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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Hi, about a year ago i was involved in a play that required me to kiss this boy during many rehearsals for about a month. at the time i had a boyfriend of six months and i'm still with the same guy. after the play ended me and the boy kept in touch via secret emails, nothing over-friendly, really, but still inappropriate for someone with a boyfriend. my boyfriend found out and we had a huge fight and i promised to break off all ties with the boy. i broke my promise twice more which resulted in two more huge fights with my boyfriend. Now he says he cant' trust me which i understand but he makes me feel so incredibly guilty and i feel literally sick to my stomach whenever this issue comes up.I understand why he's still hurting but there's nothing i can do, i really have broken all ties with this boy now and never wish to speak to him again but my boyfriend doesnt believe me. he also doesnt want me to study drama because of what being in the play did to our relationship and drama is something i feel really passionate about. I feel like in order for us to make it he needs to move on from this horrible situation but obviously it isn't that easy to make him realise that, how can I??
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much for your advice :) everything's been going fine...so far :) today i went back to school (i graduated last year) and ran into my old drama teacher, she asked me if i could help out with the school play which is next week! i'm so excited because that's just the kind of thing i'd love to do BUT 'the boy' is in this school play too so i will definitely see him, so now i feel obliged as a girlfriend to turn down this opportunity. the thing is i live in perpetual fear of running into 'the boy' because i dont know how i could possibly ignore him when he's done nothing wrong, i would just feel rude.but my boyfriend has basically forbidden me from even looking in his direction. i wish my boyfriend could be ok with me occasionally running into 'the boy' (not on purpose of course) and me just being friendly cause thats the kind of person i am. I hate that i feel guilty at the thought of even SEEING 'the boy' een if it's not my fault, and feel like my boyfriend needs to be ok with this 'cause otherwise we'll never move on from this problem, but is this asking too much? should i just accept that i am never allowed to talk to 'the boy' ever again and just deal with it?
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (9 February 2009):
 Don't drop your passion for theater for a guy. As a theater gal myself, I say that you need to reeeaaalllyyy talk to your guy and make big changes or break up with him. He can't ask you to give up something that you love so much. It's unfair. What will you find more happiness and fulfillment with? Your man?
You did mess up. I'm not saying that you didn't. Secrets are never a good thing, of course your fella was eventually going to find out and of course he would be really, really hurt. You know you screwed up. So you owe him a big apology and you need to work on rebuilding that trust. If, that is, he can move on from this incident and you decide to stay in this relationship.
But, I'm really just here to encourage you NOT to drop theater. You'll always hate yourself for giving it up and you'll just grow to resent your boyfriend for taking away something that you love so much. I couldn't give up theater if I tried!!! I would turn into the biggest drama queen ever because I would have no outlet for the dramatic side of me.
Good luck - I mean, break a leg.
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (9 February 2009):
 Well assuming that there was nothing lurid in these emails what was inappropiate was not that they happened but that you kept them secret. I have to say the fact that you did kind of suggests to me that there was an attraction between you and this boy (another reason why you would feel guilty without doing anything technically wrong); either that or your bf is controlling and was in danger of overreacting.
Having said all that the damage has been done now and there is nothing that you can do to undo what has been done. I would say you have to give your bf time and space to figure out what he wants to do and beyond that there is little to be done because quite simply this is out of your hands now. I am sure you have already apologised etc and it wouldnt hurt to try and show your bf that you still feel for him in small ways but the ball really is in his court now.
The price you are obviously paying for what you did is that if he wasnt controlling before then he is obviously starting to become so and that plain and simply is because you have violated his trust. Really and properly he shouldn't stopping you studying something you want too but because of your guilt I suspect you are inclined to bend to his wishes. This would not be the best way forward because unless he is genuinely controlling what is causing it is, as I said, his lack of trust in you (understandable because you kept this a secret). All you can really do is address that over time and by giving him alot of reassurances.
You are right he needs to move on but that really isnt going to happen overnight and you cant make it happen overnight and to be honest you kind of lose the right to dictate that to him because he is the wronged party. Tell him you are doing the course but keep up the reassuring. Good luck :)x
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