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female
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anonymous
writes:I don't know how to handle my grandmother. She says things just to annoy my husband and I.For example, she knows that it disgusts and annoys us when she says racist things and calls people things such as the "n" word, etc. (She and most of the rest of our family is white.) She even said that no "n's" should be at our wedding reception when she knows full well that one of my closest friends - I've known him for 7 years now - is african-american! She also says things about other races, as well, when she knows that my husband has a latino background.She even told me she used to go to KKK meetings when she was younger!! I just found out that bit of information about a month ago and it thoroughly disgusted and horrified me. (How can people be so ignorant?! I don't understand!!) When I asked her why, she just laughed and said she thought it was funny, because when she went she brought a half Puerto Rican / half African American with her without saying where they were going! The the "friend" slipped out early and had to walk home, which my grandmother found hilarious. WTF! How SICK is that?!?! UGH!!!!The thing is, even though we know she says things just to annoy us, we can't help but react to what she's saying. I don't feel right just ignoring her and changing the subject when she says such dispicable things. I feel that's worse than getting into a discussion, which ultimately leads to arguments.She also always says something about my husband's appearance and compares him to me. For example, she'll say "Oh, Anna, you look *so* pretty! And Mike looks two sheets to the wind. What, did he go out and get drunk last night??"She does this all the time and it really annoys me and hurts me that she can be so callous. I - and several of my family members - have tried to tell her to stop commenting on Mike's appearance, but she doesn't.I don't know what to do. Do I just ignore her mean streak? Should I stop visiting her? I don't want to cause a rift in the family, but I always feel extremely frustrated and like total crap after seeing her.(Most of my family has just decided to ignore her hurtful comments - the others are being ignored by her because she doesn't like their "attitude" towards her. I'm actually really surprisedd I'm still not ignored by her - she shunned me for 5 years in the past, but for some reason started talking with me again. Don't know why. Don't want to ask, as I think it would start a fight b/c I think she may accuse me of things I didn't do.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi anonymous and thanks for your answer, as well. Well, the part about it is that I cannot pretend something such as rasism is funny. It is too serious of a matter to me, and I would feel disgusting acting as if it didn't bother me to hear such deragatory remarks aimed at certain people just because of their ethnicities/skin color.
You said "when your dear grandmother has passed away you will wonder why you let it get to you so much." I honestly don't think that's the case. I'm letting it get to me because it's against everything that I believe and it's personally damaging to me, my husband and my friends.
"Live your life and celebrate the fact that people live offer much greater diversity and kindness these days." That is one thing that I will do, though! But I can't celebrate the 'diversity' that is stated through racist remarks of ignorant people, regardless of their connection to me. (I know this is not what you meant by this statement, but I felt I needed to make this point.)
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Just a quick update from last night: I've spoken with my husband about leaving the minute that she starts attacking him and he thought it sounded like an excellent plan. (Although he seemed to like Danielepew's advice the best!)
Thanks again to everyone!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Hi - your grandmother is out of touch with life and has very old views. Firstly - forgive her for this as she is just an old lady. I think you are giving her, and this issue, too much of your energy thus drawing attention to it and giving her and the issue the emotion she wants you to feel. You will feel more in control by treating it with humour and a neutrality that leaves her with no where to go with her comments. She wants it to get to you but surely you can see that you are letting it. If you just laugh at her she will be confused at your response and be disappointed that its not working. Override your annoyance. I am going to be harsh here but when your dear grandmother has passed away you will wonder why you let it get to you so much. Live your life and celebrate the fact that people live offer much greater diversity and kindness these days.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh! I just saw baby duck's answer: you said "When she continues, you do whatever you and Mike have agreed to do before hand ... leaving the area, whatever. The key is to be consistent." Exactly - I'm actually going to go talk with my husband about it right now.
You also said "Your goal is to protect you and Mike. You will be setting a fine example for everyone else, as well. Perhaps it will be contagious." I hope it would be contagious. My cousin visits my grandmother's house more often than I do. Her husband has Native American in his background (we're a diverse family! :) ) so I can imagine he's felt her wrath before. She doesn't seem to tolerate people who are not white. Hopefully my cousin will realize she doesn't have to subject her side of the family to this nonsense, either. I will have to talk with her about it, as well.
Surprisingly, I've never heard of Teaching Tolerance before. Thank you so much for the recommendation; I'm going to look it up as soon as I get a chance!
Thank you very much, baby duck (btw, your userpic is so cute!!)
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello guys and thanks so much for taking the time to give me your thoughts!
Daniel - Oh, you don't know how many times I've been that close to saying things like that to her; I actually did tell her to go to hell (and then some!) one time, about 5 years ago, when we were in a very public place. Then I just walked away and we didn't speak for about 3 years. It was actually quite nice, not talking with her, but my mother was upset because we weren't talking.
My husband is very smart, though, and can actually remain calm (somehow!) when my grandmother says nasty things. He will argue with her scientifically - bring up biological studies and social studies that have been conducted by well established organizations and universities comparing all races - and it temporarily stops her in her tracks...until the next time we get together. But, he is very sensitive and what she says really does bother him. (It would bother anyone, in my opinion.)
You ask, "If she doesn't like your husband or your friends, why do they have to respect her or even be in the same room as she is?" Up until now, it has just been to keep the peace in the family. But now I can't - won't - tolerate it any longer.
Phiatiger - I am going to take your advice and leave the next time she says anything deragatory about anyone or any race.
Anonymous reader - I have ignored my grandmother before, and she just antagonized me and my husband more. I wish it were that easy. So that's why I decided to respond back to her, but neither of those seems to work. The thing with ignorning her, though, is that we still remained in the same room as her. You say to be the better person. I think this is a great point! And I think to do that, I need to put my husband first and think about his feelings - so that means we'll be leaving when she starts acting up again.
Jammer - "No offence but truely ignorant people ike her should rot in hell." If I believed in a hell, then I might agree with you. Until then, I think that for now she may be living in her own hell if she is this appalled by the different races living around her. You also said "Just because shes your nan doesnt mean you have to live her her BS." I completely agree with you!
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Again, I want to thank you all so much for writing and answering back to my post! It really helped to hear all of your viewpoints and to know I wouldn't be a bad person for not wanting to be around my mean-hearted grandmother. This really helps me so, so much. Thank you!!!
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reader, Jamer70  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 i agree with Danielepew.
I know you should really love and respect your family buy she hasnt done it for you or the people you love. Just because shes your nan doesnt mean you have to live her her BS. Shes living in the 1930s and needs to move on and until she does she doesnt deserve your respect. No offence but truely ignorant people ike her should rot in hell
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): She is probably just a frustrated person. And also probably grew up in an environment where it was ok to hate for no reason. I understand too how it can be hard to confront your own grandma. Cause on the one hand you feel like you should respect her but on the other hand your grandma is showing you and your husband no respect. I guess I would avoid her if I were you. I mean you don't want to hurt your husbands feelings. After all he may get offended but not really tell you. And your grandma's not going to change. That is learned behavior and she doesn't know any better. And you know that your husband is a good guy and that there is nothing wrong with his color. As long as your grandma can't influence people and basically holds her opinion alone, that is the most important thing. You can't apologize for the family you were born into but you can be the better person. So just ignore her for your husbands sake and don't pay attention to her for your own sake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): sorry to say it but your nan is really sad, I think she has forgotten that time has moved on from the 1930's.The things that she says are disgusting and ignorant, I am white but I have friends of all different race and religion, in this day and age things like that shouldn't matter.In response to your question, what can you do? She has a right to her own opinion, but she has no right to make you feel bad about yours. I would like to say avoid her but obviously if anything happened you would feel bad. Perhaps one way of tackling her could be to continue to visit but the second she makes a remark say 'come on lets go, im not standing for this' and leave, eventually she will get that its her thats missing out. Don't feel bad about it as long as you are happy together, noone else matters. x
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 I'm Latino, so I'm biased against your granny. But, I think I can give you a short, effective way to cope with her. Why don't you send her to hell? Why do you have to tolerate her crap? If she doesn't like your husband or your friends, why do they have to respect her or even be in the same room as she is?
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