A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been really depressed recently. I've had bad anxiety for years and it's really starting to get me down. I used to have times when it would come and go but now it's a constant. I've made a lot of changes like eating hwalthy, not drinking, sleeping properly, getting outside, getting enough excercise and I'm on the waiting list to go back to therapy. Last week I spoke to my sister on the phone as she called (I'm 32 and she's 38) I started crying and said I had been feeling really down lately. Something that I don't normally burden anyone with but I couldn't keep it in that day. I keep it cheerful usually but people are aware that I have anxiety. So her reaction was "I know I sound like a cow but you need to buck up. Everyone has problems" I said I know but I was feeling lower than normal. She then said "I know I'm going to sound like a bitch but just get on with it" she said she could tell I've been depressed so she hasn't been calling me lately because she doesn't feel like talking when I'm down. We live a distance away from each other so we don't see each other often - once or twice a year - so we mostly talk on the phone. She hasn't spoke to me in over a week now as she has a week off and said she was going to try and enjoy it. I didn't even talk about it in any detail other than say I was down. She always says weird thing like the I know I'm going to sound like a bitch, her favourite sentence before saying something offensive is "I'm not being funny but" and I think oh here we go time to brace myself for something that's going to make me cry. I feel hurt that she's ignoring me because of it and making me feel worse about it. Whenever she is down I talk for hours and I have always said if she ever needs me I'm here. I've cried when she's cried. I feel such an imbalance. It's made me angry. If I'm really happy and tell her really good news she usually ignores my messages or if I get a response its always "I'm at work Hun" and then it's forgotten about. But if I'm down or something crap has happened it's "oh my god grow up". I'm actually tired of it. I get ignored if I do good but if I don't feel good I get attacked. She's very selfish. Her whole life is based on possessions and things and she constantly brags about money and how much makes. I don't say anything because I don't like confrontation but she doesn't think twice about hurting my feelings. I'm not sure how to handle this situation as she's very vindictive. She's always telling me I need to do this or that or she "won't talk to me" or she will "fall out with me". lt's like she uses it as leverage or a bargaining point. When I talk about my plans and goals she almost laughs them off as if they're stupid and then Junps down my throat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 February 2020): I've experienced this but much more extreme with my younger sister and my elder sister - I'm a middle sister and both of them in very different ways have basically bled me dry in terms of the amount of support and attention they have wanted from me over the years whilst giving absolutely nothing - zero - in return and, worse, I think indirectly emotionally abusing my daughter by never once sending her a birthday or Xmas card or present, never once offering to take her out anywhere or do anything remotely 'aunt' like. In fact, although I married, had my daughter, divorced at a very young age, it's as if they have a complete and utter blank about the fact I've been a single parent with n o - I mean absolutely no - support from my ex-husband, and no family support either.Over the years my elder sister who is very mentally ill and was violent when I was growing up with her - and I mean really violent, to the point of the police being called routinely to our house and me living in fear throughout my teens - has bombarded me with letters that don't make any sense but are obviously raging with anger at the world, called me at all times of day and night absolutely raging to an extreme without even drawing breath and expected me to soothe her and calm her until she can talk even remotely rationally, turned up at my home completely unexpectedly, sometimes having physically fought with random people on the journey (I moved far away from her) and just expected me to 'mother' her for entire long weekends even though I've been full time working and raising my daughter, at other times she's done this with random men - the kind of men you'd not touch with even the longest barge-pole in the world. She's accepted all my home cooked meals, countless baths, free bed for numerous nights - effectively free holidays at my place, she's accepted lovely events and places I've taken her to when I've put my daughter and my own life on hold when she's turned up. She's accepted me travelling miles at the weekend, having had to arrange child care to see her, to clean her filthy flat and decorate it, she's accepted countless hours of me writing numerous letters to her social and care workers to try to help her in an awful situation. I've accepted all of this inequality because she's mentally ill but, when I became ill with stress, I did not speak to her for seven years. During that time she constantly messaged my ex partner, showing absolutely no concern at all for me, just saying things like "I need her to come and sort out my garden".My younger sister is not classed as mentally ill but I believe is a psychopath. She is a multi-millionaires now, and has a knack for manipulating people, especially men, because she is very stereotypically beautiful and learned from a very young age to get maximum sympathy from others whilst being beyond icy cold. I basically brought her up due to my own mother being probably on the autism spectrum and just useless as a mother. She has never once recognised my daughter's existence or how hard I have worked and is constantly competitive. Whilst never acknowledging my daughter in any way, she, too, has expected me to mother her - the visits to the city I live in and lovely weekends all organised by me, but me having to ask a friend to take my daughter for the weekend because she's made it clear she doesn't want my daughter around. Telling me she's bought her friend a pair of trainers for her birthday that "were only £60", without even a flicker of emotion regarding the fact she's never spent a penny on my daughter. I cannot begin to tell you the extent of her manipulation or how she has, single handedly, ruined my reputation within our few remaining family members. Randomly abusing me emotionally, with baseless accusations whilst never taking the time to even start to ask me anything about myself or to get to know me at all, just wanting to be served and entertained and used for emotional support so that she can get ahead. I no longer speak to her and it is doubtful I ever will again.The roots of all of this lie in what I recognise as awful - I mean really awful - parenting. I strongly suggest you discuss this with a counsellor; bad parenting can mean there is underlying sibling rivalry that plays out at surface level. One possibility is that your sister has - at an unconscious level - felt that your anxiety results from their not being enough buoyant love in your family, from your parents and what little there was had to be competed for. Even if she was given more attention than you (like my younger sister was), she may sense that she has to 'keep you in your place' otherwise her sense of entitlement to the slim pickings of love and attention that were available to you both will be lost by her and the unthinkable may happen - that YOU, not she, may end up getting more love and support than she is used to. This is what I figured out with my younger sister - she was completely indulged in ways that were quite obviously illogical / unjust, by my mother in particular, and senses at a level that she just cannot admit to, that the love in our family was almost non-existent. So, she became highly competitive through fear of losing the attention she did get, always ensuring to put others down or manipulate them in order to remain 'top dog'; it's surprisingly common for younger sisters to 'bully upwards' their older sister, so I'm very hesitant to say your elder sister is bullying you; things are never as straightforward as that.None of us can know what has gone on in your family or how your parents have been - but your anxiety suggests you were not taught to process your feelings effectively, and the pattern between you and your sister suggests something like what I've outlined above. A therapist / counsellor can help you unravel all of that. Meanwhile, I'd suggest keep your distance from your sister when she asks for your help.
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (28 February 2020):
 Sadly family members are not ALWAYS there for us. Many - like your sister - seem capable only of ACCEPTING support, not OFFERING any. It may be because she is selfish. It may be because she is very weak. It may be because she just lacks any empathy. Whatever the reason, you cannot change her. This is how she is.
While I understand you want to stay in contact as she is family, sometimes it is less painful to back away. You are obviously a caring person but, if you find that supporting her in her tough times drains you while you get nothing back, you do not HAVE to support her. I know it will be difficult, because, unlike her, YOU naturally care, but sometimes we have to be tough to protect OURSELVES.
I hope you have friends who can offer support when you need it as it doesn't look like your sister is going to be there for you.
Sending hugs. It's true what they say about not being able to pick your family.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2020): I meant to say:
" They have little patience, no manners, and no filters."
"She isn't trying to be a bitch, she's trying to tell you like it is."
"She has to give you fair-warning that what she is about to say will sting a bit."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2020): I am sorry your sister can't be a little more sensitive and empathetic; we live in a modern high-tech society where people seek pleasure and shortcuts. They have little patience, no matters, and no filters. Their main objective is to avoid dealing with the issues and problems of others, and try to be happy 24/7!
I've read posts from people who want to end their marriages or relationships; because they're not happy. I've always wanted to meet somebody in a relationship who's consistently happy! With no problems, challenges, or disagreements! Where they don't have to work at it, and pursue ways to fulfill themselves; and not be dependent on their partners to break their backs coming-up with ways to keep them "happy!" If nothing bad ever happens, how would we ever appreciate when things are good? You cannot live life without reality!
Your sister is not a trained-therapist. If you suffer from clinical-depression, maybe she knows there's really nothing she can do or say that will bring you out of a "funk." She knows it's best you seek professional-care. Everyone has a saturation-point; and I guess you've met her threshold. Try to forgive her. She still loves you. She isn't trying to be bitch, she's trying to tell you like it is. She has to give you fare-warning that what she is about to say will sting a bit. Like when the doctor is about to give you a needle!
You have suffered this affliction for many years; so it has become somewhat your identity. People will start to avoid you; because they know your primary-reason for contact is to dump your sorrows and woes on them. If your struggle has been in your life as long as she has known you, can't you understand her just a little? She is right, she also has to deal with her own daily life-struggles and misfortunes; and it's hard to pull yourself back, only to have someone else come along and pull you down again. You have to remember this. When you are feeling desperate, you may have to call a helpline and talk to someone.
If you do things for people from the heart; you can't always insist you get some form of payback. If you were there for your sister; hopefully, it was out of the love and kindness of your heart. You weren't expecting to cash-in a dividend on an investment of your time and caring were you? If she runs, it's because you represent sorrow and sadness; like an incoming storm. She runs out of comforting things to say; and she ends up being as sad as you are at the end of a conversation. This is almost your regular state of mind; so consider the frequency or lengthy-periods you are suffering from an episode. You said yourself, it's been nearly a lifetime.
You can't just snap out of an episode of depression; and people don't understand that. However, your sister is right to some degree; that sometimes you have to push your way back on your own. Fight with all your might, not to allow yourself to collapse under the weight of your depression. Hopelessness leads to despair and a dark place; and sometimes you have to dig deep to avoid giving-in to it. Even a therapist can't do that for you, no pills can cure it; it's a combination of determination and therapy that allows you to function as best you can. There are some occasions you can just snap out of it. Not every mishap in your life is a dire situation is it?
Being here as aunts and uncles with DC, we read very sad and moving stories everyday; but it takes a very special kind of person to be able to get through the onslaught of problems we read day to day. If you care, you can't totally detach from feeling human-sympathy; but we still have to maintain some measure of objectivity. We sometimes have to give you a little boot to the rear, to shake you up a bit! Helping you to pull yourself together; or out of a self-imposed long-term pity-party. Some people just love being miserable; and it's not just due to their depression. They just have a very cynical and ominous outlook on life. They'll reject and refute every piece of advice we give them; or find some fault or excuse it wouldn't work for them. You have little choice, but to back-off. No sense in pressing the matter any further. Like your sister has to do, from time to time. Most of us are not into telling people what they want to hear; that's not offering advice, that's pandering. I would find it condescending, if I were on the receiving-end of someone speaking down to me like a whining little-kid! Address me as an adult. Be straight with me, as long as you're respectful. I can take it when they're not, and I can hold my own!
Don't expect just anybody to feel for you; they can't deal with your sobbing and moping every-time they hear from you. Even the aunts and uncles take a break; because we also have our lives and careers to return to. We have to remain upbeat for our families, partners, and friends. Sometimes you have to bring good-news and sunshine! Let your sorrows rest, they don't always have to sit stewing in your brain! Distract yourself, and be grateful for your blessings. There's always somebody doing worse, and even your matter could be worse!
Don't be too down on your sister; she has been with you all your life. Hence, she may get a little swamped and overwhelmed. Remember she's living her own life between your calls. She knows when there is little or nothing she can really say or do that will really be effective. She also has a right to tell you get-over yourself...she's your sister! Sometimes that's the best advice she has for you. You come across as giving-up; but she shouldn't be so cold and heartless about it. Then again, she knows you and how you are!
Until you can see a therapist, maybe you should seek some spiritual-comfort and counseling through religious worship. If you haven't worshiped or attended service in a very long-time; sometimes the soul needs food, peace, and spiritual-nourishment. If you believe God is a healer; sometimes that's the very thing missing from your life. What you've avoided, or haven't tried. You can ignore this suggestion, if you're a nonbeliever; but if you are a believer, sometimes the spirit of heaviness can only be removed by His deliverance. Prayer and worship is what keeps me going; and pulls me out of my troubles, when I feel myself losing hope. My faith sustains me! I think some spiritual-uplifting will help you too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2020): It sounds like she struggles with empathy and compassion, and is only interested in conversation when it is about herself. She also sounds controlling and abusive. Unfortunately, you may have to cut her off. You can’t force someone to recognize their behavior as being wrong if they don’t want to see it. You could explain it to them many times in many different ways, and they still won’t “get it.” I’ve been there before. They will instead gaslight you and laugh at you. Nothing is ever their fault. Some people are just not good people. It’s a harsh truth we all have to face sooner or later. I know she’s your sister, so it will be difficult to cut contact completely, because it’s likely you will still see her at holiday gatherings, or other family events. However, keep conversation with her to a minimum. You don’t have to confront her to let her know her disrespectful behavior won’t be tolerated anymore. She will know when you don’t call her or return her calls. You can expect her to try to make you feel guilty over it, or even bad mouth you to other family members. It will be frustrating, but don’t give her the satisfaction of knowing she got under your skin. Ignore her, block her on social media, etc.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2020): I have a similar relationship with my sister. After years of trying and trying I have finally had to accept that we will never be close because she just doesn't want to be. We were close growing up but once we married the bond was very much weakened. Its not because I didn't try but she didn't put forth the effort. My sister ONLY calls me when she is in trouble. She will call me sobbing at 11pm at night and I will talk to her for hours and hours trying to comfort her but then she will go MONTHS without contacting me in any way. We live 2000 miles away from each other so seeing each other is very rare and even when we were in the same city she would cancel on me at the last minute or not show up at all.
It hurts...but eventually you just have to accept that they are that way and they aren't going to change. My sister isn't normally like your sister being mean or dismissive but my sister just plain isn't there for me. I gave up a long time ago hoping she's be there for me
Sorry OP. Some of us just don't get lucky with our families.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2020): Sometimes family are not always supportive .. you can still love her without liking her behaviour or attitude. Ate there any local self help groups that could offer you some extra support until your therapy session start . Your really doing amazing sweetie with all the choices your making reg your health . I think you need to realise your sis isn't there for you as much as you hoped for and reavaluate your position . Draw back don't give her as much as you do of yourself .Depression is like a black rain cloud that follows you around . Even on good days it's there ..you can still feel it ..clinging.. wanting to pour down on you and you use extra energy keeping it at bay . Even if it means wearing a facade for a time .You sound a very lovely girl n sister and I wish I could tell you that..rather than message it .. Sometimes people don't appreciate family as they should. I know it's hard to put yourself out there but making friends or even finding someone to support you through local organisations may help you with anxiety etc . Chin up ... and let us know how your getting on .. hugs
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (27 February 2020):
You know who your sister is. At this stage of your life you have to know that you are not going to change her. But you can change your dynamics. It would be great if the people we love were also the people we can count on for support your sister is not one of these people stop expecting her to be.Surround yourself with people who do support you. Friends, a spouse or partner a mental health support group.I threw the last one in there because you say you suffer from depression and anxiety. I hope you’re being treated for them by a competent professional. He/she can direct to a support group if they think it’s the way to go.Back to your sister. You say you can spend hours on the phone talking to her when she is down. Do you really think that is good for your mental well being. You need to learn to be a little bit selfish if only to take care of your own health.
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