A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ive searched this site and cannot find any relevant advice for the dilema that i am in. I really love my best friend shes a really nice girl and very supportive and very pretty. When we go out to parties and clubs all the guys are interested in and want to talk to her and i'm often stuck with 'the friend' who is only really talking to me because his friend wants to pull or is already in a relationship. I feel like my confidence has been completely shattered. Ive never been unconfident until this started happening. i dont know what to do because i love my friend and she cant stop being attractive. I just feel i have just as much to offer and i am a lot more down to earth than her but i never have the chance to show it because my friend is getting the attention and im left feeling a bit lonely or like the third wheel. Im sure its not the way, but sometimes i feel like maybe she only asks me to go out with her because she knows next to me it will be her that will get the attention. Also, I have been single for a year and a half and my ex always said i would never find anyone better than him even though he was abusive and far from perfect. Im starting to think that maybe he was right. Men dont find me attractive and never will. Does anybody advice to offer? Please help
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (6 September 2010):
My girl, I think your confidence wasn't up there where it should be to begin with.
People can tell, you know. If you are the more withdrawn, observer type people will easily overlook you if you have a friend who is much more "out there". I'm not even talking about her looks now. Some people are just very sociable and they attract others with their bubbly personality. I have a friend who is like this. She is very average looks wise, but when we go out together she is caught up with everyone. I don't mind, it's who she is. I am who I am and it just so happens I don't get the same amount of attention because of that.
What I do is just leave her side for a while and chat up other people. Don't stick by her side when she's getting all the attention because you're not going to be able to get a foot in the door, if you get what I mean. Instead, look around and initiate conversations by yourself and when things calm down go back to your friend and exchange stories.
I've had it happen the other way around as well. I was going out with a friend and a guy chatted us up. He and I had an instant click and we talked easily, while she had great difficulty involving herself into the conversation. She then asked to be introduced to his friend and got chatting herself. That way we both had a good evening even though we weren't together all the time. When you realize you're becoming the third wheel, don't stick around.
This is not about looks all that much. Sure, being pretty helps, but it doesn't get you far if you don't click with people. So don't put it on her looks, but rather on how you handle the situation.
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