A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Several years ago my husband and I purchased a 2 bedroom apartment by the sea to use as a holiday home.We let our family and friends use it too when we don’t and we don’t charge them anything - they are responsible for buying their own food and cleaning the apartment before they leave- everyone is made aware of this. Now 2 weeks ago my sisters in laws (her husbands parents) used the place with their 2 friends for a week. My husband and I then went to use it after them and when we arrived we couldn’t believe the state in how we found it.The bins were all full in the house, no garbage had been taken out. There was dirty plates and glasses in the sink. The bed sheets had been taken off and dumped on the floor as were the towels (we have a washing machine and the guests must was the sheets and towels before they leave, we have instructions in visible view on how to use the machine). There was moldy food in the fridge and a plant had been knocked over in the living room which left soil all over the carpet. The shower had hair in the drain and the sink was blocked. My husband and I had a 4 hour drive to get there and we had to clean up the mess.I took a video and pictures of the apartment- of how messy and dirty it was and sent them to my sister. I told her she needs to have a word with her in laws about how they left the place! My sister was reluctant to say anything as she didn’t want to make things awkward.I told her I’d happily speak to them on her behalf as they left the apartment in an awful mess. She told me no and to just leave it.I then told my sister that under no circumstances are her in laws allowed to ever use our apartment again, which of course upset her and she told me I wasn’t being fair.Her in laws have been there a couple of times before but my husband and I have never been in after them (only my sister and her husband with their kids have been in after them). I asked my sister if they have ever found the apartment in a mess before and she said “no”. Now I have no idea is this is true or not as my sister worships the ground her inlaws walk on.Am I being unfair not to want them in my apartment again? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2021): I agree the people using your property seem slovenly and rather selfish by normal standards.However, the response you want to give seems very extreme, and there also doesn't seem to have been any direct communication prior to this, between you and them? Can't you simply talk this through as mature adults, rather than reacting immaturely and saying "never again" and "guests must" (do exactly as you say. There may well be some reasonable explanation. You seem like someone who likes playing the generous person and having something to use as power over people, but that all seems to crumble as soon as things get out of your direct control - maybe you're not really as kind and generous as you seem? What you are suggesting is only going to further divide families, rather than getting everyone to work as a team. Who knows, maybe they did leave the place like that because they suspect you're actually a bit mean underneath - you have a second home so you've made sure you are okay, but what does everyone else around you have?Your sister doesn't seem to want you to be involved because she's afraid of your extreme anger and extreme standards, and things being your way or the high way.They are your sister's in laws, so don't you think they deserve a chance to explain? And to not leave the place in a tip again? If only to help to keep peace between your sister and them - after all, she has to see them far more than you. You can assert exactly the same standards in a nice, positive and encouraging way that is going to want those around you to actually work as a team with you, or insist on those same standards in a childish, reactionary way that only encourages people to despise and disobey you, and divide them from one another.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2021): Completely fair to not let them use it. You are fully justified saying no to them and to your sister and to anyone for any reason - it's your home, you decide who gets to stay there.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2021): I would just like to add that what you said for your in-laws to your sister I actually had to say TO MY SISTER.
After DECADES of BS on her part I just couldn't take it anymore. And I had kept telling her in a nice was over and over again. She would either apologize or get irritated or both, but she would always continue to do what she wants, because she had no respect for me.
After one more Xmas in our house and her wanting to be treated like a royal guest AND the mess she had left behind - she had left a couple of used sanitary napkins under the bed in the room she used!!!! - my gut told me NEVER AGAIN.
And 3 years later I am still true to my word.
It is not a punishment. It's just a healthy, rational attitude.
We have to decide how the people around us will treat us. I should have reacted sooner and not just talk to my sister hoping she would do the right thing. She's always tested my boundaries. It is soooo exhausting.
You sister should back you up on this, no matter how pleasant it is. It's your apartment and you are under NO obligation to share it with anyone! You are doing them a favor!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): Tell your sister's husband.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): People get jealous and believe that you are luckier than them. They then do what they can to balance out the scales so that you are less lucky - i.e. leaving your place trashed / leaving you with a lot of boring menial work. It makes them feel better. They see you as being wealthy so they want you to suffer and struggle and spend so that they feel they have more and you have less. You were far too generous with these people.
I worked very hard to be able to buy a nice big house. It's enormous. And wonderful. It took me years of working hard, plus going without nights out, drinking, holidays and all the rest to be able to do it. What do I get now? I get strangers - total strangers - knock on the door and say to me in all seriousness that they believe it is wrong that a woman living on her own lives in such an enormous house and I should sell it and move into a much smaller place!! Or I get total strangers asking me where I got the money to buy this place - was it from an inheritance, parents dying, an ex husband or working as a prostitute!!!??? How insulting.
Judging me by their own low standards.
People who take it for granted they can stay in your place and leave it in a mess are those sort of people. And people who do not want to fall out with them will turn the blame on you if you make a fuss. You are the odd one out because you have more than them so they side with each other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): We have a second place by the sea and we would not let strangers stay there at any price. We have allowed certain members of the family to stay there free or charge if they take care of the place. We worked hard to buy the place and we pay to keep it nice, we are not suckers. I have convinced my hubby that it makes more sense to let it out to people who pay from now on and that is what we do. That way what people pay contributes to the costs in between when we use it. You need to deal with anything to do with money in a business like firm way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): You had no choice. They've lost their privileges. No further drama or argument is necessary. They took advantage of your kindness, and behaved like they were entitled.
Sometimes we spoil people with kindness. Sometimes people will find subtle ways to play-out their envy. Maybe they resent your having something they don't; so they'll do evil, and pretend they don't understand why you're upset. That's gaslighting in my book! In fact, they're delighted to know they've stuck it to you.
Leave it alone. Don't extend the favor without charging them to lease the place. They've proven they can't be trusted, and their attitude about it stinks.
If she doesn't want to talk about it, you are forced to withdraw the privilege, with no further discussion. You're not the one at fault. You and your husband are the ones who have been affronted. Don't allow her to flip the script about it. Love her from a distance. Forgive them, but never extend the privilege without a signed-agreement and a deposit.
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A
female
reader, i can help +, writes (29 September 2021):
'bro ok listen if u let them into the apartment again that literally means that you are ok with them walking all over you wouldd you like that?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (29 September 2021):
 As you are allowing family and friends to use the apartment free of charge, covering the running costs yourself (utilities, rates and insurance), the least you should be able to expect is that people treat it with respect and leave it as they would expect to find it.
Are your sister's in-laws usually slovenly and dirty? Have you seen their home? I am in no way making excuses for them but, if their home is in the same state as they left the apartment, perhaps they just don't see the mess (some people don't). Not that that would excuse what they did (or failed to do) but it might explain why your sister is reluctant to confront them.
Like you, I suspect this is not the first time they have done this and that, on previous occasions, your sister has simply cleaned up after them. I was going to suggest that you tell her that, if her in-laws want to use it again, SHE needs to go in after them and ensure it is left as it should be. However, having thought about it a little more, I feel the very least they can do is show respect to someone whose apartment they are using free of charge.
So no, you are not being "unfair". They are your sister's in-laws, not yours. It was very good of you to allow them to stay in YOUR apartment. They are not YOUR family (or friends, I assume). If she wants them to enjoy a holiday home free of charge, tell her to buy one of her own. Problem solved.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (29 September 2021):
 Absolutely not, i don't think that you are being unfair in the slightest. If it was me i would not want them back either.
I can't believe that they left in such a state, what on earth was they thinking, this is out of order, and rude.
When you know you are staying in someone else's place you do your best to make sure you left if how you found it, or even leave a thank you note for letting you use their place.
I can't believe that they have done this to you, it sounds like you let it out to a bunch of monkey's, actually you may have found it in a better state had it been monkeys.
You had a four hour drive, then probably spent the next four clearing up.
Put this down to experience and never have them there again, and also tell them how angry you are over this and that they will never be going back.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 September 2021):
 Am I being unfair not to want them in my apartment again?
Nope. Not at all!
I get that your sister doesn't want to rock the boat with her inlaws BUT IF they EVER ask to use it again, she can refer to you and YOU can tell them no way, never ever. and IF your sister is too much of a doormat to tell them why, then she can always tell them that the holiday home is rented out or lend out to other people.
I might also consider sending them a bill for the cleaning up. Can add pictures with the bill. Jeeeez imagine how horrible the smell could have been if you guys hadn't come when you did?
This is unacceptable! Now if this was an AirB&B where you PAY to stay (which means someone gets PAID to clean after) maybe the state of the place wouldn't have been so bad (even though I would personally NEVER leave a hotel/rented room in a state) but this IS your place! You and your husband are NOT their maids! And they are definitely OLD enough to know better.
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