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anonymous
writes:I have just had a very heated conversation with my teenage sons aged 17 and nearly 20. Both them feel they have had terrible childhoods because I use to smack them and threaten them with implements when they were younger and according to them also steal their money.I had my first at the age of 28. The children's father was around but had a roving eye and we eventually split. He never really tried to maintain contact with the boys and I got tired trying to force him. He would tell me if he cant have me he does not want to know.I have always worked and was able to get on the property ladder as a single professional mum. I must admit that I did have a bit of a temper but it would only explode after a trying period.My boys (especially my 17 year old) is very angry with me because of things in their child hood. They talk about me stealing their paper round money. I explained that I did not steal it but rather reinvested it in stage school classes, piano lessons, later Air Cadets and trips and sport clothes and trainers for them. I explained that things were hard at this time as I had a mortgage and had a new baby (my now 9 year old) and had very high childcare costs. They still felt that I should have given them the money so that they could buy sweets and what they wanted. I thought I was being a good parent. I would buy them want they wanted when the time was right.I was hit as a child and it did me no harm. I would hit my children when they did something wrong. My older son once had a big row with me over money and he once held me in such a way that bruised my arm severely. I struck him with an implement and it cut his arm. He continues to deny hurting me and understanding that it was due to that why I hit him with an implement. (I self referred to social services after this incident for help). I explained to him that I did not bring children into the world to be abused by them.My 17 year old gets very angry with me about an issue at school prior to his GCSE's. He was in 2nd to top group and due to his behaviour got moved down to the bottom set which had a lot of ESOL students. He was absolutely fuming. When i found out about it I spoke to the headteacher and the Head of Year. I was told that he would be retested. I never heard much more about it. My sons eyes really water when he speaks to me about this as he feels I should have done more to get him moved up again. I explained to him that he needed to do the work to prove he was capable. He lost total enthusiasm and used me to blame. This son totally messed up nearly all his GCSE's because of an incident with a group of boys and not being allowed back on the schools premises for a good few weeks prior to his GCSE's. Again he was furious. Told me I should have done more (I had already spoken to the head teacher, the governor, the Local authority, the MP, a solicitor) What more could I have done? I even tried to help him with home learning as I was between jobs - he was not interested!The same topics keep coming up over and over again with my sons and it really distressed me this evening. Both of them are living independently with the help of social services as I just could not deal with the temper issues and the same old arguments over and over again. They just will not back down and keep accusing me of being a bad mum.They have never come home and seen me drugged up or drunk. I do not have a whole load of different men around. I do not have a lot of friends so I hardly go out. All I have ever down is worked hard as a teacher/manager in education and tried to look after my children the best I can with no extended family support.Is it me or do other parents experience this as I am really tempted to disown them. I plan to ask social services to arrange one long councelling session and see if we can trash this out for the last time so that they can go into adult hood as normal young men. My 17 year old has been into the most trouble with the police and his record is long and is as if he is crying out for attention. I do not understand why as they have always had me, we have not moved around a lot so they have had consistency. They have travelled a bit of the world. They have been to stage school, had piano lessons, went to aircadets. Currently I am helping them to settling into independent living and continuously helping them out. Would they rather I disappear as I do not what this continuous arguments and misunderstandings all the time.Any advice welcomed please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): Ok-yes you did abuse them for sure if you hit them and smack them with implements and you need to admit that to your sons. The money issue is debatable as you were struggling and you did use the money for them, but since they earned it they should have had some say in how it was spent. The son who manhandled you is abusive too and he learned that from your behavior most likely unless he also saw his father behaving aggressively to you or to him. It is going to be a long road for him to heal from this and you admitting you did wrong will help. Their anger for you does not justify abusive behavior to you however.It's a good thing you're not all living together now. Try to talk to your sons, maybe with a councilor, and try to begin to heal what has happened. Tell each other you're sorry and that you will never hit each other again. Try to forget the past and work towards a better future. It seems you did all you could for the son who had problems at school so you need to explain that to him- he needs to let go of this idea that you let him down. Get some therapy for yourself to deal with all the stress and things you are feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): You are making excuses for your behaviour but condemn your sons for acting out at you by your own example. This indicates you lack accountability and responsibility.Having short temper, fine, you know this about you, so what did you do to manage it? Anger management classes?My gut says you have narcissistic personality disorder and that your one son, due to your personality, is now suffering antisocial personality disorder. Which can be genetic but also environmentally influenced.I think counselling a long time ago was needed.I'm a single parent and had stresses as well- financial yet, I worked hard to remain gentle, loving, firm when needed, and very rarely had to resort to physical punishments. I wasn't raised very lovingly- I didn't have a stable home until I was 12 years old - foster care.I don't think there are excuses for abuse, short tempers, violence- regardless of intentions.I do understand that you may have done your best, having come from the backround you have, but it still does no one good to let your pride get in the way of validating your son and saying, I am sorry for any wrongs I may have committed against you. I was doing the best I could. I can only be sorry and work to not do those things from this moment on. Stick to counselling until you learn the SKILL to VALIDATE and SUPPORT your SONS. LISTEN. NO excuses. Just listen. Think, reflect, HEAR the pain and acknowledge it.Minimizing and rationalizing, as you have testified in your post is the REASON why your sons are angry.So yes, get counselling to do what you can now for self improvement and to gain skills on how to be a loving, warm MOther and not a cold, disproving one.
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reader, C. Grant  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Parenting is an intensely difficult thing to do. Being a single parent is that much harder. Personally I don’t think the verdict on our success as parents can be rendered until our children become parents themselves. That’s the point at which they have an informed perspective, and can re-evaluate how they were parented.
I don’t know anyone who had a “perfect” childhood, whose parents never erred. Sometimes we see kids who to all appearances came from ideal homes and went badly off the rails. And we see kids who came from very challenging environments excel. Parenting is important, of course, but there are other factors at play too.
Your question is about how you proceed from here. I do think family counselling is worth a try, although I can’t emphasize enough that the skill of the counsellor is crucial. Choose carefully, because with the wrong facilitator the process can backfire badly.
The suggestion that you pursue individual counselling is perhaps even better. You still have a nine-year-old to parent. To the extent that a skilled counsellor can help you learn lessons (both good and bad) about your experience parenting so far, your youngest child may benefit.
Your older children seem to be stuck in a loop with their thinking. They won’t break out of that loop without something changing. They’re embarking on independent living. Perhaps it’s time, then, for you to back away. Be available to them at all times, of course. Call every few days to say hello and let them know you’re thinking of them. Otherwise, give them space to think things through and establish their lives. And use that space to heal yourself, to lessen the anger and bitterness you feel. Disowning a 17 year-old is harsh and virtually ensures a permanent rift, something you’re likely to come to regret.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Where do you think your children learned to have temper tantrums, be abusive (to you and others as well it sounds, with these "incidents")? You used to hit them, yet when they fight back and hurt you you cry out that you are a victim. How many times were they not victims by you? What happened happened. But do not forget that you taught them how to behave, you taught them right from wrong. If they argue with you now, and are abusive, if they hit their own children, then yes.. It is because of you. If you ever want to get out of this vicious cycle of blaming each other and arguing, then step out, take responsibility, and don't look back. You didn't do right by them. You tried. You some times failed. You can excuse it all you want, but things will not change for the better until you start taking responsibility and stop blaming your surroundings (the father left, you were hit yourself, you were stressed, they pushed you to it, they didn't meet school demands etc). Did it ever occur to you that perhaps the reason for why your son couldn't do well in school is because he was too distressed by his living conditions at home? Do you really think that a child should, and can, be entirely responsible for his own actions?Children are not responsible for their actions to the same degree that the adults are responsible for their actions and the actions of their offspring. It is always the adults who need to take responsibility. In your case you write off every responsibility. Especially in the case of your sons education, you blame him for it. That he should have worked harder. He should have done more himself. He was to blame. Not you... You sound very angry. And very dramatic. You seek revenge on your sons by disowning them. Yes, that would be vindictive. That is an act done solely to hurt them, because you wish them harm. And as such, I do not sympathize with you. What reasons do you have to disown them other than you wanting to hurt them? What reason other than you seeking revenge over your hurt pride? Be an adult. Take responsibility. How can your sons ever learn to take responsibility for their actions when you constantly deny that you have anything to do with anything. And yes, I am biased. I was hit by my father when growing up. He never took responsibility for anything, he blamed his children for his own mistakes, and he treated me like I was an adult even though I was a child, making me responsible for things HE was supposed to be responsible for. And it strikes me that you do the exact same. Certain things you remember as a child.. and certain things you never forgive. I think you should seek therapy, for yourself. To deal with your feelings around your relationship to your sons. Not to improve that relationship, or to pass blame, but just to understand yourself. And to learn to know yourself, and how to handle this difficult situation. It'll be helpful to you, for your own mentality, to talk to a professional. Not in group therapy, just you. May your sons seek therapy themselves should they wish to, but thats up to them to decide. Let things go. Stop blaming them. Stop trying to be something you are not. What is done is done, and now you need to figure out how to move on from here, rather than pass the blame around in a circle.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 Pardon me, but what you expect , that they are NOT angry ? ... Why shouldn't they be ?
You " used " to smack them and threaten them with implements. Meaning it was not a once or twice " mommy went berserk " accident, it was a repeated occurrence, an educational system. Angry ?... They must love you a lot, under the anger, to still want to talk to you. Other kids in similar circumstances have simply cut any ties with the abusive parents, as soon as they were able too.
Now, I don't want to make you like the bad guy here, you are not a monster, I believe that you love your kids and did what you could for them , they way you thought best , in good faith. I know how hard being a parent can be, and doubly so being a single parent. It would be nice, you think, that your kids would understand where you are coming from.
It would be nice, but it's not mandatory. Let's call things by their name : Child abuse is child abuse , and every person has a different way to react to it. Understanding and forgiveness is one way, anger is another , much more common and natural.
What you say about the background and circumstances explains , but does not justify. In fact, you have been lucky. " I hit him with an implement and cut his arm ". In my country, the use of implements would have done you in, you would surely have served jail time. There's a crime called " abuse of correctional means " and, by and all, the judges here feel that the demarcation line between correction and abuse is exactly the use of " implements ". Like, if your kid is driving you crazy and you just can't stop that slap from flying out, well, you are a stressed out mom, it can happen - if you get to the point you use implements, then no, you are dangerous. To the kids and socially. Go tell the judge that you have been provoked or hit first ,good luck. Provoked by whom , a minor ? A teenager ? A CHILD , even ?... YOU are the adult, you are supposed to know better and to exercise wisdom, compassion and restraint in any circumstances.
Again, I am not tryng to paint you like a witch or Cruella De Ville , in fact ,like I said, if these kids still bother getting a reaction out of you or getting under your skin, I think it's because they love you. ( It's like when you have a big unrequited love, - some times spurned women or men act up and become confrontational and mean, and cut your car tyres... just because they want your attention, they want a link to you anyway, and if it cannot be a good loving one , it will be a bad one, just please don't go away ... )
But yes, these kids are angry , and rightly so. ( Don't let me even get started with the "stealing the money " issue, in this case too, personally, I think yours was a terrible, wrong decision- but that's only my own opinion, while about the hitting , that's the opinion of society and LAW in most of the Western world ).
You say you have been hit as a child and that did not do you any harm. I beg to differ, no it did, it made you grow up to believe that hitting your children is a normal , acceptable, even commendable thing so no big deal. While, very often, to the child, verbal and physical abuse feels
very painful emotionally, and may leave deep marks inside . Maybe thinking " no big deal " is the way you have chosen to make yourself numb and oblivious to the pain of your own childhood- or maybe you actually did not give a damn, but everybody has a different sensitivity , your kids are upset and ,again, it's not surprising !
Where does this leave you then ? I honestly don't know, it takes time , and patience, and love to mend certain
rifts, to repair certain damages. Perhaps you could try family counseling to learn communicating better, and getting unstuck from old dysfunctional patterns. And : be patient, - try and focus on the positive, on the good parts of your relationship, on the mutual love, care and share that I bet there is under all this mutual hostility.
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