A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Can some people give me some ideas on how to stay positive . I suffer from a hormonal endocrine problem that Menander my body holds on to body fat . I’m medicated for it and see a specialist regularly but it will be with me for life . I follow a nutritionist guided diet for people with my condition and I workout approx five times a week so I’m feeling good about where my health is at now compared to before my diagnoses . However I know that my weight is unlikely to ever be within the thin or slim range and the focus for me is inner health to the beat I can However dating is becoming somewhat depressing . I have up until now felt really positive about it so I don’t feel it’s an attitude Corning from me ( just canting to preempt that in case people think I’m putting off some kind of vibe ) I was asking people out and feeling like my weight wouldn’t be an issue so long as my grooming Is good , and I was generally enjoying the process which I was . However I simply wasn’t getting asked out and when I did ask people out they would know me back , a couple telling me they were looking for more health conscious or on even said he’s not into ‘big chicks ‘I’m totally willing to date guys who are think medium size or even larger so long as they look after themselves like I do but it seems that most men are not the same I’m trying to meet guys out socially , at my church , online and also through friends . What gives . Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2020):
I know this may seem superficial but ever since a drunken hook up in college with a girl who would be described as "heavier" I went on to date mostly women with more dramatic figures. my wife is happy, healthy, active and wonderfully Rubenesque. I worked for years as a male model and would say 1 in 20 of the guys I worked with and 1 in 5 of the chill, normal ones preferred a more womanly body than the average girl let alone female models.
A guy worth spending time with should have the confidence to look beyond media "norms" and choose the attributes he finds attractive/sexy in a partner. Attraction is more powerful and deeper when you look within yourself to decide what you desire and not cheapen it by letting Victoria's Secret hold your passion ransom.
I am sorry you have to deal with these health issues. It's not fair.
xx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2020): Thanks everybody , especially the writer who mentioned she also had a similar condition . I didn’t mention it in my original letter because I didn’t think it related to my weight but I too have an auto immune disease and have frequent headaches as a result of my hormone pain issues so I really relate to what you are saying I do believe that everyone has their standards and deal breakers . I guess it guess seems to me lately that weight is a deal breaker for a huge majority of men . I too have my standards but my standards are about things that can be largely controlled like good grooming , heathy lifestyle regardless of body size and an effort to be an active member of society . I couldn’t care less what job or money a man has or doesn’t have as I have head some men saying is the thing women expect rather than looking thin that they want in a womanAll I’m asking for is a basic decent nice person who cares for and respects himself and his body . I don’t care if his body is small or big. I’d love to imagine their are men out there who feel the same but it’s hard when all I see is men’s eyes going towards thin women and ignoring me . Even when they get to know me they seem to reject me as soon as a thin woman gives them any attention even if she has proven herself to be a horrible person . It’s like their more interested in the body than the person . I have other larger friends who report the same . Perhaps for those women who are thin this is hard to imagine or for men they deny it . I don’t know
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 January 2020):
 For what it’s worth, the body positive movement is saying “be happy with your body”, not “eat unhealthily and don’t exercise”. It’s not telling people unhealthy is beautiful; it’s saying “don’t hate/dislike your body because it’s not slim”. Most of the movement focuses on mental and physical health, like acceptance and activewear for bigger people - something that wasn’t around much before the movement came in and said “a lot of us do exercise, stop assuming we don’t”. You can’t tell someone’s health or lifestyle just by looking at them. Plenty of slim people eat junk and don’t exercise, but they don’t get judged because they “look healthy”. Obesity doesn’t automatically mean unhealthy, as proven many times by doctors and nutritionists; it’s all about your lifestyle - which you obviously work very hard on!
Maybe take a break from dating. Get involved in groups for people who like similar things to you, maybe even a cooking class or another hobby. You can find guys, regardless of size, who live healthy lifestyles like you and wouldn’t judge your weight as an indicator of your health or attractiveness.
You deserve to feel great in your body regardless of your size, but especially because you are being healthy and active. If you can, pamper yourself or go to a spa. Try to enjoy what your body looks like and can do. Some guys will love that confidence in yourself and a vibe that you don’t chase guys who are shallow or put you down. If you use dating sites, make sure to add that you live a healthy lifestyle and want to find a partner who does that too :) Be patient with yourself, OP.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2020): The truth is that there are MANY superficial people out there.
I have male friends who would NEVER date a woman who has weight issues, while they themselves are not fit (they are either too skinny or have some extra pounds).
I have also some girl friends who have some other standards regarding potential partners - men should be distinguished in some way (have an interesting and well paid jobs), come from interesting backgrounds etc.
Meeting right people can sometimes take a while. It's important to know where to look. If you do it randomly you ar emost likely going to get discouraged and start having a pretty negative picture of yourself and the world.
Let's say you are a kind and a caring person and would like to meet someone who shares the same values as you do.
I don't think you'll find quickly such a guy in a bar (although you could), on a dating-app (although you could), at a gym (although you could)...
And here's why.
We all have a limited amount of time to spend doing what makes us happy. Many of us spend most of our time earning a living. So, what we do with our free time says a lot. If a guy is depressed or lazy, her will most likely watch TV, play video games or drink beer with his buddies on someone's couch. If he's obsessed with fitness he'll spend hours in a gym/running/at a local pool etc. I AM oversimplifying things, but the basic principal stays the same. People (of substance) who want to help out, do their bit, share their energy will find a way to do so. They have no time to spend on Instagram and dating-apps. Some of them volunteer at soup kitchens, animals shelters etc.
You see my point?
It really matters WHERE you look for a potential partner.
Yes. People still meet by chance.
Yes. You could meet a guy who is super obsessed with fitness and still be into you.
It's just that the chances for that are low. Not impossible, just low.
Widen your circle of people you meet but do it wisely. I'd rather hang out with an atheist, who's been volunteering at a refugee camp, then a believer who spends his time shopping. It's not what we say or believe in, it's what we do that counts.
Now, regarding your health. You need to give yourself time.
I have two autoimmune diseases and a metabolic issue. In the last two years, I have felt so overwhelmed with... life... that I slipped up and stopped caring about my diet. I not only gained 20 lbs, I started having severe arthritis flare-ups, which limited my motion, leading to even less exercises and more weight gain.
I can now wear only ONE pair of jeans. And I don't feel good in anything I wear. BUT. I know that I can find a way back to a healthy life style.
Discipline + time.
In order to deal with my issues I need to stay off sugars, grains (yes, bread!), dairy, red meat... but when I do, I SEE results. I feel lighter. Not heavy and bloated. I can exercise again.
This is what motivates me.
And when I am motivated I feel better and it shows.
Being over 40 complicates things health-wise and we need to pay more attention.
Both my hubby and I are looking to get back in shape not because we want to look fit, bit because we feel better. Also, we both have family histories of hearth issues and cancer and weight plays an important role in both diseases.
I dated men who were chubbier, older, who didn't pay attention to how they looked. But I was always looking for a partner who has something in common with me and with whom I share the same values.
Give yourself time. Do things you like. Don't focus on finding a partner. Being passionate about something is what makes us interesting ;)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 January 2020):
 Maybe take a step back from dating (for a little while) and JUST focus on you.
You DEFINITELY don't have to be skinny or "trim" to date. You might have a higher rate of "success" in getting a YES from a guy if you ARE skinny/trim, doesn't mean that it would be the right guy.
I also think there are guys who aren't JUST looking for a skinny chick. They want a woman of substance and quality. But yes, weight DOES counter into it. And I do find it ironic that an overweight guy who ISN'T working on HIS health is picky about the size of a potential partner. SO if a BIGGER guy turns you down, when you are WORKING on being healthier he DEFINITELY isn't for you.
We ALL judge people when we first see/meet them. None of the guy you have asked out and who declined had no idea of what's going on with you. The one who mentioned "big chicks" had no manners, so no big loss there. But the thing is YOU might be willing to a thick medium/larger size doesn't mean ALL men (of any size) thinks like you do. When it comes to preferences, we ALL have them. So far, you haven't meet one (that you know if) that want to GET to know you, not just reject you by your looks.
Your main goal should be your health right now and you ARE working on that. Next perhaps find things you enjoy to do, that can also involve meeting new people.
I know there is a lot of body positive movements going on, and I think it's partly GOOD for society but also not great. Because it tells people that being unhealthy is now beautiful. When in reality unhealthy is unhealthy. Obesity kills. (and no, dear OP, NOT calling you obese or unhealthy, you are WORKING hard to counter your medical issue). Nor do I say that a larger woman can't be beautiful inside AND out. This is a generalization.
Humans come on all shapes, colors and sizes, and if SOMEONE solely judge you on that, I'd give that person a hard pass right back. Because you CAN'T change how they think. And when it comes to something like weight that you CAN alter (albeit it might be much harder for some, like you) I think you should work on being your "best self" and a healthy version of you. Not that you should ONLY focus on being skinny. Skinny might "look" healthy but it isn't always healthy. Yet, NOT change JUST because others think you should. There should be a balance.
Be picky with whom you ask out. (When you feel ready to date again). If someone says no, thanks. HE isn't right for you. And yes, rejection stings. But move on. Don't dwell on that.
How can you stay positive? Because you know YOU are worth getting to know and date.
If you have an online profile, ask a friend to look it over. Maybe also add some physical activities you enjoy, like hiking or canoeing, use pictures of yourself doing those. It might make someone see the active YOU and perhaps not just judge you solely by your weight.
Keep following the nutritional guide and exercise. And look into perhaps a forum for people with endocrine issues, like yourself. It can perhaps help you find people who have been there (where you are at) and give support and advice as well as meeting new folks.
You are on the right path for you, I hope you will find someone going the same way.
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