A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My SO he has retreated into what my sis called his "man cave" where he needs to think things through by himself and I should just leave him alone for the time being. He said it's not about us completely but he feels as if his life is about making everyone happy and pleasing everyone except himself and he wants to run away and no one would miss him probably. I let him know I'm here if he wants to talk and he said ok but he has basically kept to himself since. this has been going on for a few weeks. Should I leave him alone until he comes out of it? if I have to leave him alone, how much is a reasonable amount of time? Should I just assume he doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore and move on with my life? We have been in the relationship for 2+ years if that makes any difference.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your response. I've decided the best thing is to leave him alone until he comes out of it.
A
female
reader, GeeGee255  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 It sucks when this happens but every man is intitled to ask for his space ONCE during the early course of a relationship to re-evalute things. It only becomes a problem if they make a habit out of doing it everytime the relationship starts to get more serious. If that happens then its time to cut your loses and move on.
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A
male
reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (25 February 2011):
 "he wants to run away and no one would miss him probably" I'm not a mental health professional but this suggests to me he is depressed and would benefit from talking with a therapist.
"he feels as if his life is about making everyone happy and pleasing everyone except himself" I think from time to time anyone can get to feeling this way.
"We have been in the relationship for 2+ years if that makes any difference." It does make a difference. My baby girl and I sometimes sit/lay side by side for hours, enjoying each others company in complete silence. I see no reason why you two could not do the same because it "has been going on for a few weeks".
If he still does not want you beside him I would do what blonde30s said "get on with your life. go out with friends and do things that make you happy and dont sit around waiting for his call or anything like that". I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, -Lonely +, writes (25 February 2011):
I have endure this similar thing. I do think there is something to be said in giving them their space and letting them figure it out. It sucks because you feel alone and empty because one minite they are here and the next they are not.
If he is going through a depression, there is nothing you can do to fix it, he has to sort it out on his own. It might not have anything to do with personally. Yet you don't want him to take it out on you either. Therefore, he may recognize that he is prone to take it out on you and is putting distance between you two.
I hope this helps.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI also wanted to add that prior to the cave thing, we had some communication issues but we had agreed that we would work on them as we still wanted to be together. The cave thing started three days after the discussion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): This is normal...I know it doesn't feel like it but it is. He will love you MORE when he comes out as long as you don't bug him while he's in there. Don't bring him food, don't ask if he's ok, just let him be. He'll respect you so much for letting him have his time to work things out. Go out with your friends and family, take yourself to the movies or the spa. Let it be "down time" for you too. You both will be the better for it. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): Try not to panic, this sounds like quite typical male behaviour at the moment. In my experience men honestly do need to "re-generate" their male batteries from time to time by going off and doing a brooding session "in their cave". If you "interrupt" the brooding by expressing your needs it will take longer for him to go through the process. If everything else in your relationship is relatively okay, then you could see this as a sign that he is just taking stock of where he is at - when he is expressing that he feels that he has to please everyone all the time he is basically expressing stress to do with responsibilities and priorities - he needs time to re-identify with himself so that he can come back stronger. My man used to be like this and I found it so painful the first time that it happened, but quickly learned that the more I left him alone, the quicker he got through it each time. Just try to keep busy and happy and try really hard not to take it personally. As to the time limit, he will be mildly aware that normal time is going on and will know that he eventually has to get back into that normal pace and time frame, but for now he almost can't help himself - whilst he is brooding his sense of time will change - he's almost neanderthall in this state and modern day time is out there somewhere in the distance. He will come back, but you need to be strong.
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A
female
reader, Lovely15 +, writes (25 February 2011):
He seems depressed which is worrisome. He is wallowing in self pity... a great remedy to self pity is making a list of things in your life that you're grateful for. (i.e. in his case: you, a roof over his head, food on the table, the opportunity to help the people he loves). he seems stuck in a really negative perspective. You can't control him or force him to be happy but maybe suggest therapy (if he won't just talk to you) or leave a brochure about depression somewhere around the house where you know he'll see it or Google "depression", "self-pity" or "isolating" and leave the page up on his screen. If he doesn't take action by finding out what's wrong with himself and make a positive change for himself and for you, then ask yourself what YOU want for yourself and do it. I hope this all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2011): It sounds like he has depression. He needs professional help or he will never feel much better than this.
I would do a combination of leaving him alone and checking in on him every now and then. Check in on him, but if he still wants to be left alone then back off again, wait awhile, then check in again.
sometimes people say they want to be left alone but is really a cry for help, especially men tend to not know how to start conversations about how they are feeling even though they may desperately want to share their feelings, they want you to be the initiator of such conversations.
But it's also possible that he may truly want to be left alone like if he's in a depression. so just check in on him but if he says he wants to be left alone then back off.
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