A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a 25-year-old son with Asperger's Syndrome; he is employed as a car valet at a local garage and does well at it (he used to obsess about cleaning the car when young, and now does it for a living, within what's legal on our benefit rules).However, the one thing he finds hard to get is a relationship; he's never really had a partner, so to speak.Last night he told us he admitted he had feelings for a gay friend of his, Steve, who we know, but did not know was gay until 3 weeks ago - he's known Steve since April last year when he met him in a local pub night out with some work colleagues.He told us it's not obvious he's gay - certainly to us it wasn't, and his friend certainly is a lovely person - we don't think all gay people are camp - and that he's a good friend.However, our son's terribly conflicted; on one hand, he wants to have a girlfriend, proper first date with a girl, but on the other hand he likes Steve, and has told us he likes men, but its about 90% women / 10% men, sometimes 80% women / 20% men at other times, and he feels awful about it. He said he didn't like having these feelings for his gay friend (who does like him, and our son admits he likes him too, but also feels he should have a proper relationship with a girl first. He also knows Steve hasn't had a partner since November 2011 as well). He also said he was concerned about homophobia; where we live is very rural, and homophobia is common, but racism isn't, oddly enough.There have been several homophobic attacks reported in our local paper - not in our village, but other small villages/towns a few miles up the road.He then explained to us his attraction to women is both emotional and sexual; for men it's mostly emotional, rarely if ever sexual, and he doesn't like having these feelings, he wants to get rid of these feelings for men, he said he shouldn't have them.Our son likes (i.e. fancies) his gay friend, who likes him as well, but he is too scared to admit it outright to his friend because he thinks it could damage their friendship, and he thinks he should have a proper relationship with a girl first, and then date a guy if/when at some point in the future.He enjoys work - because he likes the job, and secondly, he doesn't have to worry about his conflicted sexual identity, he says.He said it's wrong for him to have these feelings due to where we live and the fact there is very few gay people where we live too. Our son asked us for help, but we don't know where to go next - he said counselling could be too expensive.What should we do about this? All help is appreciated, as we're pleased he asked for help, but we honestly don't know what to do. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): The advice for CAHMS was good idea but they have a cut of age of 18teen and normal move to the adult learning disability team within your local social work office.. They have a very large multi disciplinary team that have psychiatrist and CPN ( community psychic nurses) are there to offer advice on many very different subjects like your own.For a mother who has an autistic adult son, and as a professional who works within the mental health field, let me first say how normal for young adults who have these syndromes to become confused over their sexuality. I think your son feels comfortable with his friend and may be even misreading his own gratitude for even having a friend as something more . But even if he isn't and he is gay, there is no shame and he does need someone professional to discuss this with, rather than bringing it home to the kitchen table so to speak. So I would get in contact with your nearest social work office ask to speak to the duty worker on the disability team , explain to them your sons background and ask to be assessed . This will open doors in regard to services and professional advice for your son, everyone holistically working together for his emotional welfare and health .Hope this helps x
A
male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (11 February 2013):
 I came to accept the fact that I was gay when I was about 19, but it wasn't until I was about your son's age that I finally started acting on it... so just because your son is older than what you'd expect for someone to come out or even realize that he might be bi or even gay doesn't make it any less inevitable.
My guess is he is probably MORE straight than not, but he needs to discover that for himself... possibly with professional help (i.e. the CAMHS service previously mentioned).
You should NOT take your son to CAMHS in order to help him 'straighten' out... only to deal with his anxiety - and you need to let him know that whichever direction he goes you'll always love him. And stop using the term 'proper relationship' - that's just insulting and denigrating... especially if you're using it when talking to him. It'll make him even MORE apprehensive... and may think that you won't approve of him if he is bi/gay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2013): It sounds to me like he could be bi-curious, or bisexual. Certainly many people go through the stage of being bi-curious, even if they don't want to do anything about it. However, if your son's friend is gay, then he will certainly know the difference.
I can understand, and appreciate, that he may be anxious, especially considering the area you live in.
It is good that he feels he can talk to you about this. I, personally, don't think councelling is required. Just keep talking!
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A
female
reader, truelondoner +, writes (11 February 2013):
 If you go to the doctors and ask him to be refered to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) that will be 100% free (It is a councilling service for youths) and 100% confidentual. If you say that it is making him feel very sad and he needs someone to talk to, to get all this frustration out of his mind then they will refer him and help him decide which he wants to do. GOODLUCK!
P.S Here is some infomation on CAMHS it is deffinatly worth reading.
http://www.youngminds.org.uk/for_parents/services_children_young_people/camhs/what_are_cahms
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