A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My best friend/roommate has been dating this guy for a little over three months.The problem is, I hate this guy. I've met him once, and he said some racist shit to me (I'm black, he's white). It wasn't just one comment either, it was quite a few of them. Racism is a zero-tolerance deal for me, and I think anybody with a brain these days knows they can't say these things, especially if you are in your thirties like this idiot is. I ignored the guy after the 2nd comment and told my friend what he said the next day; she simply stated she didn't remember any of it though she was RIGHT there. I can usually manage to be civil and trot out the "kill 'em with kindness" deal when it comes to people I hate, but I can't do that with him. Whenever he comes over my stomach knots up and I have to excuse myself. I don't talk to him. I don't even wave hello. I get the hell out of there because I worry he is going to say something else racist and I will rearrange his face with a cheese grater.I feel so bad for my friend, though. She wants me to like her boyfriend. Honestly this has made me like her less because she's dating this jerk and she doesn't consider the racism a big deal. We have been friends for more than six years and we've never had any kind of racial issue before. I really believe she's with this dude out of loneliness and wants to ignore the bad things.What should I do? I can't afford to move out for at least a few months. I keep thinking I should be civil but I can't stand how angry I feel.All your advice is appreciated. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is her home. I am renting a room from her and therefore have my own space to go to when he comes over. (I guess we are actually housemates, not roommates)
We also run a home-based business together which complicates things. I have already brought up the idea of me moving into my own place and she is totally against it...in fact she told me she would rather move out with him into their own place. We have talked about my concerns already and she is going to keep dating him. I just don't get that at all....
A
female
reader, TheAgonyAunt  +, writes (27 June 2009):
 This sounds like a tricky situation. Your friend can not possibly expect you to like him if he's being racist towards you. Is there anybody else you could move in with if this doesn't stop? Maybe this would make your friend realise how much this is effecting you. It doesn't really sound like she's being a good friend to you right now.. if there's someone you could stay with then I would go for it. Maybe she will eventually realise what a jerk he is.Hope this helps =)
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (27 June 2009):
You have the right to be comfortable in your own home and you also have the right to not be faced with racist remarks in your own home. What an idiot this guy is! Who does he think he is? Extremely rude, and if you rearranged his face with a cheese grater, then I'd cheer for you! You definitely need to talk to your roomate. Let her know that his comments are unwelcome and it is also YOUR home and he has absolutely no right to come into your home and degrade you. Let her know exactly how you feel and that if he continues to make remarks then he is not welcome into your home until you are out. If she wants to see him, then she can go to his place. Is she blind? If I had a boyfriend do that to one of my friends I would seriously backhand him. I'm sorry but your situation pisses me off...literally. Be strong and don't let that a-hole make you leave your own home!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): I am very saddened and sorry to hear this. That must be awful. Unfortunately these types of situations are far too common these days. What I recommend, is talking to your roommate, to your friend once again. Explain to her how you feel, maybe leave out the cheese grater, but tell her that seriously, you do not want to be around him and that you cannot be around him. Tell her it is up to her if she wants to date him, but that you would like your friendship to last, and you would like to feel respected by her. That you would like to live in your own apartment as a normal human being, with the freedom to come and go and be comfortable in your own space. If she cannot go to her bfs place, or somewhere else all the time, try and work out some sort of schedule with her... maybe one night out of the week, or on weekends he can stay over, but you want proper warning, so you have time to make arrangements to sleep or be elsewhere. After talking to her about the matter and importance of it to you, in a calm and mature fashion, she as your friend, will hopefully listen and understand you. If not, then I would ask a friend or family member if I could live on their couch or in a spare room for a month or two, until you can gather enough money to move out of there.
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A
female
reader, laura585 +, writes (27 June 2009):
WOW. That would be super frustrating. Well being civil is the best idea until you can afford to move out. Your friend will be put in an uncomfortable situation if you and her bf have it out everytime he's there. She may start feeling like she has to make a choice btwn you 2. Maybe you should talk with her seriously, dont be rude or bad-mouthing her boyfriend other than the facts (which will probably sound like bad-mouthing since he's a pretty low person) Just be like, "I dont want him here when I'm here, he disrespects me completely in my own home, if you feel like you need to be with him that's fine, but I'd appreciate it if you two could hang out at his place." You know something along those lines. Make sure she knows its not her, but only him. If nothing changes then I would totally move out, theres no need for you to have to deal with racism like that in 2009! This guy needs to evolve already!
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