A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Names have been changed here to protect identities.I've been married to my wife Tarnya for 8 years now, we've been together since 2007.The main problem here is an issue concerning my dad.I confronted him over rumors that he'd been having an affair with Tarnya's sister Ann-Marie, and he didn't deny it; he said "Yes, it's true... I did it as Mom's obese, drunk, obsessive, Ann-Marie's none of those things. I'm gonna get married to her soon, we'll have a kid, Ann-Marie wants a kid with me. We've been dating since August 2016 in secret.".But Mom is not obese or drunk, she's still very into fitness, and she's kind, not obsessive or controlling.Tarnya has five sisters, Ann-Marie is the youngest; Tarnya is from a large family.I asked my wife what she thought of it and she felt upset and angry, plus embarrassed.Am I wrong to be angry about my dad's plan to marry her, won't this make my sister-in-law my stepmom too, and as for their future kid, won't that fuck up the relationships on the family tree too and on both sides?Will there be the problem of families picking sides etc.?Me and Tarnya feel horrified and upset, but equally, she doesn't want to lose her relationship with her sister; her other sisters are horrified and embarrassed, Tarnya's iPhone kept pinging constantly.What should or can we do about this situation and what do you think the future would be like?Am I wrong to think that the future kid, if they have one, will be bullied for having a dad who looks like grandpa and can't play soccer?Isn't this a huge betrayal at worst?Me and my wife don't know what to do for the best, this is our relationship's biggest conflict so far; most conflicts we've had have been over silly, mundane things, not the big issues or big-picture issues until this one came along.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2021): Tell your mom....she deserves to know.Personally if it were me I would cut the dad and sister in law out of my life forever and help your mom.Be there for her emotionally and financially.Help her get a lawyer.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (1 October 2021):
 So your father and sister-in-law have been secretly dating for 5 years but he still hasn't left your mother? I have to wonder whether he ever will actually leave your mother, or whether he will just keep stringing his mistress along as long as it suits him to have a bit on the side. The reason I say this is because, in my experience, people who actually intend leaving their spouses usually do it fairly quickly after meeting someone new. The ones who keep up a secret affair for years tend to eventually end the affair, as the "magic" wears off, and stay with the spouse. They will have all sorts of reasons why they can't leave the spouse (finances, children too young, etc) but, at the end of the day, the outcome will be the same: they will not leave.
I am not saying your father is definitely in this category but I can't help but wonder, given how long the affair has already been going on.
The other thing which frequently happens is that, once the cheating spouse moves in with the person with whom they were having an affair, the excitement of the illicit affair wears off pretty quickly and they decide they want to return to the spouse. The grass is not always greener.
Your sister in law will probably never trust your father completely. The old saying about "get them by cheating, lose them to cheating" will prey on her mind and she will never be sure what he is up to. Eventually she will become "obsessive" too (just like your father says your mother is) If he could hide a 5 year affair from your mother, he can certainly hide one from your sister in law if the opportunity presents itself again.
I think your priority needs to be to support your mother IF your father decides to go through with this. That should be your first priority. You can't control what other adults choose to do, difficult as it is to stand back and watch them hurt someone you love.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): If your age group is 36-40 so your father must be in his 70s. How young is your wife's youngest sister? The age difference between them must be 40-50 yrs. I don't think your father can have children at his age. Your wife and her other sisters should warn their youngest sister the folly of her action.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2021): Your father and your sister-in-law are consenting adults. You can all gang-up to ostracize them, and shame them all you want; but they're going to do whatever it is they plan to do. They don't deny their affair, and it is apparent your father wants to leave your mother. Considering what he said he wants to do, I think this is more your mother's concern than yours. You're not a child; so this doesn't affect you as it would, if you had no understanding of what's going-on here.
You have a right to express all your ire and fury, and you can totally disown your father; but it will probably have very little effect on the final-outcome of this situation. He said some pretty awful things about your mother; and if I were in your shoes, I'd want that man as far-away from my mother as possible!
If your father can be so unapologetic and calloused, don't you think it's best that he did leave your mother?
I can understand your anger and frustration; but there is really nothing you can do about it. Just direct your energies toward being supportive and protective of your mother. There's no telling what she may have privately suffered through the years with him up until now. She knows what you don't know!
If all this comes as a surprise to you, it is quite apparent your mother has done all she could to shield you from knowing the kind of man he is. If you've known him as a cruel and willful man all your life; this should come as no surprise to you.
If your father has it in him to treat your mother in such a way, Ann-Marie will soon enough learn what kind of man he truly is. If he can be so cruel to his present wife; he will likely be the same to any other woman he's with. He's feeling emboldened and brazen at the moment; because he's on the defensive and on a mission. He wants what he wants, and he'll defy anyone to get it.
They deserve each-other. Take care of your mother, and work to keep the peace and order in your family. Those two will both reap what they sow. The happiness they think they'll find is unlikely. He can't just treat someone like he treated your mother, and think he's going to find happiness in the end. Ann-Marie has eyes and a brain. She is also a witness to the way he's treating your mother. She will never really trust him; and she will always wonder if, or when, he will turn on her in the same way. The devil is pulling the strings; therefore, there will be no happy ending.
I know you want to retaliate or punish him in someway; but it won't make him love or treat your mother any better. It won't undo what harm has already been done. If you want no more to do with him, or Ann-Marie; that's up to you, your wife, and her other sisters. They both knew this would be the reaction they would receive; and they were prepared for it.
Let them have each-other, and leave their fate and final judgement in God's hands. If your father truly feels the way he does towards your mother; I think she's better-off without him.
If putting distance between you and your father will keep the peace, that's what you should do. Going out of your way to punish either of them will not undo the fact he left your mother for your sister-in-law. You can do your best to break them up; but the fact remains that they had an affair, and he has spoken terribly of your mother. He has already seriously hurt her; and wanting him back after all this may not be in her best interest.
Your mother will divorce him, get whatever assets or property she's due by law; and she will get-on with her life. Concentrate all your time and love on her; rather than hatred and anger towards your father. Make every effort to be nothing like your father; and show your wife all the love and respect she deserves.
Keep your cool. Don't let your father turn your family into one of those horrid day-time tabloid TV talk-shows full of crass people behaving badly.
Try to contain your disgust and rage; because such audacity like your father has shown often causes a lot of discord to ripple throughout the entire family.
Let them be, and do your best to keep the rest of your family together. Let love and goodwill prevail among you. You'll eventually have to forgive them, and move on; but you don't have to keep either of them in your lives.
You can't decide for your wife and her sisters what they will do about Ann-Marie. You will have to stay neutral about that; although it won't be easy. Be a better man than your father. He has set the kind of example you clearly do not want to follow!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 September 2021):
 Isn't this a huge betrayal at worst?
The one who is ACTUALLY being betrayed is your mom. YOUR mom. Not you. Or your wife. Has anyone told your mom?
While I get the total cringe and I would be grossed out with my father be a cheater (mine was and I still resent him for hurting my mom) - this is about your mom and dad's marriage.
Maybe this is what your MOM needs. To be set free from this lousy husband and cheater. So SHE can go live her best life with the support of her kids.
I'd probably just cut him and Ann-Marie off. Then you don't have to worry about the family tree or anything "embarrassing" like that. Because they will no longer BE family.
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