A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is really irritating me. He doesn't seem to try in our relationship. Today, he knew I was being weird on him and he knew why. He said he didn't think I was in the mood for kisses. Could he not try? Could he not try and cheer me up. Tell me he loves me, etc? He only kept saying, don't be like this. You're down and unhappy. Then he went to bed and said I hope it's all okay tomorrow. I told him it wouldn't be okay if he didn't kiss me. He gave me lots of kisses but he didn't say I love you. It's not the first time. I always compliment him, tell him why I love him, how much, what I think. He doesn't and if he does it's after I say it. If he's upset, he closes up and makes me do all the work. And he makes it look like it's all my fault. He does not try in our relationship. I get mad and he gets mad because I nip at him. A friend of mine told me to be less available, less lovable. Not give him kisses if he doesn't do it. Not say I love you if he doesn't. That it's his problem if he gets angry. That I'll get what I want. But I keep thinking, what if I get a break-up? That's not what I want. He's a difficult man. Yet, when he's jealous, I explain to him everything in full detail until I know he's better and make sure he knows I want only him. He doesn't do that, he just gets angry at me a deflects.
View related questions:
a break, I love you, in the mood, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 August 2011):
 I think you are both sending each other mixed messages. In all fairness, you did tell him it would be ok if he did not kiss you. Then he kissed you and you complain that he didnt say "I love you" and try to cheer you up.
He comments that you are unhappy. You note that you were being "all wierd on him".
Men and Women generally to not approach conflict the same way. Stop expecting him to approach you like one of your gfs would. If you need cheering up, take ownership of that and stop expecting your bf to make it ok.
I have found that when most men are upset about something, they are like a grumpy bear that goes into a cave to stew it over until they feel better. Would you go into the cave of a grumpy bear and insist they come out right that minute and just get over it? You WILL get smacked down if you niavely enter that cave. He gets mad if you nip at him?
Hint:STOP NIPPING. Let him process out his own mood. Take a clue that since that is how he deals with his own stuff, deep down he might think that is how you should deal with your own mood.
If you need to vent it out-save it for your Mom, a sister, best friend to get your thoughts and emotions out.
Do not rely on his words as proof of his feelings. Rely on his actions.
Learn to "fight fair" when conflicts come up. If you come into a discussion in a bad mood, you will lose focus on the real issues of the conflict.
No yelling, no name calling, no badgering, no belittling, no physical intimidation, etc. If you can not discuss an issue maturely and calmly..go COOL OFF until you can face it objectively.
Good Luck.
A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Why do you stay with him if he doesn't make you happy? I would imagine he's not the type to try and draw it out of someone what is wrong with them and probably feels it's not his responsibility to make you feel happy by kissing and paying attention to you. It sounds like he is of the opinion that your mood is your business and nothing to do with him. Why don't you try responding to him the in the same way as he does when he is grumpy.
...............................
A
female
reader, silenced +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Guys are guys. And it doesn't seem like he's completely not trying. You told him that it wouldn't be better if he doesn't kiss you, and he gave you kisses...exactly what you asked for. He didn't say 'I love you' though, but you didn't ask for it. He seems like the kind of guy to be lost on what to do unless you tell him, which is a lot of guys.
Maybe when you get mad or are down, he thinks you want space with the way you're acting. If you want him to be around you, hold you, or if there's anything he can do to make you feel better, then tell him. You can't expect him to know exactly what makes you feel better no matter how long you two have been together.
You seem to have a communication problem. He does too. You don't say what you want, and he assumes you should know how he feels. Talk this out with him. Tell him what you want, and have him tell you what he wants when times like this come up or when jealousy happens. Try and work things out. As it seems from this tidbit, it looks like he'll try.
...............................
|
