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female
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anonymous
writes: hii have been with my b/f for over 2 years..he is great in some ways BUT he is a momma's boy..meaning he grew up in a household where it was "women's work" to cook, clean. The men did not do this. I definitely know this because i have seen his mom and have heard comments from my boyfriend about how its not his job to do the dishes or to mop the floors to me. even though he does them mostly at his place--he says i don't get them as clean as he wants or whatever). He is pretty much a sexist person. Hearing those comments has made me hesitant about cleaning when we are there and doing dishes so i didnt until he complained that i dont do enough..i saw his point after a year so i do wipe down the table now, fix the bed..but at this point i am not going to pretend to be his housewife and mop floors and clean the bathroom. We had a big discussion/fight(one i have tried bringing up a few times)I said its not 1950--most women dont stay home anymore..they are working just as many hours or more, how is it right for any person so say thats your job, shouldnt we help out any way we can? He says what about when the grass needs to be cut every week, or the place needs to painted. He seems to think the roles are divided and certain things--only a man can do..even with that..those things are not every day things..they may be a big job but then you are done for a couple of months(hopefully)after fixing a car. I love him but dont know what to do..he seems so ignorant to me regarding this and i feel like he would only marry me or someone if a woman will do all of these things and he pretty said there is no point if a person doesnt want to do this stuff. He told me past girlfriend's did stuff like this without me asking--i basically told him well if they had self-respect and heard the comments you made about "woman's work" i doubt they would jump to do your dishes and i don't care what other women did b/c if you weren't living with them or married it doesn't count--seeing a girl once or twice a week and they cleaned is cute but if they had to do it everyday--i doubt they would feel the same.He then said well i can see the cooking once in awhile or maybe we can order out..but he said he wont be apart of vacuuming or mopping. He then began to say--what is it you are worried about..i'm the one who does most of the dishes now even though i think that should be your job and i cook more than you have..he doesnt seem to be getting my point that i am wondering what he expects if and when we get married or live together.I feel really angry but still attached. Its aggravating..i mean i would think i would come home from work and cook but not EVERY DAY...and if thats the way he felt about mopping that he never be apart of it..i know myself..i probably wouldn't mop then unless it absolutely needed it. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2007): was a total sexist pig, if I was you any mess he makes just leave it there, if you dont feel like cooking then dont, let him starve, if he dont like it then he can go stick it!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): I tell you what, why dont you stop doing all the cooking and cleaning and then see how much he appreciates it!!. Once you've got his attention tell him that unless he helps out the house will just be left dirty until he starts pulling his wieght!.
And just to tick him off cook yourself food and only wash your own clothes he will soon start pulling his wieght!.
But seriously though, he needs to know that this is not the 1940s and if he wants to be in a relationship with you then this is the way it has to be. I mean I'm sure you both work and when you come home he cant expect you to do everything?!, it should be 50 / 50.
hope I have been able to help
XX
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (1 February 2007):
 Make a list of all the chores that need to be done routinely and split them between yourselves. Then make a list of things that are only done infrequently and split them up.
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A
male
reader, ironic nostalgia +, writes (1 February 2007):
 hey Ponungalungb,
i did get that your approach was "tongue-in-cheek," i'm just against the concept of her creating more guidelines... unless that idea was meant to be sarcastic as well, then i apologize.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (1 February 2007):
 Note to Ironic Nostalgia. . .
I forgot to add an adendum to my letter: "The above letter is written with a note of sarcasm (tongue in cheek, if you will)."
There, how's that?
LOL! Sometimes I forget that people will take what I write too literally. The one line that I did write with conviction was the following: "Our relationship is built on teamwork. It's not about you placing your demands upon me. I WORK TOO, ASSHOLE!!!!!" That one I meant to be taken literally.
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A
male
reader, ironic nostalgia +, writes (1 February 2007):
not to sound like a jerk to the responder below, but i advise AGAINST setting up your own guidelines for him to live by, as this will just create built up and repressed resentment for those activities, or even you, for imposing them on him (not to mention that some of these are traditionally gender orientated as well. basically, i don't think it will solve anything). turning the tables will just make him feel as you feel now.onto the topic, i suggest education in women's studies. hear me out:first of all, this behavior is not cool. labeling certain activities as "women's work" not only degrades the activities as so inferior that only women should have to stoop so low to perform them, but it implies that women THEMSELVES are inferior to men. he may not express this sentiment explicitly, but i suspect that he feels this way on a subconscious level.additionally, he needs to understand that we live in a new age today. housework is work that NEEDS to be shared between the two individuals who own/rent a place together. it's not fair to you for him to just assume that you will work outside the home to pay the bills AND do most (if not all) the housework inside the house. that's a double load, and him occasionally mowing the lawn, painting the house, or fixing a car when need be does not equalize the situation. cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc is a DAILY activity. it's not fair to you to share a larger portion of the housework, and that's something he should be brought to understand.you should let him know that you don't appreciate his degradation of you as a woman, which is exactly what his behavior does. the only way for this problem to be solved is to nip it in the bud with education. he needs to understand that his behavior is a reflection of sexist attitudes that BLATANTLY disrespects you as a woman. only after getting him to understand these concepts can you then move on to sharing the housework equally.basically, the problem is not that he expects you to perform most of the housework, that is only a by-product of the larger problem. and that problem is that he doesn't seem to understand that his attitudes create a power dynamic in which you (the woman) is viewed as inferior to him (the man). this is an attitude that WILL spill over into aspects of your lives other than housework, unless he is brought to understand why it is wrong for him to have these ideas and accept them as truth. they are not truth, only social constructs--which means that the only social system you should accept is one that treats all individuals involved equally.i hope that i haven't repeated myself too much... and i hope that his is helpful to the both of you. i really think that this is a long term problem, and you should be prepared for one of three possible scenarios:1) he understands the inherent problems with his attitudes and changes accordingly in order to respect you as an equal, and takes up his share of the house work2) he refuses to understand the inherent problems with his attitudes, and you continue to bear the load of housework for as long as you are together, as well as take the role of the "inferior woman" in other social contexts3) he refuses to understand the inherent problems with his attitudes, and you decide to end the relationship due to his lack of respect for youhopefully, you will be able to get option (1) to work out.
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A
female
reader, depaiva  +, writes (1 February 2007):
 It's probably not he's fault that he thinks this way-he was socialized into thinking this way. You need to show him that you understand where he's coming from but he also needs to understand you. In today’s world-like you said-it's a 50/50, give and take in a relationship. You should hint when you cook again that if he wants a certain food he needs to help you, if he doesn't then he must eat whatever you're having ( salad-men hate that ;-) ). You should start small-he's not going to compromise over night. And also do some of "a man's job" just to show him that a women can do it too.And about him comparing you to he's Xs, now that's a big no no. You are an individual and you should be proud of it and if he can't accept you as an EQUAL-then he's not worth your time or energy.I know it's hard to accept the fact that he might not reach a compromise with you but I strongly suggest that you fight for yourself without degrading him. I truly hope you two reach a compromise that suits both of you.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (1 February 2007):
Before you decide to move in with or marry momma's boy (or Neanderthal Man), YOU need to lay down YOUR guidelines. It seems he has told you his. Now is the time, before you even think about moving in, for you to give him yours. Write down a list and hand it to him.
Here are some examples you might want to consider (in no particular order):
You want sex every night at 11 p.m. SHARP!
You want to cuddle for exactly 30 minutes afterward.
You want the trash taken out daily.
You want him to wash your back every night with the loofah.
You have to learn to change diapers (in the event this union produces offspring).
You have to learn to cook decent meals . . . not TV Dinners and Pot Pies.
REMEMBER THE TOILET SEAT - Piss when it's up . . . put it down when you're done!
Last, but not least:
Our relationship is built on teamwork. It's not about you placing your demands upon me. I WORK TOO, ASSHOLE!!!!!
These are just ideas. Use them if you desire.
Good luck!
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