A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My sister got beaten up pretty bad by her ex partner, whom she still lives with.She was punched and bitten on her face, and threatened with a knife.Now she says that her ex has apologised and has 'problems' and she wants to help!I understand that this is a classic example of a domestic abuse situation. My sister is defending her ex and being aggressive toward her family when we tell her she has to leave.I don't know what to do. The more we try to help, the more defensive she gets over her ex. I'm worried that next time, she might be stabbed to death.She insists that there won't be a next time and that she's not in any danger, but she thought that before didn't she?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
It's interesting that you agree that sometimes you need to get a little angry. I expected to get a few disapproving comments about that to be honest. Sometimes threats are the only thing these people understand, and she knows that I meant them.
I am not typically a violent or aggressive person, but I guess everyone has their limit. Mine is my sisters.
The girl vomited during our conversation, and I don't mind telling you that I derived some satisfaction from that.
A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (26 October 2008):
 Im really pleased that your sister is ok and that she was not caught in the trap some abusers use to trick there victims into defending them. She is a very brave woman and she should be proud of herself
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Damn, you've got me smiling again, and I'm a bad tempered cow that hates to do that. I'm glad that your sister has got her power back, with supportive friends, a great family, who could ask for more. Please send her our kind regards. We know how hard it is to get out of this situation. On Dear Cupid there are women who have suffered this type of abuse and much, much more. Your sister is a strong and sensible woman, with a big forgiving heart. But she has looked at the reality of the situation and put her friends and family first. This takes courage and bravery, never forget this. It was love that put her in this situation, but it was love for you, her family and her friends that got her out. I hope she doesn't mind, but I will be recommending this post to other women who are suffering domestic abuse. Don't be a stranger, thank you for coming here and telling us the situation that she faced. Remember, there are thousands of women are reading this, and her courage and bravery brings guidance to many women who are suffering. Please thank your sister again, a woman with love and courage, who inspires love and courage in everyone she meets, our good wishes go with you all, and thanks again for being an inspiration to us all... Blessings......
PS: Sometimes dear brother, love means getting violent and unkind, and I do that,even though I am a woman and not a man. I am glad that you are the kind of man to know when kind words and loving is not enough, and I know how difficult you found it, especially since you were dealing with an abusive woman. Thank you, many women will listen and realise that man's anger can be used to protect and show love. Thank you for bringing your story to this board for everybody to share... Don't ever change, I wish there were more men in the world like you... Blessings and take care....
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
My sister is very lucky in that she has a good group of friends. It was them that she spoke to in between my conversations with her, and they managed to turn her from a victim into an aggressor.
Once she was angry rather than frightened, my sister gave me the green light to get rid of her ex, as long as I promised never to tell her exactly how I did it.
I'm sorry to say that the moral of this story is that sometimes the only way to deal with a bully is to be an even bigger bully.
I showed your post to my sister, and she was very touched that a total stranger would be so supportive.
You can be sure that she will be surrounded by people who care about her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): Thanks for the update babes, I'm glad that this abusive partner is on her way out. It must have been hell for you and your parents to see your sister abused in this way. Please stay close to your sister, try to give her lots of love, reassurance, telephone calls, little presents, things to show how much she is loved and how much support she has around her. Until this woman moves away, I need you and your family to swamp your sister with a blanket of caring and love. I don't want her to have time to think about this nasty woman. I want her to realise that throwing her out was the best decision she has ever made. She might feel lonely and miss her, so that's why I advise you to stay very close. I give you and your family my blessings and best wishes. Your sister is lucky to have a caring, protective, support of a brother such as you. She will realise one day how lucky she is, and she will be thankful to you.... Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Well, thanks for the advice, but it seems I spoke too soon.
I met my sister tonight and she wants her ex to move out.
This is very good news, because it means that she has realised that her ex has to go. I was worried after my conversation with her last night that she'd side with her ex, but she seems to have come to her senses on her own.
Knowing that I could deal with the situation without the worry of alienating my sister enabled me to take a more 'direct' approach, and the girl will be out of the country by Monday.
I hate to say it, but sometimes the only way to get these people to listen is to speak to them in their own language.
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A
male
reader, HotANDcold  +, writes (25 October 2008):
 Well dude I personally think this is a common issue in America especially in relationships where there is abuse not just physically but also emotionally and mentally. My oldest sister was in a really aggressive relationship in which she almost got killed matter or fact she had a miscarriage as a result of these constant fights with her husband. We all tried to help her but she wouldn’t listen to anyone not even my father who’s the closest to her.
I would strongly recommend you to have her meet with other women who have faced this type of domestic abuse. She might not listen to your concerns because you constantly keep on telling her to leave him but that’s not the correct way of solving this problem. Remember the more you tell her to leave this abuse relationship the further she would go away from you and your family. Instead of telling her to leave him, have him closer that way you know him better. She’s your sister she might never realized he needs help until something really bad happens, especially if they have children.
She’s obviously defending him because she probably loves him and she wants to keep her family together. Remember sometimes we rather to cover our eyes from reality, she lives in a denial because she loves this man as much as I am sure you guys love her. Therefore the only advice I could give you is have them get help because it is not only him the one with the problem this is a mutual thing since his the aggressor and she’s the one letting and hiding it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Hi babes, I can understand now why you left the sex of your sisters partner out. Yes, sex discrimination is live and kicking and the advice for men and women are very different.
Thus, I'm going to suggest something I've never done before. I think you should have a very "friendly" word with your partners sister, and I suggest you ask your sister to attend as well. I never suggest this when the partner is a man, for fear of the violence escalating. Remind the partner, that your sister is not alone, and she has people that care about her very much. Tell her you have a zero tolerance for violence, and an attack against your sister is an attack against you... I'm sure you get the idea. This is what I do when people attack the women who I love and are vunerable.
Anyway, your sister won't leave because she is in Lurveee... people in lurveee can make a 1001 excuses for bad behaviour. Eventually she will see the light and she will get tired of being used as a punching bag. She probably has been made to feel ugly and attractive and thus she believes that this is all she deserves. Difficult situation. In time she will wake up and she will dump this useless piece of shit in the garbage with the rest of the freaks. Sorry I have a low tolerance for Domestic abuse too. Do your best, explain to both of them, your not gonna stand by and allow your sister to be treated like this, even if it makes he angry and makes her cry. Good luck, just do your best with this situation. Blessings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Yes, you're quite right, I've done some reading and tried to explain to my sister that the pattern will continue.
I deliberately omitted from my first post that my sister is gay, and that her ex is female.
I probably don't need to explain that the fact that she is not a man is the only reason that she's not currently at the bottom of a canal.
I'd like to concentrate on how to get my sister round to our way of thinking. She knows that what we are saying to her makes sense, but she is still defending this girl.
She keeps saying things like 'she hasn't got anywhere to go', and 'if I don't help her, she'll just get worse.
I tried to tell my sister that she is part of the problem, not the solution, and that the fact that she has forgiven this girl has only reinforced her behaviour.
I have formulated a proto- plan. I'm after a quick and dirty solution, because every day she spends in the same house as this girl is another day in mortal danger.
While I appreciate the advice about counciling etc, this doesn't really fit with the severity of the situation. The girl had a knife up her sleeve, and if my sister had said the wrong thing during the incident, she'd be dead now.
I'm going to deal with her ex separately, and once I have spoken to her, she will leave the country and not come back.
What I really need to know is how to reason with my sister to get her back on our side. When this girl packs up and leaves, she will be too frightened to tell my sister why,
but I don't want my sister to fall out with me if she does find out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Yes, you're quite right, I've done some reading and tried to explain to my sister that the pattern will continue.
I deliberately omitted from my first post that my sister is gay, and that her ex is female.
I probably don't need to explain that the fact that she is not a man is the only reason that she's not currently at the bottom of a canal.
I'd like to concentrate on how to get my sister round to our way of thinking. She knows that what we are saying to her makes sense, but she is still defending this girl.
She keeps saying things like 'she hasn't got anywhere to go', and 'if I don't help her, she'll just get worse.
I tried to tell my sister that she is part of the problem, not the solution, and that the fact that she has forgiven this girl has only reinforced her behaviour.
I have formulated a proto- plan. I'm after a quick and dirty solution, because every day she spends in the same house as this girl is another day in mortal danger.
While I appreciate the advice about counciling etc, this doesn't really fit with the severity of the situation. The girl had a knife up her sleeve, and if my sister had said the wrong thing during the incident, she'd be dead now.
I'm going to deal with her ex separately, and once I have spoken to her, she will leave the country and not come back.
What I really need to know is how to reason with my sister to get her back on our side. When this girl packs up and leaves, she will be too frightened to tell my sister why,
but I don't want my sister to fall out with me if she does find out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Please ask her to read printouts (may be best if you get these off the internet for her) from the following website which may help her see a pattern in his behaviour - abuse, apology, build up, abuse again, apology, build up etc etc. It may be useful for you to read the content too as supporting her is essential. www.hiddenhurt.co.uk I have personally found this website invaluable. I hope it helps.
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A
female
reader, Fairy_Lu +, writes (25 October 2008):
Firstly im very sorry this has happed to your sister, secondly she is in danger if he has done it once chances are he will do it again and again and each time apologise and admit he has a problem. Many women die of domestic abuse each year because they believe there partners when they say they will change.
You need to talk to her and get her out of there and keep her safe, maybe councilling? or a support group? In britain there are safe houses for women who have suffered from domestic violence they are safe there and they are kept alive and away from the abuse they suffered.
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A
female
reader, Oblivia  +, writes (25 October 2008):
 Hi,
This is such a sad story and so hard to know what to do. I think you can't force your sister to do something she doesn't want to but still I don't think you should give up talking to her about this.
I do agree with you that this is domestic abuse and I'm afraid your fears of her getting seriously hurt and maybe killed, are very much valid.
Be there for her, call and see her often and see how she is. Keep a good eye on her and what is happening and make sure she knows that when she is ready to do something about this, then you will be there not judging, not saying "what did I say".
Are there any counselling groups where you live? You could go there and talk to others in the same situation and listen to what they are doing to get through with their worries to the one concerned, and also listen to how other women that has been in the same situation as your sister think would be the most effective way to get through to her.
I wish you all the best and luck, tell us how it goes!
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