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female
,
anonymous
writes: I am wondering what I am doing wrong around guys. I have a friend who is about the same level of attractiveness as myself and she has more success with guys. I feel like guys do not really like me and they treat me as if I was invisable. That being said there are a couple of guys who seem to deliberately seek me out and pay no attention to her. It just seems like she is never without a boyfriend and I go for much longer periods on my own. I think I may be more independent but I guess I feel she has allure and I do not.Guys make a point of winking with her and flirting with her...I guess I do not give out the same vibes. I am not in competition with her...she is a great person but it is only human nature to be desired by guys although I have other goals as well.Any tips on how to come to terms with this?
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female
reader, pica +, writes (7 September 2006):
Thing is, everyone is different. Don't try to be like her, people will pick that up on some level - you're not her shadow anyway. Unfortunately if you feel bad about yourself against her perhaps you should think about making other friends. I had an ex-friend with this same dynamic between us and although we were generally great friends, when it came to male attention there was an underlying competition. I felt she would push me out of the way for male attention while she probably felt I was standing looking miserable and unapproachable - yes, because I was unhappy with her behaviour. To be honest it destroyed our friendship after one incident too many. I can't explain it. I suppose there was jealousy on my part, she made it all look so easy, but also she seemed to need attention to survive, to be validated. At the end of the day, guys will like you for you but if you feel you don't get to show 'you' when you are with her, then move on.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2006): there's a little chemical called pheromones. and it's been scientifically proven that each and every person on this earth gives them off to the opposite sex, or same sex, which ever you prefer. and this chemical is supposedly what attracts you to one person and not another. supposedly we pick up on people's pheromones, subconsciously, and are sexually drawn to them because of it. and unfortunately, some people produce this chemical like it's their job, while others not as much. which may explain your friends ability to attract more men than you, despite your equal attractiveness level. but there are ways to increase your pheromone production. apparently, if you think about sex more, you can increase levels of it. anyway, pheromones aside, there could also be reasons aside from biology that are causing this problem. maybe your friend has a very different personality than you. perhaps she's more outgoing, and therefore, talks to more guys than you do. or also, maybe she openly flirts more than you do. or even body language. body language is very crucial when deciding to come talk to someone. if their body language is shut off, and says 'don't come talk to me', people can pick up on that very quickly and easily. i would just pay attention to the things your friend does, and maybe try and mimick her in her attempts with men. i'm not saying don't be yourself by any means, i'm just saying maybe she knows the key to success with the men. good luck.
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A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (6 September 2006):
 You don't need to come to terms with it!
Get your friend out clothes-shopping and see if you can find anything which shows off your best attributes! Not to say that you need to look tarty, far from it - that look will get plenty of attention, but only from the lairy, lecherous guys just gawping at your boobs, etc!
Other than that, watch her when you are both out - she is probably smiling and laughing a lot, making eye contact, and looking like someone who likes people! All people are attracted to that, and anyone can do it - just be yourself, be confident, and whilst not imitating your friend, just have fun when you are out, don't think of the evening as a failure just because you have not been chatted up, enjoy what there is to enjoy..someone special will notice whilst you are not looking. The last thing you need is to look desperate - not a good look at all!
- If it is any comfort to you I was once told by a guy that he did not flirt with me, wink at me and tell me dirty jokes, etc, was that he regarded me as a lady, and someone to be respected..that was the nicest thing a man had ever said to me at the time.
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