A
male
age
51-59,
*oris Grushenko
writes:A few days abo, I promised you guys the occasional rant about my divorce and my ex-wife's behaviour. Just to make sure I keep my promise, here comes another one ...Some years ago, I spent a lot of time on B and W photography doing everything the traditional - chemical - way. I kept all my stuff end we had discussed that, after our house would be refurbished, I could take up that hobby. I thought we had agreed although it had taken some time to convince her. As we only recently decided to get divorced, I am still packing my things. Today I wanted to pack my photography stuff and my enlarger turned out to have disappeared. I searched the whole house, the garage etc. but did not find it. I know where we had it stocked (and that was not the garage) ... it's just gone.I had a similar thing when we moved to our current house: I had a subscription to the Dutch National Geographic, I had classified them all for some years (I believe the first one came out 12 years ago). She deemed it stupid to keep those old magazines, but I did in fact reread articles when more recent issues refered to them. She agreed to keep them but when I started packing my magazines the moment we were moving to the current hous, she just said: "Why bother, I've thrown half of them out anyway."She has done this with other things as well, mostly kitchen appliances we had double and of whick she tossed mine.I am quite upset about this. I'm going to have time at hand, I'm going to need something to keep me from going down the drain mentally and I was hoping to find some peace and quiet in the darkroom (I've tried digital too but photoshop does not do this trick for me).Mostly, I'm in doubt. I see two options: the first is to confront her, the latter is to let it pass.I have the experience that, if I confront her, she'll just start yelling, she'll turn things around and she'll make sure her claims of disrespectfulness on my behalf hit me at least twice as hard. She did this with the magazines - I should have cleaned them up (they were in magazine holders on a shelf) and so on - and I actually ended up feeling guilty about standing up for myself.On the other hand, letting it pass, letting her belief she got away with it does not seem right.I fell torn between "picking a fight that I can't win" and being overrun again. I might need some perspective on this because I'm in over my head and I hardly see things clearly now.
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male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (13 August 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dear anonymous female,
I did not throw her stuff out because we agreed I wouldn't. We agreed certain things ware allowed to stay, I'm not complaining about the things that were not supposed to stay; I'm complaining about a pattern with which she has used to hurt me several times, as if trying to make clear she never intended to respect my boundaries. As for the enlarger: true, I hadn't used it for a while but a few days before the divorce was decided, we had an architect over for planning the refurbishment of the house. I mentioned I wanted a small room of 1m² for printing pictures. She agreed with that (that is, she did not object).
If I would change my mind on an agreement, I would talk about it first. I would not go back on my word and then confront her later. On the other hand: she terrifies me, it has been like that for over a year; I would probably have said nothing, only to abide with whatever bothered me.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): I think you say you would not throw her stuff out because I just guess she is the main house cleaner not you.When you divorce you should not be brining up stuff that happened years ago.You stayed with her after she threw it out..did you sleep in the same bed then too? So that stuff does not even matter in court.You are just grasping at straws to make her look bad so you can look good.That will backfire on you.It does not make you look good at all..It will hurt your chances at a fair settlement because you will look petty.Just let it go.Take a deep breath and tell yourself you are better than that because you are.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2019): Just be glad you are getting out.She did more than not threw them out because they have not even been looked at in years.It was probably not done to be mean to you.Now just move forward in your life.It was just stuff that you can replace.Accept it and move on.Holding on to stuff like this does no good.What is done is done.Let it go.
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A
male
reader, Boris Grushenko +, writes (9 August 2019):
Boris Grushenko is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Female anon,
That's what she claims: a clean house. But I wouldn't dare to even set an eye on her stuff, she threw her candy-wrappers on the floor, expecting me to pick them up (that has changed since she decided she wanted a divorce), does not understand why I don't want used handckerchiefs on the dining table, puts dirty dishes and muesli bowls in the sink instead of the dishwasher or goes grocery shopping and does not unpack anything ...
As for photography, I have brought up multiple times that I was looking forward to the day I could start making pictures again. I don't think I could have been any clearer without having her sign a contract.
Anyway, things were packed out of sight. We don't have a lack of storage room.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (8 August 2019):
 Why not compromise and say to her "I KNOW you have thrown my x, y and z out. I am going to rise above your vindictiveness and not argue with you about it because it is not worth the stress, but I want you to know that I know." Then walk away and let it go. It's gone. There is nothing you can do. If there is anything else you value and think she may throw out, get it away from the marital home as quickly as possible and ask friends/family to store it if you have nowhere to put it at the moment.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2019): The way you describe it I think she threw out the items before the divorce started.I doubt she did it to be mean.She likes a clean and orderly home while you like to keep things which go unused because you know someday you just might need them even though you had them packed away for years.There is only so much space in a home and to keep things for years you might or might not use can be classified as hoarding.I have done the same thing.I have thrown out things we have not used in years because there is only so much space and I like a clean house.Now that you have your own place you can fill it to the brim with whatever you want.If you marry again put the things that are classified as must keep in a storage or have a outside shed.Some people like a clean house without lots of dusty clutter around.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 August 2019):
 Figure out the cost of those items (replacement value) When you talk to the lawyers, THAT comes out of HER share.
Anything of VALUE to you, I would move to a friend's or family members house. ASAP. Same for important documents.
She is being petty. I wouldn't play her games and argue with her. There is no point. But I wouldn't roll over either.
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