A
female
age
41-50,
*is121
writes:Right, where to start?!My problem is probably one that a great number of people suffer from - for every family with more than one child there is usually a form of rivalry... mine has just gone too far!The fact of the matter is that I am extremely jealous of my older sister. I don't know when it all started, it's probably always been there in varying forms. I remember in my childhood I used to look up to her. She is only two years older than me but used to be my idol. At a very early age it was clear that she would be the beauty of the family. With curly golden hair and huge blue eyes she turned heads as a ten-year old. I could never be accused of being beautiful, not even pretty.... at best I'm average... very average. In our twenties she had looks that could rival any supermodel. Tall, slender and strikingly beautiful she had dates every single day of the week if she wanted to... I didn't go on my first date until I was 24! I know I've been talking about looks quite a bit, granted it's an important factor, but the fact is that my older sister has outdone me in EVERYTHING. She went to a top University and graduated with an undergraduate in Finance and a graduate degree in Law. She went on to work in several top position and found a mentor in a well known business entrepreneur, this man took her under his wing and she skyrocketed to top executive levels before she even turned thirty!Now in our early thirties she has built up a small fortune (enough to pay off a new house for the parent, new cars for the grandparent, paid off all of my school loans and she usually gives both my brother and myself a pretty generous Christmas present every year - usually around $ 20,000) I know what you may be thinking now... She is the woman who has it all but can't find love... You couldn't be more wrong! In her early twenties she meet a handsome English gentleman (in a coffee shop - just to make it that extra bit too perfect). It was a case of him noticing her sitting with her friends having tea and boldly walking over and asking her to join him for dinner the next day. They have been together ever since... Now that may not sound too bad until I describe the man in question...He is English, with a posh British accent, and he's drop dead gorgeous. Every time they go out girls always drool over him because he is quite simply perfect. Before becoming a big-shot in the corporate world he worked as a bodyguard for a number of years. He is sophisticated, charming, manly, extremely handsome and totally devoted to my sister. When they go out he has eyes for no one else but her, never even acknowledging (perhaps never even noticing) the numerous women that try to flirt with him. He is constantly giving her secret smiles, squeezing her knees, holding her bags, fetching her drink/coat/menu, kissing her hands etc. I remember one incident where some arrogant guy tried to grope her, the guy was given two chances to back off and apologise, when he failed to comply he promptly had his front teeth knocked out, was put in an arm-lock and escorted from the venue... When a similar thing happened to me my husband did very little except question why anybody would grope me!!When my sister fell pregnant (all three times) he would dote upon her to no limit. Sometimes cancelling business trips when she was not feeling well and spending a whole summer reading about pregnancy, child labour, baby proofing the house and having secret consultations with the doctor to find out more about postpartum depression - just in case his darling wife would be affected.I realise of course that I have mentioned very little about my sister besides the fact that she's beautiful, wealthy and married prince charming. The fact is that she is as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. She has always been there for me, helping me financially more often than not, she is funny, caring, loving, smart, sassy and an extremely generous person. Try as I might I can't find faults with her... But I still can't stand her!Every time I see her I am reminded of the fact that she has everything and I nothing! How can I help but resent her?What should I do, I don't want to live like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2009): We all have our faults, and though it may seem like your sister is faultless, I'm sure that is not the case. Like other posters have said, you need to focus on you. Don't prove yourself to your sister or anyone else- prove yourself to you first! Do things that make you feel good, so you won’t be so focused on others- get your hair done, get a make-over, get a manicure, etc. Treat yourself to something that will make you feel good and like a star. Then when you feel up to it, try to plan a girl’s day where the two of you can go to lunch, catch a movie or go shopping. Try to talk to her- you can even express your feelings if you're feeling bold enough. You might be really surprised at what you find out- maybe things aren't so perfect with her. Not that you want to find her weaknesses, but just know that nobody is perfect. You are a beautiful person inside and out, so don’t feel that you’re not as good as her!
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (7 September 2009):
 The only way your life is going to improve is if you stop living in the shadow of your sister and begin living for yourself.
So she helps you financially, is always there for you, gives one heck of a Christmas present and from what you say she does this out of love, not because she's gloating. She does
all that she does, raising children, maintaining her marriage, career, and still has time to be there for and love her sister. After all that you repay her with hostile feelings toward her for becoming who she has become. It's like saying "I love you, but I want you to fail." What kind of love would that be?
How much time do you feel you've wasted feeling this way toward her? What really hinders us from becoming who we can ultimately become is envy, and jealousy. Your stopping your personal growth by focusing on feeling bad about what she'd done. She really sounds like an amazing sister.
You need to learn to start treasuring your relationship with her. To begin. I want you to really, fully, forgive yourself for harboring these feelings toward her. Then set up a day for you two to spend together, talk and ask her for forgiveness for being angry for who she's become. A big reason to do this as well is when you get down to talking about this, I bet you'll find she's been jealous of you from time to time and that she's actually had some tough times too. Why wouldn't she tell you? You look up to her, so he's had to live in your vision for you to look up too.
This will improve your relationship with her, as well as opening up a line of communication where she can confide in you when she's having difficulties and you can to with her. This is going to allow you to take control of your sense of self again, and see each other from a view that two sisters should be viewing each other in.
I hope this helps, take care.
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A
female
reader, sugar1973us +, writes (7 September 2009):
I understand what you're going through. I never used to feel jealous of my sister until now. In fact, she used to feel jealous, maybe still does, of me for years. I find it hard now to deal with my older sister having a relationship that she says is so wonderful. I'm still struggling with the feelings. It's a challenge particularly when I'm trying to sort through my own relationship issues. I think that talking to a counselor helps or other people besides dealing with your sister. It might not change her circumstances in your favor, but steering away from her helps you see what good fortune you have in your life. Even if there is something that you want, who is to say that you can't have it for yourself. I dream of a great relationship. I might not have it now and be able to talk about it like my sister, but I can believe that I CAN have it and it will happen in a wonderful way for MYSELF. There are plenty of things my sister isn't enjoying while being in a relationship that I'm enjoying now. I had to actually make a list of all the things so that I could believe what I great things I had going for me in my life. Your sister's life is for her to experience, not you. Deep down, who knows she might feel differently about her life or envy what someone else has. I know it's not easy, but I've realized being grateful is the key. Don't waste any more energy on thinking about your sister. Use that energy for enjoying and creating the beautiful life that you have right now and for the future. I posted a similar question. I am sharing some of what I learned with you. It has been helping me a lot. Peace and blessings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): This one's easy, and you'll feel alot better soon... but you'll have to trust me on this... I fought it for years, but it works.I'm NOT religious... so let's start with that... but someone told me that if I prayed for someone who I was holding a HUGE resentment over (I thought that they'd done me wrong for ALOT of money- six figures)... that if I praid for them every night for 3 or 4 weeks that I'd get over it.Well- after being stuck hating this person, I did it, and I quit holding onto the pain that was hurting me (they had zero idea I was pissed off)... it worked in less than 2 weeks. Since then, I've been able to relize that I was hurting myself -and not them.Simple, yes... did it work - yes... did I fight it -hell yes...
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious  +, writes (7 September 2009):
This really isn't about your sister - It's about you. We are all different, and all of us have our faults - even your sister. But you seem to be idolising her, while putting yourself down.
What are your strengths? Your successes? What are the things that make you a unique and special person? And, more to the point, what has happened to your self esteem?
It's hard to be specific about how you can help yourself when all you have told us is about your sister. But, if you are feeling this bad about yourself then perhaps talking to a counsellor and getting to the bottom of it would be a positive step forward.
Good luck!
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