A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really don't know what to do about my situation. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years borrowed money every month for 14 months. My savings are now 1/2 what they were. About once or twice a week if I phone him in the evenings he is drunk, slurred speech, not making sense etc. He does not have any illness, it is definitely alcohol. When I ask him to start paying the money back instead of buying alcohol, he screams at me to stop pressuring him. I have tried to be nice and I just feel like a nag. How can he justify buying wine and stuff if he is strained financially and owes me money? I suggested that he should do without the luxury of so much wine that he gets drunk and decrease his consumption to save money. He just shouted and told me I should leave him instead of putting pressure on him. How do I solve it?
View related questions:
drunk, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, big rob905  +, writes (7 February 2014):
 Leave him matter of fact run. My sister was in the same kind of deal like you are into. You see these kind of guys just take they never put anything back in there realationships.they take take take never 11qQ op.
?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2014): Clearly, the first thing you need to do is stop giving him money under any circumstances odor any reason until he starts paying you back, if you haven't already. For kicks, I'd scream at him to "stop pressuring me" the next time he asked me for money.Secondly, you have to decide if you want to attempt to get your money back or just cut your losses and move on. If you talk to him in a calm manner, when he's sober and in a good mood, you may be able to make him see the the needs to agree to a payment plan so you start getting your money back. Trying coming up with something small that he should be able to afford. Even £10 a week will add up over time, but it shouldn't be unreasonable for him. If you can, try getting him to sign something that says how much he owes you and how he will pay you back, although that'll probably be difficult to get him to agree. But it'll make it much easier for you to sue him if/when he doesn't pay you. If he doesn't agree to a payment plan, or doesn't live up to his agreement, it's time to move on. I would certainly suggest trying small claims court, but there's no guarantee of success, especially if you have no proof.Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 A super-renowned french comic (too soon dead in a accident, after he founded the french most famous meal center) named COLUCHE once said as foreword to a famous sketch: "if I have everything well understood, the world would have two problems, sex and money. I thought in myself "as everybody own an ass, let's study the money problem"... Big Mistake !!!"That was more than 35 years ago, it was based on an old discussion which roots can be traced up to the oldest known civilizations, and in 2014, the two problems still represent 75 to 80% of every problems between men and women (probably the same for the causes of divorces that amount to about 50% of contracted marriages in France, in the two or three years following the wedding, probably about the same percentage in a lot of "developed" nations).Why do I tell you all that ? Because it's very very very (yes, that's a cubic problem) rare that an alcoholic, a junky, a chronic cheater/player/money borrower changes his way of doing things.The best is then to cut the link or you will be drained to zero. As simple as that: refuse to be a lemon anymore !And courage !
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): I feel so sorry for you, this happened to me as well, although it was never savings... this is my post:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/boyfriend-of-four-years-drinks-smokes-and-gambles.html
I went back and forth, back and forth, always making excuses for him... even recently I tried to get money back and he denied he had ever taken it from me and gave me all manner of reasons why if I had paid for something, then so had he. I would advise you to leave him and not even try to sort it out, he is abusing you. As harsh a fact as that may be to accept, better to accept it now than later when you might find yourself destitute because of his habits.
I regret the 4 years I spent.. pardon the pun. Do yourself a favour.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Wine is cheap so I doubt the money he borrows is going on that. More likely he is just living above his means, maybe has a gambling problem, who knows.
If he is working then you could try meeting him the day his pay goes in the bank and asking for a regular repayment plan or DD to be set up. Doubt he will do it though.
Your enabling him to get into debt as you always lend him cash, knowing he will not pay it back. So, say no, never again, next time he asks.
Then, consider your relationship, it doesn't sound like it's going anywhere, if it were me I would cut my losses, finish the relationship and vow to never ever lend anyone money again.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 February 2014):
 YOU solve it by using it as a learning experience.
YOU solve it by kissing your savings goodbye as you will NEVER get it paid back to you. NEVER lend money that you can't afford to be without.
YOU solve it by ending the relationship with a man who is an addict and out of control.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): Seriously I would leave his sorry ass and see about taking him to a small claims court!Sorry but this guy is a complete loser and knows how to play you! He probably isn't drunk.....just acting it up to put you off asking for your money back.If he cared about you so much or had any morals he would be already making payments without you nagging! I honestly cant understand why you put up with this lowlife?!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 February 2014):
 LEARN from this. The FIRST time you lend someone money (be it a friend or a BF) and they DO NOT pay back, NEVER lend them money again. Seriously. NEVER.
Also, TALK to him while he is sober, tell him you NEED your money back and the he and you need to figure out a payment plan so he can pay you back. Don't bring up alcohol or him spending money on stuff - just tell him you need the money back. If he starts scream tell him to stop throwing a fit and help you figure out how he can pay you back.
If that doesn't work, you are going to have to take it as a loss. My guess is you have no "proof" that you lend him money (as in a signed contract or paper-trail) so suing him is going to be hard and depending on the amount, it might cost you MORE to sue him then he owes.
Also, if he refuses to work out a way to pay you back, I'd dump him right there and then.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2014):
 You can try llifton's approach, you never know...
But, tbh, perhaps I'd just kiss my money ( and the guy too, of course ) goodbye and chalk it up to experience .
14 MONTHS, and he's been regularly scrounging off you ? Without ever an attempt to give you anything back on his own ? In fact, he acts offended when you " pressure " him for getting back what's yours ?...
Oh good Lord. Either he is a full blown alcoholist , and there's no way to reason with his addiction, no matter how nice you put it- or, worse and more probably, he knows perfectly how you feel about the situation, and that is not fair to you, and that he is taking advantage etc.etc... but he does not give a damn. The way things are now works perfectly for him : you pay, and he drinks. If it ain't broke don't fix it- and for him, it ain't broke , why should he make changes : The very worse that can happen to him, is that you FINALLY see the light and dump his mooching ass, and he does not seem that scared of that, in fact he's sort of challenging you to do it. I guess he counts on you not having the guts to do it, as you did not have it so far for the past 14 months.
So, always try with tact and manners first , as llifton suggests,... but again, tbh, I'd be surprised if it worked, even minimally. And as for sueing him, uhm, I am no lawyer but I am very skeptical about your chances of success, sueing him for what ? If you have no witnesses and no signed receipts showing inequivocably yours were loans- he can say they were donations, you were just a nice gf willingly helping out her bf, - and how are you going to disprove that ?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2014): "How can he justify buying wine and stuff if he is strained financially and owes me money?"He doesn't have to justify anything as long as he has a girlfriend who is dumb enough to continue "loaning" him money when he doesn't pay her back and she knows how he's spending it. "I suggested that he should do without the luxury of so much wine that he gets drunk and decrease his consumption to save money."I suggest that you should do without the luxury of a mooching drunkard boyfriend who is bleeding you dry. "How do I solve it?"Stop giving him money and either take him to court to get back what you've already "loaned" him or write off your losses.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (6 February 2014):
 Sounds like your boyfriend may have an alcohol dependency. It seems getting through to him isn't working, as he's just getting offended.
Have you tried breaching the subject when he's sober? Say, for example, the next time you see him, sit down with him face to face and express to him your feelings about what's going on. Have a heart to heart, without an aggressive or accusational tone. If even still he continues to behave like this, you may have no choice but to cut your ties. Its not your job to dwindle away your life savings on a guy who's doing nothing to remedy his financial situation.
If you break up with him and don't get your money back, you can sue him (last resort) for the reimbursement. Just keep track of how much you've let him borrow.
...............................
|
