A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry up front for the long post. I have a lot on my mind and this is as short as I could possibly make it.I'm having trouble trusting my girlfriend lately and frankly, as things stand now, I have a strong urge to break up with her. We've been together for a bit over a year and have been living together almost from day one. At first, things were great. We'd spend heaps of time together, whether just at home together or going out to dinner, movies, to pubs and clubs, you name it! Occasionally we'd go out separately, with our own groups of friends. I was truly happy and so was she.In the last three to four months things have changed.She met a new best friend (female) a few months back and things haven't been the same since. This friend apparently got out of a long-term relationship, needed some support, etc. So my girlfriend would spend most of her evenings after work at her friend's house. I went there a couple of time too and I've grown to dislike her. This friend drinks a lot of whiskey, on a daily basis, can be quite rude and she gives me the impression that she is quite promiscuous. The three of us went out together one night and at the end of the night I found myself back at the friend's house with eight other guys she had just met at the club... one of which she shared her bed with that night.Worst thing was that that night my girlfriend didn't want to come home together with me at the end of the night. She was drunk. We had an argument and I ended up leaving for home alone (stupid, I know, I should never have left two drunk women alone with eight strange men...) and went back to the friend's house the next day around 10 a.m. to find my girlfriend passed out on the floor before I woke her up and took her home. Pretty sure she didn't do anything stupid, but still... This was the first in a series of, in my eyes, unpleasant events.It seemed I couldn't get around the friend. Either my girlfriend was at her place or, after I asked her to spend more time with me, she would, but 99% accompanied with the friend. Hated it...The two of them went out together more and more often without me. Several times my girlfriend wouldn't tell me or notify me and I had to find out that she went to this or that place together with her friend when I called her to ask when she would be home, mostly around 11:30 p.m. on a weeknight. Or, I was at her friend's place too, but had some work to do, so went home earlier. My girlfriend would tell me she'd call me when she wanted me to pick her up. Then, around 10 p.m., having not received any calls, I went back to the friend's house to see how they were doing and found an empty house. After six calls, my girlfriend would pick up and casually tell me that they decided to go to another friend, who lives like two hours away, and probably wouldn't be home before dawn.This kept going for a while and as time progressed, she'd come home later and later and, eventually, about every other week or so wouldn't come home at all for a night. I'd wake up at 6:30 a.m., worried as hell, in an empty bed. No calls, no texts, no nothing. Excuses for this range from I went out with my friends and was too drunk to go home, I had an emergency family meeting at my aunt's house or my friend and I sold some homemade desserts at a night market... Some of these I could live with, if she would at least let me know that she wouldn't be coming home that night so I wouldn't have to be worried out of my mind.Could just be me, but when you live together with a partner, the least you can do is spend one minute of your time to notify them of your plans and whereabouts.Each time this would happen, I would get angry, we'd have an argument, she'd say she was sorry and would never do I again... until it would happen again a week or so later.I am totally fed up.In the last three weeks I have threatened to leave her if she would continue doing these kinds of things at least twice seriously. The first time, she did it again a week later. We had another argument and she went to stay at her mom's house for almost a week, unrelated according to her. I hate it when she just doesn't come home. Time and time again I have asked her that if she feels it is necessary to not come home, at least let me know. She doesn't. According to her because she's worried I'll complain and insist she spend the night at home.Whenever we fight, even if I seem determined to break it off, she seems so desperate and sad and loving and caring that I just don't have the heart to break it off. I keep giving her new chances, she keeps doing the same thing. I feel like I'm stuck. I just keep telling myself that this time it will be different. Things will go back to normal and the way they were before she met this... friend. But time and time again, my girlfriend proves me wrong. Lately she has spent less time at her friend's house, that why i keep hoping things will settle and eventually go back to normal.There have also been other small suspicious behaviors, like changing stories about where she was, quickly closing her MSN window as I walk into the room, lying about whether she took pictures when she went out a night or on a weekend to her mom..., etc. Most of these I dismiss as my own general paranoia since I have been more than suspicious since this whole business started . But, when she keeps behaving this way, seemingly insignificant things can start to seem very sketchy.So, I really don't know what to do. All I know is that I don't want to hurt her, but this relationship is causing me so much stress that I can't think straight. If she keeps doing these things, it's very hard for me to trust her. I feel like I have given her the benefit of the doubt often enough. I love her to bits and each time I try to talk to her, she reassures me that she loves me and that she's not doing anything wrong when she's out and that she won't do it again... Yet, she keeps on doing it, despite her knowing it hurts me.What should I do?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2011): Been there, done that...boot her to the curb. Never let anyone play with your emotions. Move on
A
female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Wow. This sounds IDENTICAL to what my fiance went through with his ex. They were on-and-off for about two years, and everytime she'd want him back and he wouldn't take her, she'd threaten suicide. She was big into partying, drugs, drinking, and promiscuous sex. Everytime he'd take her back she'd promise to change her ways, but then slip right back into them. When he finally ended things for good, she freaked out, and sliced her arm open with a bread knife. He got her help, but then didn't look back. She then started blowing up his phone with texts and calls, begging for him back and saying she was sorry. Only a month later she was pregnant with another guy's baby, and claimed that it was my fiance's. When the blood tests proved it wasn't his, he never spoke to her again. She's now a single mother as the father of her child has left her, and she still parties, does drugs, drinks, smokes cigarettes, etc.
If she's claimed she will change before and hasn't for more than a week or so, she's not going to change now. Please don't go back to her. It will only keep you going in this vicious cycle that you want to escape for good. Just cut all contact. Tell her not to call you or text you. Tell her that she needs to get her issues worked out that she has with herself before she can learn to make you happy. Especially if she's going to do something as ridiculous and psychotic as threaten to cut herself, and then the next morning fawn all over you as if nothing even happened. That's definitely a red flag that she's got some mental issues, and that she needs to seek help.
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A
female
reader, GeeGee255 +, writes (10 March 2011):
 Ok you got what you wanted your old girlfriend back the way she way before the new friend. So unless it is too late and you no longer love her why not just stay with her and see how it goes?
Is she starts to go back to her old ways again with the friend then go ahead and end it. But if she doesn't why can't you just move on and put it behind you?
Maybe your threat of breaking up with her for good was the wake up call she needed.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much to everyone who replied. Your answers were really helpful. This has been something that has been going on for too long already. I have talked about it/vented to some of my friends and they all gave similar responses. But, as they say, whenever your relationship is in trouble you should never trust your friends, as they are quick to suggest a breakup so they don't get caught in the drama. Sometimes you just need an outsider's perspective to get your own mind back on track.
After reading your responses and thinking about it carefully (I went for a two hour walk after dinner) I decided to initiate a breakup. We talked for about three hours I think. During that time I carefully tried to remain tactful and simply explained to her that I think we need something else in our lives right now. I need a committed partner who I can depend on and is there for me and she needs an amount of freedom to do whatever she wishes that I cannot provide her with. A whole lot of other stuff was discussed, but through it all I refrained from being either rude, loud, angry, bitter, bitchy and other negative emotional states one can go through at such a moment.
After all was said and done, I think it really sank in on her side and she completely freaked out. And I mean completely!
She cried, she yelled, she grabbed a knife out of the cupboard and threatened to slice her wrists (I don't think she actually would go through with it. She has never been depressed, suicidal or otherwise mentally ill as far as I've noticed. It's Probably just a scare tactic/attempt at emotional blackmail. But I wrestled it out of her hands and held her down just in case...), she hit the wall, slapped herself in the face, had what seemed to be an epileptic seizure (ye t it ended as soon as I mentioned I'd take her to the hospital and she assured me she was fine...)and finally became completely apathetic, just laying on the bed chanting over and over that she loves me and can't live without me. I tried to comfort her as much as I possibly could. I've read the advice that you shouldn't give in no matter how big of a fit your soon to be ex-partner throws, but Damn! That is hard... In the end I just held her until she calmed down and didn't respond to any of her pleas or questions.
It was already late at night at that time and I just decided to get some sleep. I was drained. Too tired to fight. So, just when I thought it was over, she suddenly shifts into complete denial. She starts acting really sweet, starts hugging me, kissing me, etc. I just told her good night and went off to dreamland, which took about 5 seconds...
This morning, I wake up to her completely hugging me tightly. Probably did that all night. And when she noticed I was awake, she acted totally normal, as if nothing ever happened. She even tried to initiate sex, which she rarely does, which I refused. I can't knowingly sleep with someone I am attempting to break up with. She didn't make a scene out of it and was really calm and sweet, went through her normal morning routine... Then she calls me to have lunch with her in the afternoon and how she canceled lunch with her friend (Yes, THAT friend) just to be with me and how she knows I don't like her and she's telling me about all these plans she has and what she wants to do the rest of the week and all those things included me in them. This confuses me even more.
I know this is probably just a last attempt to get me to see her sweet side and to get me to change my mind. I was hoping for a clean break, but I fear this thing is going to drag out for a long time and maybe even turn ugly. Maybe I should just give her some time to get used to the idea while remaining as unavailable to her as possible so she sees I am already detached?
Any advice would greatly be appreciated.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (8 March 2011):
Hmm... It seems that your girlfriend is living the single life vicariously through her single friend, while still holding onto the idea of a serious relationship should she want one. Obviously threatening to break up with her isn't the trick. You've seen the result of this action many times, and it hasn't changed.
You need to pack up your things, and go stay at a relative's or a friend's house for a while. Let her know that her actions and behaviors aren't going unnoticed, and certainly won't be tolerated. Let her know that you're taking a break with her for a while (no time frame), and tell her not to contact you for any reason until you've had time to analyze your relationship with her and find out if it's really worth all the mental and emotional turmoil she's putting you through. Then do not call her, text her, Facebook her, e-mail her - nothing.
She's not going to change her ways if you don't put your foot down. She keeps doing it because she knows she can get away with it. She can keep going out and dancing the single-woman's dance (bar-hopping, clubbing, flirting with strange men, staying out all hours of the night), but she knows that she can return home to you at any time and you'll be waiting for her with open arms. And on the other side of that token, she can get sick of the single scene at any time and come crawling back to you because she knows you're committed to her. Not a fair situation.
I can tell you that if my fiance were to go out and act a fool and never text me even in the wee hours of the morning after not being home all night, he would be out the door and that would be that. The reason she doesn't text you isn't because she doesn't want to be hassled to come home, it's because she knows she's out somewhere and doing something that you wouldn't approve of or be happy with. Out of sight and conscience, out of mind.
And just because she's not going out with this friend as much doesn't mean she's going to change her ways. Like I said, this friend is probably just an excuse for her to get out and be single without getting out alone so that you'll worry. If she were going out without this friend and wound up at some place with eight strange men, refusing to go home with you, that would be grounds for a dumping right then and there. You need to be firm with her and break up with her. If she wants to act like a single girl, go ahead and let her be single. I know it will hurt, but you're not happy with her right now, so there's really no point in you staying while she goes out and makes an idiot of herself and of your relationship. Really take a look at what she's doing, and you'll see that it's not just something she's going to be willing to give up if you don't make her pay for her actions. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): A threat is not a threat unless the penalty you threaten is actually carried out at the end. By now you've heard all the excuses, you noted how she behaves when she's out, quite simply inform her that this behavior is not to continue or she is out and leave it at that. The next time she goes out without telling you, stays out all night etc etc don't call her up, just leave it, pack her bags and when she comes home tell her its over. You can only deal with childish and selfish behaviour up to a point, and its really not worth the hassle, staying up at night wondering if she's having sex with someone else. Either she grows up or gets out of your life, she's in a comfort zone because she knows when it is all said and done you will take her back, where is her incentive to change? Think of yourself for once and do right by yourself, respect is a two way street, if you're not being shown any then your just a doormat, and when she finds someone she does respect, she won't hesitate to leave you. Be strong and good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): Perhaps I'm bias in my reply coz I'm havin issues of my own, however, I can relate to your situation. Based on your story it appears that your gf is still immature and doesn't hold the relationship in high esteem. I would have ended it coz u have given her a fair share of chances. Time to move on and thank your lucky stars you not yet married coz leaving her would not have been easy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): Your girlfriend's behaviour is completely unacceptable. She is not showing you any respect nor is she showing any sign of common courtesy. Not knowing where your partner who you live with is not normal. It is unfair for you to be worried about her whereabouts because she cannot be bothered to tell you where or what she is doing. She has no consideration for you at all and when you tell her how you feel, she does it again repeatedly - so she either doesn't see her behaviour as being a big deal, and/or she does't care. To not know where she is during the night is not a good sign - it creates worry - whether that's because you think she may be up to no good, or whether you are worried she could be in an accident, lying dead somewhere etc! It sounds like she wants to experience this wild time with her newly signle friend with no responsibilty and no consequences. The fact she has you at home, but she gets to go out and meet other people and get drunk etc, sounds like she's not ready to commit to you in the way you deserve and should be treated. If it was the other way round, I'm sure she wouldn't accept it. I would have a very stern conversation with her and tell her if she does it again, you really are calling time on the relationship. However, if you do say this, you MUST stick to it, so only say it if you mean it. Otherwise, your word will carry no weight and she'll be off doing it again, knowing that you're always going to be around for her, however she behaves. Good luck and I hope it works out for you - whatever that may be. xx
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A
female
reader, cherryberrytrapeze  +, writes (8 March 2011):
Think about it this way - no matter how much you love your girlfriend, this sort of situation will remain an issue if she chooses to continue with this obnoxious behavior.
Granted, friends are necessary and when you need them they should be there for you - but this so-called friend, who you have described, seems to be nothing but a bad apple. This isn't someone you need in your life, and if you really want this relationship to work, you have to figure out a way to slowly make your girlfriend understand that this girl simply isn't a good enough "friend" for her. Cutting her out of your life quickly isn't going to work. Subtly pinpoint weaknesses and flaws in character this girl may have, or simply sacrifice the relationship altogether.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 March 2011): Hi there Hurts Me,
Love shouldn't hurt. Your woman is getting payback with someone she can go home to and so doesn't have to do the enevitable "lonely" times of a swinging lifestyle. As long as she can hold on to you, she has it all.
Don't allow yourself to be abused anymore. This won't change, and you will waste your time trying to change her.
Dump her now, use your time to recover yourself from this terrible abuse, and then find someone who loves you as much as you love her.
Have courage.
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