A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! My younger sister recently found out that her husband and her best friend have been having an affair. My sister and her husband have 2 young children. Her husband wants her and the children back and the woman he was sleeping with said it was 'just for fun' and doesn't want to be with him permanently and neither does he particularly want to be with her so it seems they were just having gratuitous sex, until they got caught!My sister has been staying with me and my husband for a few weeks and is planning to get her own place and not go back to her husband at all. She was really upset a first, a few weeks ago and now she seems happier and says she is enjoying the single life, partying and flirting with guys etc .. She is 33 and a very nice person and is pretty too. I worry about my niece and nephew and our mother suggested my sister and her husband go to counselling and see if there is any way they can sort this out. He really wants her back but she says no way and she's started divorce proceedings.I think deep down she must be still really hurt as it's only quite recent and they had been together for 12 years. I can see my mother and sister's point and I'm not sure what to advice. Also my little nephew, although overall ok, is very very upset about all this and wants his mum and dad back together in the family house again etc etc ..I'm not sure what to advise, what to say to my nephew. If I encourage my sister to talk to her husband and then it all goes wrong it might cause her more pain. Is she doing the right thing in just dumping him completely or would it be worth suggesting she tries counselling.It seems like this 'affair' was just sex, with no intentions of anyone leaving anyone or breaking up a family etc ... but my sister says it is treacherous because her husband and her best friend, in her opinion, is way worse than her husband and a strange woman, although the thought of her husband going with anyone else upsets her obviously. As they are staying with me, I feel kind of responsible for giving the right support and help and I don't want to over interfere, I don't want to make things worse etc etc ... It has upset the whole family that this has happened. My brother in law is basically an ok guy, he works hard, loves his kids and he does love my sister but I think he just made a stupid immature mistake ... he can be a bit childish and silly at times ... I'm not defending him I think he was totally wrong but equally I wonder if there is any way back from this for them as a family?? My husband agrees with my sister and thinks divorce is the best option. I know my sister well and she is a strong person but I know deep down underneath it all she is still really hurt.Any advice or suggestions would be welcomed. Thank you. Liz, London
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affair, best friend, divorce, flirt, immature Reply to this Question
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female
reader, raindrop  +, writes (25 August 2009):
My husband cheated on me a year ago with my sister and my sister-inlaw!!!!!!!!!! After 12 years of marriage and 3 children. He had always been a good husband and father. I was shocked when he confessed their betrayl. I did try with best intentions to forgive and have been living a tormented life ever since. He didn't sleep with just anyone...it was her best friend. You should be happy she is moving on but watch out that she in not masking her pain in partying and end up self destructing. I ended up in jail after my anger took hold and i realized i could not get past it. This has changed me to my core. I use to trust people now I know most people are selfish to the core. They don't realize in one selfish moment they can destroy someone they claim to love. She is lucky it wasn't you he cheated with. You are a good sister help her move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): Put yourself in her shoes for a moment. Just imagine what it feels like to know, really know, that your husband the father of your children, your soul mate, had sex with your closest friend. Think of all the the secrets your bf knows. All you insecurities, all your faults, all your wants and beliefs. She gives her body to the man you love. The man whom you love so much, you would never even consider giving yourself to anyone else. Now picture this. You are HOME watching your and his kids while this BF is doing who knows what with him but just for fun. No pun intended. Seriously. You want her to forgive him? Read this, add feel free to add to it anytime you think she should.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): your sister is better off without her hb. just because he was only having sex with her best friend, doesn't make it right. i know you want to do the right thing here, but just reading your post, i am inclined to think that you want her to go back to her cheating hb - just for him to do it again to her. cheaters do not change, they just make more excuses, and shift blame. two people closest to her have cheated her, please encourage her to find herself. i think she can survive without him. tell your good brother in law that his actions have consequences. you seem to be condoning his affair, why? i think you are wrong when you say he loves your sister, if he did he would have kept it in his pans, not "doing" his wifes best friend. he did not make a stupid immature mistake - he betrayed your sister, lied to her and that was not stupid and immature. i think you are trying to hard to be fair, maybe put yourself in your sisters shoes. i am not juding you, just saying that in your attempot to seem fair, you have removed all emitons. your sister needs your support. so please support her. and listen to your hbswords. it has merit. one poster said we are too hard on the cheater- but please, what do you want us to do, condone his actions and say right on. no way, your good brother in law has dealt your sister the ultimate betrayl. please see the seriousness of this affair and the consequences thereof. your sister needs a faithful man, please do not "force" her back to the cheating, scheming, lying husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I would never be able to get over that behaviour from the two people I trusted. I know others that have but it still bubbles away under the surface nothing is ever right again. I would simply support your sister in making her own decision and if that is divorce then yes she should go for it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009): I think the first two posters are being a bit hard on the husband. We all have feet of clay. Who knows why the husband needed an affair to cope with his marriage.I read Why Do Good People Have Affairs and recommend it to you as you are seeking help on behalf of you sister.http://www.amazon.com/When-Good-People-Have-Affairs/dp/0312378475Cheers.
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A
male
reader, wherestheinstructions? +, writes (22 July 2009):
No, there is no way back from this because it isn't really about sex, it's about betrayal by the two people she should have been able to trust the most.
It would have continued had they not been caught, so he's not doing himself any favours by asking for her back or saying it was just for fun.
As for the children, it's difficult, but I think that a happy home with one parent is better than an unhappy home with two.
You'll just have to tell the children that sometimes grown-ups have problems that can't be fixed, so they have to live apart. Make sure the children realise that they have done nothing wrong and that both parents still love them.
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A
male
reader, S-Breeze13 +, writes (22 July 2009):
Your sister doesn't need a dog like this. She can do much better. She needs a new start in life without her soon to be ex and her best friend. Divorce is the best option because there is no way that the relationship will have trust because of what this guy did.
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