A
female
age
30-35,
*onfused dee
writes:im confused and need help!!ok im 20 atm and have been dating by boyfriend since oct "08". we have known eachother since june 2008 during the time i met him i went overseas for three months and he would call and text me while i was away.I hAd strong feelings for him while i was there and would miss him and think of him, when i got back we started to date. He says im his soul mate and his in love and that we shouldnt wait for to long till we get married.He always nagged me about getting engaged and having a party and we will be having an engaement party in 2 weeks time. He rushed into this idea and planed everything out so quickly. now i think reality has hit me on the face. i question my self why is he rushing why does he want to be married in the next year why.some say he loves you others say his trying to make you commit to him before you realise other things and leave him . also we are both from diffrent cultures and there are alot of diffrent things. i realised he is quite back minded. his 26 albanian, the problem that has bothered me alot is the fact his too attached to his family, he wants to live with his mum , dad, sister once were married. being in love with someone you dont really think of the worst but i cant sleep at night anymore i keep thinking and thinking. he said there is no way we will live together alone. he says this is his culture like seriously what day and age are we in.if i left it up to my heart i would put a blind eye to all this but my mind says your taking a huge risk.ok lets say were married im going to feel like leaving my own fathers hosue and just being a new memeber of another family.i grew up to belive that marriage is a new start and begining were 2 people in love leave there familys to start there own and create there own place they put effort to strat there own life and have kids.living with inlwas i will have to follow there way of running the hosue i wont have any privacy with him or a house of my onw with my partner. this may sound selfish but at this satge no one can trust no one. lets say for intance we get married the house ill be going to is under his parents name. ill be workng and my income would go staright to the house since im living there right.and if i was to help them out and after 10 years he wnats to get divorced ill be the one getting kicked out and leaving without nothing and 10 years of my life and earnings would go down the drain when i could of saved up and made a deposit to by a ouse and have something for the future so litrally id be used by them.Some how i discussed this with him and he says what do you want your name under the house their getting built and i told him i have the right to feel secure so would anyone else ,, its a harsh world anything could happen and we could be left in the middle with nothing. i told him we will never have anything thats ours, he says oh we could buy a house togetehr later and how is he planing to do that when this house a massive loans been pulled out. is he trying to trick me ,,, sometimes he doesnt make sense ,, i mean i love him we get along when were next to eachother were happy and everything seems perfect until reality hits and i start to realize everything.do you think its a culture issue are all albanians like this also or is it because he wont be able to afford our place so rather stick with his parents . well there is more things i could keep going on about... i would much appreciate it if i could hear from anyone out there who could give me advice.
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female
reader, confused dee +, writes (10 February 2009):
confused dee is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI woke up today and the first thing i did was check if there were any comments,, im glad to see you guys have responded thankyou very much appriciate it. i guess we all have similar views about the situaion im in. Being in love and realising things which could happen in the future scares me and makes me think. love may be about sacrafices to a point but not one sided."Protection" has always been a huge issue in my life since young I've always felt I have to protect myself and grew up in a way were i have seen alot of things go wrong in relationships or life in genral :) my star sign is cancer so I'm full of emotions and protection is a thing with me. Just like a crab I feel like I have to hide in my shell to protect myself from the outside. It's true what you guys are saying we should both be happy and compromise with decions made.I use to belive if love is the key then it should open all doors but not anymore. if he loves me so musch and is rushing why cant he change his mind about his views about living with them and expect me to accept this. I mean I have been brought up to leave the hous when married and start a new life with someone. thats my culture thats our mentality so if he can ecpect me to give up on my views about this then i question myself why cant he if his love is so great. it scares me to think and believe his love is not great enough!!! :(
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (9 February 2009):
 Your intuition is leading you in the right direction. I would be wary of this whole thing. You are being smart in your thinking - protect yourself and your future. If you feel like you're being "rushed" and "tricked", and your ears are starting to prick up, I think that is your gut making a good decision. I don't think I would go through with this...
You're right. Marriage should be two people creating one life together. You should definitely spend especially the first years of your married life together alone to develop your relationship and find a good groove for your marriage to reflect for the rest of your lives together. I think that moving in with a family that you don't know is not the right foot to kick off on.
You are so young and you've got so much time left in your life. Don't commit to this crazy lifestyle that you'll end up in. I would proceed with a lot of deep thought and caution.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2009): Dear Confused,It is not at all unreasonable for you to want to start a new life with the man you love, without his parents. Nor is it unreasonable for him to plan to stay with his family after he gets married. However... It may be a cliche, but there is more to a marriage than being in love. To start with, it is important that you are both on the same page about what you want in the future. Please ask yourself if you both want the same things in life before making this commitment. Try talking it over with your fiance, if there is no way you two can come to a compromise that you are BOTH happy with, you may want to reconsider your engagement.
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