A
female
age
51-59,
*ummer05
writes:My son is 23 and he has been dating a girl, also 23, for 5 years, since they both started college. I love the girl like my own daughter, she is smart, kind and patient and up until now, my son and her seemed to have had a wonderful relationship. I always hoped and still do that they will get married one day. However, now my son starts saying that he needs space, he doesn't want to be with her all the time or be responsible for her, etc. I kind of understand where he is coming from because she was his first girlfriend and maybe now he feels that he wants to experience the world, etc. But my heart is breaking, thinking that they may actually break-up... His girlfriend e-mailed me, devastated, asking me if I could talk to my son and figure out what the problem is, she doesn't want to lose him. I tried talking to my son, but can't really get a straight answer out of him, he actually avoids me now, and doesn't answer his cell phone when I call. I don't know what to do... I really don't want them to break up and I feel horrible for the girlfriend whom, like I said, I really came to love... On the other hand, if my son really feels differently, I can't force him to be with her... I know most of you will probably say not to interfere, but I wish there was something I could do to get these two back together... is there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2009): All great advice here... the only thing you CAN do is remove yourself from the situation. It's hard, since many times we see wonderful people get invovled with our kids and we fall in love with them as if they were our own. The break up hurts everyone, but it's not our relationship- it's theirs.
I'd write her a from the heart letter, telling her what your going through. While it can't heal her primary pain, it may be a good way to create some required seperation.
I think it would be a huge mistake to maintain a relationship with her, as much as you might like.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 September 2009):
 This is one of those things where its very hard to stay out because you really saw something with your son and his girlfriend. But in a way, there's hardly anything you can do.
I feel really terrible for her too because it seems like she's mature and caring, and probably loves him as much as if not more than you do, if it even sounds possible. Both of you are hurting and he's run off to weirdo land.
She wrote you because she's desperate to get through to him and maybe hit a roadblock.
Guys sometimes get really freaky at this stage. Don't worry because he's going to get freaky again in about 20 plus years. Hopefully by then, if she's still with him, she'll know exactly how to handle the weirdness-factor. Just put it in a time capsule marked "midlife" and open when necessary.
The fact is that he's wondering what his life is going to be like from here on end. College was fun but now he's looking at a day-to-day existence, actually having to go out and work for a living and so forth. If he marries her, he wants to be a good provider.
That transition from college to "manhood" is kind of hard if you're not prepared for it.
I think he's worried about a couple of things. First of all if he's ever going to be able to support a family if he does get married to her. Maybe he's got a lot of doubts. If so, his fear and doubt is in his own abilities.
He could also be looking at his friends, many of whom may be single, and wondering what he's missing out on that their getting. The grass is greener concept. As a bachelor I loved and hated it. It was great for variety but lonely most of the time.
But, all that said and done, if he's shutting everyone out, then its cause for some concern for all the people that love him, not just his girlfriend.
If he's on speaking terms with her, then she needs to very quietly, gently and lovingly talk to him when he's a little calmer.
I know he's unsettled right now. But if he needs the space that bad, then maybe seeing she's there for her (she should do this in person), he might open up a bit and tell her what he's afraid of when he's ready.
I see some kind of fear, shame or guilt looming underneath this, and if he really trusts her, and she really loves him; then he'll feel confident enough to let her know what he's going through.
Sometimes it just takes a non-judgmental and accepting person to open a guy up, such as the condition he's in right now.
Whatever it is, he's going through a lot of anguish over it, and unfortunately he's doing it alone. I think his girlfriend wants to help him, and so do you.
I might add that if he's hurting this bad over it, he probably loves her very deeply and he's letting his doubts have too much power over him.
Has his father been involved in any of this? Any other family members talk to him to try and gauge what's going on?
Whatever it is that's eating at him, I have to say if he's been this fortunate with her, and she's that good to him; he's probably doing something he'd regret on down the road.
Most people would say just back off and give him his space. But guys think weird thoughts when they're on their own like this. And I can see where his girlfriend is hurting over this too. She probably feels as powerless as you do, and as frustrated.
I really hope that he takes the time to at least be good to her, instead of abandoning her emotionally like this. She certainly doesn't deserve this, and frankly neither do you.
But the truth is, there's hardly anything you can do to help him unless he asks you to.
And so there's the thumbnail analysis.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 September 2009):
Nope, nothing you can do. I think you know that he wants to experience life etc. Sometimes people don't realize what they have right in front of them until it's gone. In your eyes, she could be the greatest person, but in his...perhaps he's gotten bored with her and/or doesn't want the commitment right now. I think the worst thing you can do is try to convince him or try to shove him in the right direction. He's an adult and he is making his own decisions. I'm sure he's not happy about what he's doing, but he needs his space. Give him time and don't side with his girlfriend--you should support your son's decisions, not side with the girlfriend that he doesn't want to be with.
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