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anonymous
writes: My 27 years old drug-addict son ,causing me and my family lots of pain. He moved back several times in our home, and we tried to help him over and over again. But it failed every time. He is here again. On house arrest, so he can avoid jail.I feel so confused, because, I don't see what else can we do. And the distraction is huge.First of all, his problems started when he was a child. He was a very difficult child to raise. He was assessed several times by psychiatrist, but all they could say it was probably conduct disorder. He was not accepting any parental guidance. But they never found any major mental illness. So we had no idea what to do with his delinquent and harmful behavior. He was shaking the whole family. My other children closely watched his rebellion, and they followed him. At the end there was a family worker coming in , before we sent him to live in foster care. It hard to believe what was he doing to us, for those, who never experienced this kind of thing. So shortly. He is a crack addict, with criminal charges, on probation at the last 7 years. I feel, I have nothing to give anymore, but he is just blaming, and looking for mistakes outside of him. I almost feel, I want to stop having connection with him. His brother and sister also had enough of him. But ,I'm his mother. What can I do in such a horrible family situation. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Thanks very much for all the helpful answers! It is wonderful to get support from complete strangers. It seems , there is more help from strangers, than your friends and family. Because when you have a problem like this, everybody just trying to get out of your life, or in worst case blame you. Yet ,I do know, we have done everything and more, and we never caused his problems. I. m very much thinking now, to not have contact with him, because, I just feel sick form all this. When he goes to counseling ,they always telling him, ''why dont' you go to mom and dad for help.? They telling him to ask for family support. When I go to my counselor they say, ''dont support him anymore.'' That is where I get so confused. It is very damaging. But , I just can't do it, so I have to listen to my body. Thanks again!
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reader, serenity80  +, writes (31 December 2010):
I think that's good advice from Jilly you write "he is just blaming, and looking for mistakes outside of him" and I think this is key: he needs to reach a point where he takes responsibility for his own life and the situation he has put himself in. Nobody is going to be able to make him see this, it is something he is going to have to find himself. Love him and support him as much as you can, but don't do it at the expense of the rest of your family if they are going to suffer. Sometimes actually putting some distance between the family and him, but ensuring him you'll love him no matter what happens, may be a good thing. Some people need to hit rock bottom before they realise that they need to stop their own destructive behaviour and take responsibility for their life. I think you need to accept that this situation may not improve for many years, if not decades. Be consistent with your love for him, but that doesn't mean at the expense of your own health and well being. Hopefully one day he will grow up and look to improve himself and his family relationships. Have faith and strength that you have done the best you can and have hope that his life path will change before there are any more severe consequences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Oh how very difficult for you, and your family. I have seen situations like this before in my work, although that is not my field of expertise, but what I do know from experience and professionally, no end of support groups, family, friends or guidance will HELP your son, as the real problems stems from HIM NOT taking responsibility for his own life, and facing up to his drug addiction.
The proof of this, is the last seven years of YOUR help and guidance, forgiving him, taking him back, supporting him, jeopardising your own emotional and physical well-being, along with your other children - for someone who does NOT want to change, who does NOT want to look at himself, but others to blame for his situation.
Drug addicts, alcoholics, at at the other end of self-destructive behaviour - obesity, ALL has to be recognised FIRST by the sufferer as a problem, before any path can be taken to attempt to normalise their lives.
You can take a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, and old saying, none the less, very true! Your son has to be the one to want to change, I'm sorry, and from what you say, he does not, sadly some people don't ever see the light and
go on to self-destruct further, and as this is something long-standing since very early childhood, this may well be the case.
May be with you taking him back over and over again, to prevent him from going through jail, is allowing him NOT see the full extent of his problems. I know it's tough, I'm a mother too, but sometimes you have to be very tough, logical, pragmatic to bring about change, you have tried the softly, softly approach, by taking him back to the cradle, looking after him, letting him hit out emotionally to you, but as yet, you not made him face the reality of his actions. And I'm afraid in life, we all have to take responsibility at some point for own actions, as that is the way we take control of our own lives, and not blame others.
I hope this has given you something to think about. Gosh, it's a dreadful situation for you, I feel for you, but up till now, and seven years later, he is still the same, if not worse, so may be time to curb your protective instincts and let him experience the FULL consequences of his actions.
Take care.
Jilly
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reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 This is indeed a sad situation. A mother torn inside trying to save her family.The truth is noone can help! Help begins within the person, it has to start there. The child must want / desire to come clean before anyone can begin to help. This also means admitting to all the crime. He has to STOP being in denial. Drug addicts are no longer innocent children, they are lost / controlled by the drug, The mind set altered. They will betray everyone and do anything to survive, to get the next fix or to stay out of jail,..this wont end-it will go on for years or until he is killed or overdoses. If only they realised going to rehab and sticking to a programme is thier only escape for the hell they live in and the hell they bring upon thier families. My mother is 75 now and still lives in fear constantly,She is alone because we all left as soon as we were old enough to get the hell out of there. No matter how she spent all those years protecting, blaming the police, blaming the doctors, blaming the church, blaming herself, watching her son inject himself, trying to kill himself - going in and out of detox or rehabs - stealing off family, friends, lying, she still loves that little boy of hers. But she done herself nor him any favours really. My opinion is this - STOP protecting him- STOP allowing the safe haven- he has to learn the hard way to take responsibility for his actions. Tough love!! You will have to be so strong but you have other children to protect and keep safe. Close the door to him and change the locks. Tell him No More!!!!!! This must stop. Choose the rest of your family--- he has to be rehabilitated or go to jail - these are his choices! allowing him to stay with the family in his state is wrong! it is not fair on the others. If he wants to come clean take him to a detox centre and the rest will follow. Good luck.
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reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 There are support groups for the families of addicts.
That is where I think you will find the support and guidance you are seeking.
This will help you deal with your own issues regarding this situation with your son, and your role to separate being supportive and being an enabler of the situation.
Until your son takes full responsibility for the choices he is making in his life, this situation will not change, other than get worse.
I wish you lots of strength for the coming year.
-Frank
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I feel for you - you are in a situation no parent would want to find themselves. I have read a number of stories such as yours. Either way you go about it, you don't achieve a solution that pleases everyone. Helping him doesn't work, tough love is another approach parents take, which can work sometimes but there are no guarrantees. As he is not only destroying himself, but you and your family I think the 'tough love' option is your only root. He is 27. At some stage you have to be able to say he is an adult and has to face up to his problems without dragging everyone into the mire. You are his mother and as long as he knows you still love him but not what he's become, and that you can help him no longer and that your door is open only when he can sort his life out. Easily said I know, but it has worked for other people, difficult as it is to do. Good luck
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reader, Mjfbla  +, writes (31 December 2010):
 Stop giving him ways out such as avoiding jail by house arrest. Force him into rehab. If you cant do that...then maybe you should just end contact. He seems to do more harm then good. And that doesnt make you a bad mother.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): I know what your going through. I have three grown children and lost two of them to drugs and alcohol.Thank God their not dead but they will be if they continue down the wrong path they've taken. They both were raised in a loving home . They were good kids until they hit their teens years and its been down hill ever since. I've spent my life's saving , my youngest daughter and I have done without trying to get help for them to no avail. They have put our family through so much.My mom gave my son everything she had work so hard for all her life. She gave him her home,furniture and two nice cars when she died. Anything she had he got. He lived there for several years, he ended up losing his good job because of his drug & alcohol problem. I ended up having to pay all of his utilities and buying his groceries.He's always in trouble with the law. I've paid so much money on lawyers and fines for him. I've done everything I can to try & help him & his sister, but nothing changes them. Our holidays have been ruined by them for the past 10 years. My son is now homeless & living on the streets in a big city. I've cried till I've made myself sick worrying over them. I've western union him money so he can eat & get a motel room.He calls wanting to come stay for a few days.My fiance & I let him stay with us for awhile. He would'nt do nothing but lay around eating, watching tv all night long, sleep all day. He could'nt find a job cause he lost his license a year earlier. I could'nt trust him enough to drive my car.He's took my car while I was asleep before and came home drunk. I'm almost fifty years old and my fiance is fifty six, We just want to live what little life we have left in peace and be able to enjoy our lives with our children & grand babies. My daughter thats on drugs steals us blind.She's got lots of problems too. I've helped her with rent ,groceries,babysit for her, taken her to appointments, bought clothes for them, paid her utility bills for her. I went to classes for families who have drug & alcohol dependent children.Its helped me to stop beating myself up & being miserable.I've learned I enabled my children by helping them so much that they won't help themselves.I did'nt raise them to turned out the way they did.Their bad choices and decisions put them where there at now in their lives.Only God & themselves can change their lives.They've got to help themselves before anyone or thing can help them.I can't let them come into my home or life any more until they completely straighten up. We don't feel safe around them any more. We don't live like they live and can't handle seeing them in the shape their in. My advice is tell him to stop looking to blame you and others for the problems he's created for his own life. You can tell him to take his house arrest and go somewhere else. He'll either find another place or do jail time. You can't fix him ,only God and your son can do that.There's free clinics that can access your sons condition and give him meds to treat his illness. My son's already been and is doing a lot better now. God Bless You & Your family. I hope the New Year will be better for us all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): Your son NEEDS to get into some sort of program. You said you have tried mental health solutions, but what about addiction solutions? Rehabs are great if you can afford it. If not try working with the PO to get to some AA/NA Meetings, which are free and EXTREMELY helpful to millions of people of all ages. You yourself can actually get free help as well in NarAnon, which is a support group for family members of addicts. GOod Luck.
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