A
female
age
41-50,
*_anne
writes:Four months ago I connected with a co-worker. We began hanging out profusely shortly thereafter, with an unexplainable urge to be together every night. We would find ourselves talking until 3 am in parking lots in deep discussions that we never wanted to end. We found we had so much in common it was eerie, something that we still joke about upon occasion to "chalk it up to soulmates". Very early on to both our surprises, we felt these intense feelings for one another and an undeniable compulsion to spend first every night hanging out, then all our free time, and then spending one night apart we would mourn each other. Finally we decided that although we couldnt explain why things were this way, that we must be soul mates and to not question anything and accept it. For the most part, I was able to do that. Until we became even more deeply bonded emotionally. We would have intimate conversations where one of us would cry or the other would just sit and hold the counterpart for hours. It was levels of intimacy and love I have never felt in my entire life, nor they have and we have both said so repeatedly. We lovingly refer to our situation as "soul partners" or "cosmic mates" as well. Lately I have pondered over and over the past few months trying to work all of this out. I assess that it could potentially be that I am a woman and intense feelings get coupled with physical intimacy. But I feel conflicted rather frequently because he is ever-changing some of his stances on things. He wants to "spend the rest of his life" with me, i "am ALL he needs" he "doesnt want anyone else" (*these are all things i feel as well, of course). He has also said he "isn't set for life" being gay, and that he'd like to be married or have kids someday and he doesnt believe in gay marriage (lets not address this, its just evidence to my situation but not my viewpoint). but then he destroys me when he talks about hot guys,how he "keeps sex and love seperately" or suddenly says "well what if i get gay-married one day?" i feel betrayed in a way as if he suddenly changed his mind on how he feels about me and most days it feels like were in a relationship. Lately I have thought of our exchanges of the future and how I want those same things. but i dont know how to move forward when all I want is him, he is my soul mate and there is no one else I feel a need to find. Why look further when you're complete and whole? he is 5 years younger than me and I feel as if he's trying to figure out himself, something I understand and just to note, I have put no pressure on him for answers or EVER EVER EVER expect to change him. I love him completely for who he is entirely. I do feel we have a future ahead of us together, and I dont know how it will be. I am not a conventional person, and would love nothing more than the rest of my life with him as he has said. But it's all made me think back on my own personal character. How I've really never loved anyone, been rather detached from even family and felt pretty isolated most of my life as he has felt as well. Part of this I think has been why I don't attach myself to guys I have dated, and to be really honest I've not been sexually excited by the ones I have been with. Its mainly just trying to fullfill a human need, not lust or anything else. Reflecting back to my childhood, I remember discovering a homo-erotic book and being sexually aroused by the stories and pictures. Moving forward as I got older, homo-erotic sex scenes/ erotica / pornogrpahy etc. is what turns me on. I am wondering what this all means, and if it has any hand in my situation with my soul mate-meaning is it why I feel the need to consummate our relationship physically even though he feels that by giving me his entire heart and all his love should be enough: that sex with men to him is just sex and there's absolutely no attachment, but all love, devotion, intimacy is completely mine. he is into guys, I know this and he has re-affirmed it in our conversations when I tell him of my conflicted feelings. (*he has yet to know about my homo-erotic attraction or that I desire him physically) although it is who he is, it is also flaring my desire from what I mentioned above. Basically, I feel at a loss. We love each other as deeply as 2 straight people in a forever-kind of relationship would, but at the moment he's emphasizing his desire to want to sleep with men, but have me as his "life partner". Please, if anyone has any thoughts or advice...I would greatly lead an ear.
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female
reader, z_anne +, writes (31 October 2008):
z_anne is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUPDATE: so last night, he tells me after 3 weeks of him dodging my phone calls/ texts / coming home really early (5 am) and blowing off a trip we we had planned that he's been spending time with another woman. that he expeted to find someone to sleep with this semester, but he never thought it would be a girl. that it was a "curveball", how she is sexually vivacious and persistant-that he was indebriated when she first bit him but he'd not had that experience even with men and that he thought "hmm. ill let it happen." apparently they've been "hanging out" about every night since. they apparently have been erotically biting each other. and now he'll have to "see how it goes". that maybe this scenario is happening b/c she doesnt wear makeup or b/c she has a more masculine personality (characteristics he's said about me). he said if he can follow through with the vaginal sex then maybe it says something about who he thought who he was versus who he is now. that he wasn't sure how the sex was going to work but "we'll see". its incredibly hurtful to me, making me feel inadequate and that obviously he not only doesnt love or value me but that i am quite frankly not enough for him. i have decided im moving out as soon as possible because i cannot sit there and let him tell me stories about how he cares when he doesnt.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2008): I know what your feeling becuase I'm in the same situation. It is confusing, because you don't know what to do, if your in love, if you lust him, but hes gay, but he is in love with you...blah blah blah...its all a load..As much as it hurts I have come to the conclusion that we will NEVER be together in a sexual/married relationship with himMy situation is worse. My gay gets jealous when I am in other relationships, he gets livid when other men get touchy with me...he has even physically pushed a guy away because he was getting too touchy as he claims...he absolutely hates the thought of me being with someone else. Hes told me he is in love with me and he has also told me that he would be able to have sex with me, problem is I haven't let him. But, when he was in relationships I was devasted. I can't stop him from being who he is, and I have accepted the fact that he is GAY plain an simple.You have to think rationally...could you handle being in a relationship with him...i mean everyone knows hes gay...could you handle the thought of him having an attraction to other men for the rest of your lives together...he could be sneaking around...so you get married what happens next could you even have sex?All in all he is your bestfriend, your soulmate...enjoy him for that. He'll be there on your wedding day, during the births of your children, when you buy your first house and maybe even when you die (or vice versa). He will be by your side through thick and thin. He'll probably never stop loving you and you him. The two of you will always have that special bond, afterall you are soulmates. As for him finding himself. I'm 18 and so isn't my best friend (the gay). I'm positive he's gay, time won't change his attraction towards men. As much as he says he is in love with me, he LOVES sex with men. Its going to hurt to get over him, believe me I know. But the relationship you have will become more beautiful when you realize that he is your best FRIEND your soulmate and thats it!
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A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (30 September 2008):
 You did clarify it and thank you. It's going to end up with one of you being hurt. Either you or he will fall in love and the person you or he falls in love with, will more than likely not tolerate the relationship between the two of you. Boy did that come out right?...LOL
Also... it's great that you are not putting your life on hold, that is the important thing and realizing that one of you and eventually both of you will be with someone else. What you would like to happen, more than likely wont. ~sigh~ I think you may sort of already know that and are looking to find if that is what others think. It is! Your closeness with this guy could last a life time, but the love won't.
You should go about your life, having fun, enjoying whomever you'd like and not worry of what will happen. You should also make it clear to your friend of what you are doing so he is aware that you are not going to just wait around.
Good luck sweetie!!!
Michelle
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Sorry babes.. I just put the FH.. (sorry hate the word) option into play cause you seem to sound like you would like to experiment. But now I am definitely sure that you have fallen in love with a gay man, and everything you are talking about is just about finding ways to stay with him. This guy is not for you. He will fall in love with a man someday, he will give up his closeness with you, and you will be discarded and forgotten. You must let him go. Your already in love, this thing will get worse. If he loved you, then he would be able to marry you and have an open sexual relationship, but he doesn't offer you that. He really offers you nothing at all, but to wait for him, to accept him and his, I love you, maybe we'll be together, stop worrying, but I got nothing to give...
He may be gay, but he's not stupid. He knows your in love with him, and he's playing it like a married man.. Wait baby, one day I can give you the world.. Dump his arse and run away. He's a selfish manipulative kid... There is nothing for you in this relationship except heartache, humiliation and confusion. You need to get away and then you will be able to see more clearly exactly what this jerk off kid is doing to you and your emotions... He's a player and he's playing around with you and your love...
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A
female
reader, z_anne +, writes (29 September 2008):
z_anne is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni realized that ive done, yet again, what i tend to do when trying to work stuff out-not CLEARLY say what im trying to get at. i apologize...
i guess the "question" is can anyone identify with the situation? And what did you do if you were in the situation?
I also see the valid points you're making: it's not fair to me, and I need to assert myself to him that I'm not a backup, that I love him but I am going to pursue my own relationships. The latter, essentially is the last conversation we had the other night, and we both ended it kind of on that same page where we both know how we feel about each other, keep love seperate from sex. that we have our 'relationship' and then we have sex and it should work just fine. i guess i never knew that was what i had been doing before i met him, but its true. ive never loved anyone ive been sexually involved with. so i think in that regard, our situation works. but as far as spending his life with me with the chance notion in his head of maybe leaving me for another guy-YES! that is exactly what scares me the most and what i told him. he said that we dont know what will happen tomorrow, or ten years from now. that he worries thats what i am going to do to HIM. i tell him that if it is something in your life you REALLY want, then you have to work at it and fight for it. he agreed with me, but told me i shouldnt spend all our time together worried about what "might" happen. im so tired of this dance we go through every couple of weeks: well get into these discussions about what "we are" to each other, and what "will happen" in the future. thats why ive decided to let him figure his own self out and i'm gonna do my own self discovery. upon my recent admittance as to what turns me on, im going to pursue that. several of my friends have told me that if he's in that much see-sawing for what he wants, to play the field and let him sweat for a while. yes, yes, yes guys-i KNOW he's gay. its been established between the two of us and the obvious preference of sexual partners. yes, hes had sex with females as many gay men do and say that sex with men is what he prefers.so i am NOT in doubt of him being gay. i think the most crucial thing to understand is that i am confused about all of it not because i think hes going to "change" for me or anyone else, or because i think he might one day be secretly attracted to me. i am confused because he keeps saying one thing and then saying the opposite. that, with his actions and declarations has made me succumb to this peril of questions.
and i dont think he realizes that he's being selfish, but that he's giving me all he has and what else can i ask of him?
yeah, i am pretty angry at him but then i gotta tell myself hes just being a selfish, horny kid. we all acted that way one way or another when we were 21. im not using an excuse, its just something i can relate to and understand if it is why he is being this way. but i cant wait around for him to decide he wants one thing or the other and i think thats why i keep questioning, and questioning. so guys, dont think that i am putting my happiness on hold in false hopes. our situation and the fact that i can finally love someone/ have them love me makes me incredibly happy. but what im trying to work out is how we keep our happiness and each other and both have sex lives. i know this recent "attraction" i have for him will wane, ive had it happen with unavailable guys before. i wouldnt go so far as to call me a "fag hag". i dont purposefully go seeking gay men and gay culuture and want to submerge myself in the lifestyle in sad "if only" wishes. i just happen to have a few gay guy friends, and for whatever reason my soulmate turned out to be a gay man. i really dont know how my sexual arousal and gay men come into play on this, but i dont think i necessarily fit in the "FH" category. did any of this clarify what im seeking any more? i tend to do that a lot, and would love to hear more feedback from you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2008): Your in love with a gay guy. You find him and he's activities sexually arousing. You want to be included in his sexually activities and spend the rest of your life with him. There is nothing wrong with that. There are many women who are attracted and married to gay men, and even join in sex with them and a partner who is bisexual and has the sexual desire to please them both...
But this is not your situation. There is no mistaking what your guy feels for you. You are his sister, his soulmate, his best friend. But there is no sexual desire, no interest in sharing sex with you and another guy. He's not interested in marrying you or entering into a unconventional relationship with you. You are his sister, he trusts you and loves you. To enter into anything sexual or romantic with him would be a betrayal. He needs a friend someone to stand by him in life. He is not looking for a female sex partner in any shape or form. If you can't understand this, then I suggest that you finish the friendship before you get hurt.
If sex with bisexual males in some type of threesome arrangement turns you on, I suggest you ask your friend to introduce you to GAYDAR, or take you along to a gay nightclub. There you might be able to two suitable guys who may satisfy the things that turn you on.
Different strokes for different folks madam.. There is a name for this type of interest. IT'S A VERY HORRIBLE NAME THAT I HATE, but there is a word for women who feel like you. "Fag Hag" I think they call it, nasty term. But I've placed it here to show that you are not strange, and many thousand's of women feel like you and can be accepted and even welcomed into the gay community. Unfortunately your guy is not even remotely interested, he just sees you as a sister, a friend, his special soulmate thing..
Askoldersister is perfectly right. This guy is trying to trap you into waiting for him, just in case one day he decideds to have kids and try a homosexual marriage. He is being selfish. You should be carefull, he isn't into you at all, and he's just exploring his options. Be carefully and don't get romantically involved because the chances are he will eventually fall in love with a guy and you will be left out in the cold.
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A
female
reader, michelleAKAmandi +, writes (29 September 2008):
I'm trying to grasp the "QUESTION" here.
You are in love with a gay man.
The two of you love each other and want a future together.
He wants to have sexual encounters with men while being "involved" with you
You two have NOT had sex.
So what is your exact question?
in response to his comment to you: I don't believe in gay-marriage. Then he comes up saying, what if I do get married. (gay-marriage)
Is he throwing this out there to get your reaction? Or is he bringing this up to open your eyes to the fact that he has actually started to consider this to be ok?
It looks to me like he is wanting you to be a very special part of his life, but not "the one". He is GAY! That is the answer to your question, or at least one of them. If he is gay then he is always going to want to have sex with another man. This is something you will have to accept if you want to be involved with him. This is not going to change and unfortunately going to make you, if you decide to continue your relationship with him, miss out on things that come along with a heterosexual relationship. You have to decide if that is something you can or will do. Would he be willing to let you be sexually involved outside of the relationship? and is that something you would consider?
You definitely have yourself in the midst of a complicated situation.
I'm trying to help you out, but I really need to understand a bit more.
Let me know if I'm on the wrong track here or if anything I've said helps.
Michelle
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A
female
reader, z_anne +, writes (29 September 2008):
z_anne is verified as being by the original poster of the question**Ask oldersister, though I can see and understand your point, the main reason I have this question is because he's sending me mixed signals, not because I have delusions that things are/ will be something they arent.**
Mostly, I am trying to understand it all and why/how it's happened to ME. Sexuality is tricky, and in this day and age it's really difficult to define, personally or generally. I now understand that about myself, hence my questions about my inability to be aroused in a "normal" heterosexual relationship or even the prospect of lesbian homosexual encounters. Its not me confusing our "love and devotion" to each other as some faciful dream. He has no idea I have been feeling this way about my sexuality, or that I'm confused at the IDEA of a sexual relationship with him. If he knew that I would not only be turned on to hear about his encounters but be fighting the urge to ask if I could watch or even participate, I'm sure he'd be a bit gobsmacked. Until he's strengthened who he is as a person, I cannot address something like that. It's my fear to deal with and if anyone has found themselves in a situation like this, I'd be more than happy to hear you out.
I do not wish he was straight. It is a big part of the allure I think that drew me to him, I think I can see that indirectly due to my sexual attraction. I have always got along great with gay men, and one of my closest friends is a gay male. With him, however, I have not felt attraction or the allure that I do with my soulmate. I love my friend dearly, but I CAN tell the difference between "gay friend" and whatever else is going on in my case. I am also not denying who he is, remember I said that I would never change him. It may seem like it, but I am not trying to deny myself other relationships or experiences. When someone tells you (and he was the one who said most of these things first, since as I've mentioned I have been detached and apathetic towards love for my whole life) that they want to spend the rest of their lives with you, they love only you with their entire heart and that you are the ONLY one they need-that they dont want anyone else, it confuses you when you know they are supposed to be gay. That, on top of the intense romantic feelings we have for each other (and I mean romantic, NOT sexual) makes it even more confusing. We have had dicussion upon discussion where I have tried to ask "Do you love me/ see me as a sister?" Adamantly, "NO!". Then, "Do you love me/ revere me as a bosom buddy/ a pal / a friend?" With that, I received a more emphatic "NO! You're NOT my friend...it's more than that. We both feel it. You're my turtledove." So yeah, its driving me crazy and what I really want is clarity on a situation that I fear can't be clarified until he figures himself out. We have both discussed and agreed how we want the future to be. But he's much younger than I and just starting to figure out living life on your own, finding his way. He told me once "I need to figure out who I am." I can agree with that by the way he plays his convictions against one another. (ie. wanting to get married but not believing in gay marriage / then all the sudden 'but what if I get gay married') I dont want to interfere with him figuring himself out, but not being part of his life while this happens isn't an option for us because as sappy as this sounds, the idea of not being in each other's lives is too much to bear and we feel lost and mournful when we even spend a week apart. I have rambled on again, and I apologize. Please, anyone: feedback, advice, ability to relate?
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