they ignoring me and my son before this? Maybe they dont want to be ashamed being asked by relatives where and why me and my son arent there. Im now very confuse. I dont love him anymore. Actually i pity of him. He is very childish and blames other for his mistake. He likes to play victim. I dont have any sexual attraction to him anymore. I dont trust him. If i go back with him i wont have life that i want. I wont have anymore kids with him and i will be lonely and suspicious for the rest of my life. We dont have sex since i pregnant 2 years ago. Where he got his biological needs? I love the man i have affair with. We are both happy being with each other. But lately i have different feeling. Negative thought about him keep running on my mind. I feel he is not the same like before. Not really have effort to see me and doesnt fight for me anymore. What should i do? I have wrote here many times before. But i really need some advices during the progress of my life. Thank you so much before..
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2020): Good for you for getting back to your family home and taking the child with you.
Ignore your husbands parents and be cautious about listening to your parents.
You don't have to go back to your exhusband!
You could get a divorce if you see a solicitor and cite :unreasonable behaviour.
That is hitting you, stealing from you and so on.
If you go back to your husband everyone will go back to the same way and you were badly trapped like a caged bird.
You write well!
I would honestly read your story about your struggle for freedom.
You can self publish on Amazon and use a pseudonym and still collect money from sales maybe £1 for each book.
Or less or more!
I understand what you mean about relief at finding out how dishonest your husband is because it finally gave you the permission to go.
Now, sweetheart, the story is about you and how you and your son overcome all these cultural expectations so that the ex looks good in public opinion.
Just remember that the world hasn't gone away.
All those places you travelled to still exist and you can visit them all again with your son and find the real you again.
Maybe you can first persuade your mum to come with you.
How about suggesting a visit to Disneyland for the little boy.
The ex is not to be invited at all.
He can get photos sent online
And then when your mum wants to look after your son because he is adorable, then you could go back to education and get qualifications as many as possible until you can go to university.
You can study anything!
It could be art, or graphic design or photography or fashion or law or media studies.
Anything is a better plan than losing your whole personality under the watchful eye of the mamas boy and his mother.
As for your friend who you had the affair with:
He is feeling guilty.
You are also worried about being conned again.
This is normal.
You need a good plan for yourself to get a bit further out of your situation.
If English is not your first language you are doing a fabulous job of using English as a foreign language.
I hope you speak Chinese as well or mandarin!
You could do a course in Teaching English as a foreign language (T.E.F.L) for children or teenagers.
You can get jobs all over the world with this qualification.
In fact you could train to be a teacher if you wanted.
The whole world is open to you but you must choose countries where people are integrated.
E.g. Taiwan or any small friendly island.
But for now you stay at your mums.
Your husband probably is only talking that he wants you back because mama has told him to.
Don't worry about the affair partner because he is only back peddling because of society and your mum.
I don't know if he is decent enough for you.
But you will find out in time!
I would urge you to stick close to your son or your ex may try to get your mum to hand the boy over or kidnap your son.
Wise Owl is quite right to say you may be in some danger because you are worth money and also because things can happen in different cultures so it is very important that you talk to your mum about all the bad things your husband has done to you and also why you think he would be bad for your son.
You need some help from organisations where you live now.
Are there any women's groups you can join.
Are you friends with your affair partners mum!
If she was a single parent she must have a story to tell and wouldn't hold you in bad opinion.
Also if your affair man does want to marry you then his mum will be your mother in law.
What you have achieved already is difficult and going softly and quietly is good but you need to aim higher now.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (24 January 2020):
 I agree with Wiseowl. You write on DC quite often but apparently you don't ever do anything with the advice that we give you. I am not sure if you feel you can't do anything or you are afraid to do anything or you just want to write about it and keep getting advice.
The bottom line is that we honestly can't help you. YOU have to make up your mind what you want to do. Make a plan and then follow through with whatever that plan is.
It sounds like neither family supports your decision. If you are not working I'm not sure how you can support yourself unless the man you love wants to come whisk you away and support you or you have friends or other family members that will take you in and help you.
I strongly recommend that you don't put too much stock in the man you are having an affair with though. Its never wise to go straight from one relationship to another! You say you don't really know much about him. That's rather scary. You have to think about your child as well as yourself. Maybe he's telling you the truth and then again maybe he isn't. Don't put all your hopes and dreams on him because he may really let you down.
I know what its like to be in a marriage when you don't love your mate. Its awful. Your culture is different that ours over here though and the same rules don't apply. As American's we strongly believe that people not happy/not compatible do not stay together. Your culture is not that way and if your parents are old school which it certainly sounds like they are they expect you to conform and obey.
I'm sorry OP but you are going to have to make a plan if you really want out. All we can do is offer advice but I'm not sure if you can or will take it. I wish you luck. I hope things work out for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2020): I say follow your heart.Who do you love?Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?Who cares what your parents think....What do you think?Look you only have one life....pick being happy.Life is so short.Is it good for your son to see you in a marriage which is unhappy? Is that what you want to teach him? Go to who you really love and teach your son what marriage is really about.I personally would leave the husband...not really for the other man....but because you are not happy.Show your son love does matter.Please do what makes you happy.Follow your heart always.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2020): You write DC often, and I've read all your posts. I believe this is where you come to vent your emotions; but not necessarily to seek advice.
Your cultural Chinese-traditions and parents don't give you much flexibility to follow your own path. By the same token, you really don't seek advice you intend to follow; but everyone needs someone to listen to our complaints and sorrows.
We westerners usually advise ending marriages in divorce, where you find yourself being abused and neglected. You have parents who totally ignore anything happening to you; and all they seem to care about is having you married-off. All that matters to them is appearances, what other people see and might say about you being a single-mother.
I am very sympathetic to your suffering; but not very optimistic you can, or will, follow sound-advice. Not because you don't want to; but your culture strips women of much say in their marriages. The only exceptions are those women who are independently-wealthy, belonging to very powerful families; or daughters of political-figures, who don't get pushed around by men. Fearing what the consequences might be; if a husband offends or embarrasses a government official. They just might find themselves disappearing, nowhere to be found!
At least you left your husband's parents' home. It is apparent that parents on both sides are pushing you back with your husband. They don't care what you are going through; because saving face in public rises above your husband hitting you, stealing from you, and neglecting both you and your son. That is very sad, if we look at it from a western-perspective. However, we have to be careful not to encourage you to do anything that might cause you harm; or provoke your husband to react towards you with violence.
The odd thing is, you're bold enough to have an affair; but not bold enough to defy being overruled by your parents. You even admitted in a previous post that your husband even knew of your affair. I think you enjoy drama, and writing your long stories. I don't think you really need our advice, just our sympathy. You like knowing we read your stories.
You can at least stand your ground not to give him your money, and refuse to allow him to hit you; but your parents are not the kind of people who value your happiness above appearances to the public. Our advice will not be very effective under the circumstances that you've repeated over and over. You return again and again, with longer stories; but you haven't done a thing you were advised to do. With one exception, going home to your parents.
I offer you my sincerest sympathies and; and can only suggest you avoid placing yourself in the position of being beaten or robbed by your husband. If your parents insist on pushing you back with your husband; then find a trusted-friend willing to offer you and your son a place of sanctuary.
I don't doubt that your parents love you; but old-tradition and appearances seem to mean more to them. They are stubborn in their beliefs, forgetting you're in the 21st-century. An age of high-technology, and born into a generation that can't think or act within the archaic-traditions they grew-up in. I don't believe it's just because you're both young, as they claim. They are either slow in the brain, or pathetically naive. That is very sad.
Your only mistake is being born a female to old-school traditional-parents in China. Something no-one has a choice over. Until you develop a stronger sense of survival and decide you won't take it anymore; you're yet another Chinese female caught between a rock and a hard place. A prisoner to outdated and unrealistic old-time traditions regarding marriage; that never really worked, except for people back in an ancient time. Progressive Chinese are overcoming these old setbacks; but it takes a person with a strong will and a plan. You've already told us you have no skills and no plan.
I guess you need to get some work-skills, and come-up with a plan!
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