A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,It's looking likely I will have a parent pass away in the next few months after what has been a pretty tough time helping support them through their decline.I am single and would love to meet someone. I have had short term relationships since my mid 20s. Sometimes I have made bad choices in the types of guys I have got involved with in recent years, sometimes I am just not the personality type they are looking for. I find the situation frustrating. I want to date but I am hearing after a loss of this kind I may well take over a year to bounce back emotionally. Equally, I don't feel it is fair not to let a boyfriend know this has happening even though I'm guessing it's not exactly going to be attractive, and possibly less serious types would finish the relationship to be with someone in an easier situation. I have been dating but finding it tough to deal with the usually ebb and flows this involves - last minute cancellations that add disappointment, lack of chemistry, guys who want to get into my pants but nothing more. I know this is all run of the mill stuff in dating world but it seems to make the grief so much tougher.I've already been single whilst all my friends enjoy getting married, having babies etc. I just feel so trapped in this situation and like my own life has been completely put on hold. I'm aware that already a lot of the good guys are taken, and as I get older this is only going to get worse.What do I do - wait it out? continue to date during this time?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): OP with all due respect you're only thinking about yourself here and not about what you're expecting of the men you potentially want to date if you do so now.
You're asking for a guy to jump right into a joyless, very heavy, deeply hurtful situation where a woman is in the middle of slowly watching one of her closest loved ones die.
You also point out how the guys not interested in such a vicious life situation are probably the less serious type. You're asking someone to be far too serious too soon, and be something which is unfair to ask and frankly is not a good sign if he's the type of guy who gets off on that enough to want to be your co-dependent saviour.
OP your life is on hold now, and that's the way it should be in fairness. You have nothing fun, nothing sexy to offer a guy right now just a tonne of baggage that will make it impossible for any decent man to get in any way close, because he can't trust that you're not just using him as emotional comfort, ready to dump him once he's filled that need. You're also asking a guy to be hurt from the outset because OP if a guy has any kind of feelings for you what is happening in your life and your pain will become his too. Is that really something you want a guy to have bear?
If it was one of my family members a bit of pussy and romance would be the furthest from my mind. Their life was put on hold for me from the moment I was born until the moment I finally flew the nest, it's not a lot to return the favour by focussing everything I have on then as their life comes to an end. I'm not saying you're not doing that, OP, you certainly are. But I honestly feel you're panicking here for the wrong reasons and the reason you feel left out in the cold is nothing to do with wanting a healthy, good dating life, it's because you want someone to carry some of your baggage. To ease the pain of feeling so cold and alone at the moment.
OP there are plenty of good men left, good men come onto the market all the time too. There is no hurry, and you're not missing out because the most important man who has ever been in your life has your undivided attention when he needs it most.
I have to echo what the others said, OP, you should seek another form of comfort in maybe a counsellor or your friends. Because as a man you literally have nothing good to offer me at the moment because of what is going on. I just want to date women for fun, to get to know them, see if we work together and when they're ready to enjoy their time with me. Not sit there playing with my food as the undertone of sadness and grief fills the air with an extreme discomfort. The very thing that is consuming your life at the moment is either the only thing you will talk about or it will be the thing that you won't and therefore be the elephant in the room.
I wouldn't even feel good about having a casual sex thing with you because I'd feel it's taking advantage and I'd lose too much respect for myself, so with all due respect, right this minute you have nothing to offer me, and would ask way too much in the form of understanding, compassion, patience, persistence to make it in any fun for me to date you.
Find another outlet, OP, and stop panicking. In terms of age you've only barely reached a third of your life. That bullshit women say about there "being no good men" left are only said by idiots that either expect too much from men or their "type" is the asshole type.
Date if you want, OP, but be prepared for it be the exact as the last guy, stick around for a little while bone you, then realise you're far too messed up at the moment to go any further with.
OP your situation is making you feel trapped and you're panicking, but you have to stop looking at us guys as a solution to your problems. We're not, we're people with our own needs, desires and emotions. You're not even considering what it is you're asking of us, you're only thinking of you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi thanks for your answers - I think I may have given the wrong impression here. The reason I am considering not dating for a while is NOT because I think my parent would want that. In fact i know it is not because I have had to sit through them repeatedly telling me their greatest regret is that I am not coupled up and I will be left on the shelf. My concerns are this:1) New relationships don't often work out. I have already trusted and then had to deal with two break ups during the illness caring period by guys 6 months in. It was not fun and resulted in further upheaval in my life, and more sadness to deal with. Do I really want to risk that again right now? 2) I wish every guy was mature and caring enough to stick around but let's face it, the reality is they don't really know me and there are a lot of girls out there my age who simply wont have to deal with this sort of situation for a long time whereas for me it is imminent. If I find someone mature enough then great, but I'm not. Im finding single guys, who are still into the bar scene and are single for very good reasons (narcissists, alcoholics or the emotionally stunted). I know it is not that all guys are like this - I have plenty of fantastic male friends and they are all taken unfortunately. 3) I am finding it hard to function at the moment at best - grief turning out to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. That is without the ups and downs of a new relationship added to the mix. I'm sure I am not exactly a right catch at the moment but perhaps I need some time to process what has happened.I'm not only losing a parent, but taking on their entire business affairs and looking after an elderly mum. 4) I would LOVE to click with someone new. But you know what? Just is not happening at the moment. Quite possibly it is because I am already grieving. Maybe I just don't click with many guys.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (19 March 2014):
 Sometimes, I think we give too much "power" to death.....
After all, any one of us, a friend, relative or loved one could step in front of a bus, this afternoon, and be dead at sundown.....
Consider how YOU would feel about you, if YOU were your parent. Would you want YOU to mope around... put your life in "Park" and not LIVE from now until you breathed your last breath????? I suspect not....
Stop beating yourself up... and allowing the decline of your parent to be the driving component of your life. LIVE!!!!!
If'n you should meet some fellow who you fancy... don't fail to get close to him simply because you think you will experience a period of grieving if/when your parent dies. Instead, LIVE!!!! How much MORE of a tribute is that - to your parent - than for you to cloister yourself and WAIT for them to die before YOU LIVE.
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, DragonMan +, writes (19 March 2014):
 Greetings,
Death is a tricky little event to plan for.
I myself have been expecting to hear of my grandfather passing away (not that I am hoping he would) and each time I have visited the doctors have given him a different time frame, 2 months, until Christmas, 1 year, etc.
Do what you FEEL is right? Having a partner now who knows about the situation might help you bear the brunt of the loss.
I doubt your relative wants you to put your life on hold for them and would be more than happy to know that you've managed to find happiness despite their passing
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 March 2014):
 My mother died when I was 35. But she was ill so we had nearly a year to emotionally be preparing for this. While it might seem odd to folks, you are already mourning your loss. (and for that I am sorry)
DO NOT SET time frames for yourself... if you meet someone and it clicks then enjoy.
I hope you are receiving grief counseling. It truly helps folks.
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