A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now, things have been going great for the most part. I love her a lot, she loves me, but I feel like she doesn't always take mine or my family's feelings into consideration.We rarely fight, but thats just because if I ever try to stand up for myself or my family, she gets very upset and shuts herself out. To be honest it's annoying to not be able to have a mature conversation with her about a problem, anyone have any advice? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 February 2010):
 "Sweeheart, there's something I want to discuss with you and I hope we can work on this together. Sometimes when I want to discuss problems with the family, I feel that you seem to shut me out and refuse to discuss it. It's frustrating me to feel that I can talk about this with you. I really want to find a way that we can talk about things and I was wondering if you'd like to work on this with me."
You must both listen to each other, rephrase the other's problem and repeat it back, so that you are sure you understand each other's perspective. You have to refrain from mentally starting a response before the other person has finished speaking, as that means you are not listening.
Use sentence that begin with "I", like "I feel..." "I sense...", NOT "you make me feel..." or "you always do...."
You are not allowed to use superlatives, such as "always" or "never" or "worst". You may not bring up old resolved issues to pile onto this one.
This will take practice, you will not get it right the first time. You must go into the discussion with a gentle attitude, not defensive, not offensive, but open and genuinely interested in trying to understand the problem you both have created together, so that you can both tackle it. Remember that a sense of humor is a great asset in this, as long as you are not laughing AT each other but WITH each other. Think of it as the two of you, side by side, studying the issue, which is out there in front of you both; rather than as a confrontation between the two of you. Get her on your side to address the issue first.
So practice an opening sentence here and some sentences that will convey how you are feeling to her and we can critique them if you'd like.
I have written about fighting fair before here; I'll see if I can dig up a link or two.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (5 February 2010):
 If the two of you can't sit down, talk and have a mature conversation, I wouldn't say that there is a lot of hope for the relationship. If she wants to walk away or block you every time something comes up, she doesn't sound like good long term material. Rethink things before you get in any deeper.
...............................
A
female
reader, lil ladyy  +, writes (5 February 2010):
 talk to her and tell her how you feel but when you do do it soo it don't look like you'r not on her side or something and make sure she dont feel uncomfortable because taht would make it worse just do it nicely and stuff because your going to have to talk about stuff like this soooner or later if your going to last hop ei helped ... x
...............................
|
