A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have 4 children from my first marriage who now live in the UK with their mother, and I am in another relationship with a new wife and we have one child together.Ny new wife does not like the children from my first marriage, is resentful to them and now has suggested that only 2 of them come to visit me in Aus every second year. She has not spent much time with them, does not know them and does not want to get to know them.Should I put the needs of myself and my first children in terms of regular contact first here before the current relationship, which will ultimately mean that I leave my current wife so I can have regular contact with the children from my first marriage, who I love and care for very much? Is this a mean a selfish thing to do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011): Hello. . Well my father remarried last year and his new wife doesnt like me either. .this is very very bad because my father and I were very close and now he cant see her for who she really is he takes her side no matter how wrong she is!!!!!!!I decided to move out because she indirectly told me to do so. .and ya now my father thinks my sister and i are the bad ones. . the one person i thought would NEVER disappoint me. . DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2011): Well, do what you damn well want. That's what I say. But, before you do, take heed to the following lesson."Ny new wife does not like the children from my first marriage, is resentful to them and now has suggested that only 2 of them come to visit me in Aus every second year. She has not spent much time with them, does not know them and does not want to get to know them."7 Generations ago, a woman lived in my country, who took in her 2 grandchildren who were not liked by their stepmother, their mother (her daughter) had died. Their stepmother treated them badly. Today, the stepmother's name is forgotten, their father's name is forgotten, but their grandmother's name is not, and has been known by scores of descendants. She was my great, great, great grandmother, and my children know her name as well, and her name was mentioned in a phone call just 1 day ago by another family member.The only thing that is known today about their stepmother and father is that their father did not do his duty and their stepmother didn't like them.This is not an isolated story, it has been replicated in a lot of families. If you, as a parent, do not do your duty, the future generations will remember...but they will forget your name...and you will deserve it.
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female
reader, miss_stuart12  +, writes (16 January 2011):
Your wife is out of order. If you enter a relationship with someone who has children, then they are part of the deal. Why should 4 innocent children who did not create this situation go without a father. What right does your wife have to try and impact on their lives like this? It would be mean and selfish to forego your children for this women. An interesting perspective would be to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot. If your wife had children from a previous marriage, do you think for one second that she would tolerate you coming into her life and treating them like second class citizens? Do you think she would give up her children for you? And even if she did what kind of person would that make her? If she truly loved you, she would not put you in this position, spell it out to her exactly where you stand and it make it clear that you will not compromise when it comes to maintaining a relationship with your children.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): How in the hell did you marry this self-centered bitch?
Didn't this come up while you were dating?
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (16 January 2011):
Sod your second wife! And tell her that too.
The needs of your children, all of them, are more important that she will ever be, so DO NOT allow her to treat your kids like crap.
It's simple - your wife has to change her attitude, or you need to leave and be the best father you can. You've got to take control of this, and you need to make sure you wife doesn't screw your kids lives up. Or you'll lose them all.
Your second wife is not worth as much as your children. Period.
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 Sorry, mate, but you screwed up by not sorting this out before you remarried. Now that you've created a new family there are no easy answers.
If you're not willing to sacrifice the relationship with the kids from your first family (which it doesn't sound like you're prepared to do, bless you) then you have to walk the line between making a pleasant place for them and keeping the peace with your new wife. So structure their visits in a way that your new wife sees them at their best, and that they interfere with her world as little as possible. At the same time, make it clear to your new wife that your children are important to you, and that the harmony in your new home depends in large part upon her being adult and welcoming.
My father left four kids and created a new life. While he made it clear that they would remain an important part of his life, his new woman had never had children, and I'm sure she must have found it intensely difficult to accomodate them (us). Over the years great relationships developed, but only because my father insisted. My father is gone, and the 'new' woman only has his original kids to rely on (despite the fact that they had two together).
You can make this work. But you have to get your new wife onside to do so. It can be worth the effort. It doesn't have to be an either/or thing.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 January 2011):
 These are your children ! You are already separated by the big distance, now you also want them to visit in shifts because your wife does not like them ? She knew you had 4 children when she married you- it was a package deal,
if she had a problem with interacting with your children she should have made it clear before getting married.
I understand anyway how hosting 4 young people together may be a big sacrifice because of all the extra work , schedule adjustments,loss of privacy etc. So make sure you make it as easy as possible for your wife, give all the help and support that you can, and make sure she does not have to slave around cleaning and cooking while you enjoy your family's visit. Help her with shopping, meals preparation, errands , chores etc. ,or hire some help. Organize outings that your wife can join too, and do not
forget ,in the excitement of the visit, that you also have a wife who wants your companionship .
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): I only have a bit of experience here not advice but it might help you. I do not like the children from my husbands previous relationships either. I used to absent myself if he was going to see them and spent as little time with them as possible. Any time I did spend with them i could only find things about them which made me dislike them more. Anyway my husband could not put up with my attitude and told me that his children come first and now we are separated. I personally could not accept that he had had a life before me and did not like it. seeing them was a constant reminder that he had had sex with others and that he was responsible for making these children that I really didn't like. I have to be honest, I don't miss my husband at all and it is absolute relief that I no longer have to deal with these children. Sme people can take on board other peoples kids and others just cant do it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2011): The mean and selfish thing to do would be to sacrifice your children for a woman who doesn't like them. When you have children and remarry, you and the chilren should be a package deal. You made a commitment to these kids when they were born. How do you think they would feel to know you terminated your relationship with all 4 of them for another woman. It's up to you to be a father and stand up for your kids. I realize you have a child in this marriage too, but this child has you daily. Your first 4 born are overseas most of the time. You really should've gotten this settled before you got married. Good luck.
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