A
male
age
51-59,
*illiam101067
writes:I need some advise from anyone who will provide so that its coming from others besides me. My question is.... My soon to be wife has two children. They talk to her with no respect..they yell at her...backtalk, and if she tells them no, they question her as to why she is telling them no for things they ask for. Should she be allowing this to continue? She waits on them hand and foot. I have explained to them they talk to us like * and %(# and they have no respect for anyone but themselves. They straighten up for a few days then it right back to no respect. I have continually tried to explain to her that by her allowing them to be like this is only going to hurt them in the long run when it comes to getting a job, girlfriends...They do not speak to their father like this, he won't put up with it. They don't talk to their teachers like this... She punishes them by taking things away..ie. computer.. but doesn't follow through with the complete threat. ie.grounded for a week off the computer, but gives in after two or three days. She gets so upset at them and then, I get the blunt of her frustrations. She yells at them, they yell at her and nothing is getting accomplished. Please advise. I need as many responses as i can get.Thanks to all that respond and give advice. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): My friend... I hope that you can trust what I say. Although you do not know me, I can tell you that I have been there and done that. I have been with my wife for 4 years before we got married to "blend" our families (my two and her two). We have now been married for 3 years and my life is a nightmare. I loved her with all my heart at first, and overlooked WAY too many of the warning signs. Her oldest son, now 16, throws temper-tantrums almost daily whenever he hears he word "no", which doesn't happen all that often. He plays her like a fiddle and knows exactly what buttons to push and when. This has steadily chipped away at our marriage to where there is little left. I cannot say anything anymore to her about the rancid behaviors of her children without drawing comments like "you just have it out for them" or "you are just trying to make him pay". I have worked diligently with these kids on their school work, emotional well-being, and boundaries all of which were undermined because my wife cannot be consistent with them. Like you mention, things may improve for a few days, but it is just a matter of time. As the children get older, these co-dependent relationships progress to the point of insanity. She cannot stand to see them fail and takes on every little pain that they feel when they feel a natural consequence from their actions. Listen to your head in this case. I wish I had.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Your wife has no backbone when it comes to dealing with her kids and as a result they are walking all over her. I suspect their father was the discplinary in the household before they got divorced and she was nothing more than a talking head. And to this day, they still treat him with respect because of it. I also suspect she is dealing with the guilt of their divorce - it doesn't matter who filed or who wanted out, the family got dis-jointed and there's always guilt about that - and so she overcompensates by being too easy-going and now that they've gotten older and have entered "terrible teens" they are ruling the roost. It won't be long before they start lashing out at you, "You're not my Dad!"....I can hear it now. The other aunts have offered good suggestions. Family counseling may also help you guys learn more healthy ways to discipline older kids and help them to see the consequences of their actions. In the meantime, your wife MUST stick to the punishment she issues, no matter how much they whine or manipulate. If it's no computer for a week, then she cannot back down and you need to help her stay strong. She needs to understand the basis of tough-love because without it, her kids will go up to be disrespectful of all authority and believe that everyone owes them something.
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A
female
reader, xxbaybeegal  +, writes (9 January 2008):
 The only reason why they are like this cuz they proabably grew up with being spoilt so they have learned to use it to get pretty much what the want. But do you really think that grounding them off the computer is going to help them? no the punishment has to make them feel bad but i dont mean hitting them something that will make there mouth drop-like no more pocket money for a month/ no more hanging out with their friends for a month. if you seee where im coming from. cuz you cant let them get away with it or when they get over 16 they will be doing stuff you dont approve, (im guessing they are younger than 16 cuz u sed they are teenagers). Talking to them also could help, you need to explain your not tolerating what they are saying or doing. because im guessing your not. but you need to make sure they dont get away with this cuz teenagers know how to put there parents in a troubled state.
gd luck and do plz take my advice, and could you feedback on whats going on thank you.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (9 January 2008):
 Well, I am sure that your fiance is just as frustrated with the bad behavior of her children as you are. But I would like to make a suggestion. I think that you should have a private discussion with her about the issue of discipline and her children. Instead of bringing to her attention the problem maybe you should present a solution to her. Tell her how you think the situation should be handled and resolved, then get feedback from her and see how she feels.Maybe your insight will get her to thinking about an effective way of getting her point across to the kids. Then when you and your soon to be wife decide on your plan of action you can sit the kids down and explain to them how things are going to work. I think that will make a big difference everyone will be on the same page and most importantly your teamwork will be very effective. I would like to point out that raising kids is not easy and there is no manual, she may not know what to do. Anyone can point out a problem but only someone who really cares can point out the problem and help to find a solution. Good Luck with everything ...
rockell
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