A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been living with my girlfriend for a couple of years now. About a year ago she developed a condition which makes it too painful for her to have sex. The doctors can't offer any hope that she'll ever recover.Meanwhile I'm finding myself increasingly frustrated. Going a week without sex has been difficult for me in the past, and yet I find myself in the horrible situation where I've not had sex in over a year and it's got me really on edge!! Seriously!!Sure, I can masturbate, and I do, but that's not as fulfilling as having sex with someone. Also my gf is no longer interested in sexual activity of any kind.Freaky thing is, I have close friendships with some very attractive girls. I keep them at arm's length but I feel I could easily weaken and pull them closer. If some girl - any girl - were to come on to me, I think I'd just crumble and follow my heart. I already flirt.I'm quite torn. My gf gets upset if I try to talk about our sexual problems.I feel like I'm "damned if I do, damned if I don't".Any advice?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): (I'm the guy who asked the question...)
Hi thanks for your replies, even the one that seems quite angry.
Hmmm do I "give men a bad name"? Browsing around this forum there seems to be a lot worse going on than staying with your gf to support her through a tough time, despite your own unhappiness.
Yes, perhaps my flirting indicates that I don't really love my girlfriend enough, although other discussions on this forum seem to say that guys and girls normally flirt even when things are going okay. Perhaps I shouldn't worry so much about it.
"If you love her then you will be there for her regardless of the situation"
I guess that's why I'm asking questions here, to check whether everyone agrees that situations are irrelevant.
"dont start releieving yourself with a prostitue who could possibly give you a STI, THEN YOUR DICK WONT WORK"
I was referring to a legal prostitute in a legal brothel, not some random illegal street-walker. Only SAFE SEX of course!! Anyway it was just one random brainstorming idea.
Do you think I should perhaps get some form of chemical castration so that I no longer have my sex drive? Despite frequent masturbation, I've started having quite sexual dreams and I think it might not be long until I start having wet dreams again. Maybe girls and guys are different - my sex drive is not some amusing hobby I can set aside when it's inconvenient - when unfulfilled, it plays upon my mind and I am stressed by it.
"if you cant take it, then break up with her!"
"GROW UP!!!!! Before you loose her because of your selfish reasons."
Yes, breaking up with her is definitely an option "on the table", maybe it's actually the best option ... but I'd like to see what other suggestions are out there.
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Re: sex-therapist and vaginismus.
Yes I'm aware of vaginismus, I think that's a bit more common than vestibulitis, though your comments about memory of pain could be relevant. She has been to several rounds of expensive experts and she has been prescribed medicines and therapy, but neither appear to be helping. Apparently it's not all psycho-somatic, she does have some recurring internal scarring of unknown origin, possibly thrush turned savage.
Thanks for the name of that therapist, will see if her site can help.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): Get a grip of yourself, focus your penis on anyother activity, men are such dicks, why must you flirt? why must you think about yourself? your girlfirend is probbaly feeling down, and insecure, lonely probably knows that you are feeling fustrated but what can she do? first sign of struggle you guys resort to cheating. If you love her then you will be there for her regardless of the situation, if your penis stopped working, how would you feel if the person who said they loved you was thinknig the way you were? if you cant take it, then break up with her! dont start releieving yourself with a prostitue who could possibly give you a STI, THEN YOUR DICK WONT WORK. Do be a coward be a man!!! your 30-35 so your getting older your not a young little boy are you? you will feel A fraction her pain, the day you will have to take viagra in order to statisfy someone.You give men a bad name, YOUR G/F IS FEELING DEVASTATED, STRIPPED OF HER SEXUALITY, RATHER THAN THINKING ABOUT YOUR PLEASURE WORK ON OPENING HER UP, WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP, TALK TO HER, SPOIL HER SILLY LET HER KNOW U LOVE HER THE NSHE MIGHT REPAY YOU THE FAVOUR AND SUCK YOUR DICK ONCE AN A WHILE!!!! GROW UP!!!!! Before you loose her because of your selfish reasons. Pathetic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I provided you with an answer before but I want to suggest a sex therapist to you again. My partner and I visited one because of his sexual dysfunction, but once in my life I had vaginismus (I think that is what it is called when it is painful and you clamp shut with muscle spasm). The mental and physical overlap is an incredibly important one to address. I thought of an analogy for it. Lots of people get whiplash in the neck following a car accident. No damage can be seen on scans but for some reason the body retains a memory of the trauma and the pain and that it must proect that area. Nerve ends become much too sensitive and alert. You partner may not have had a big incident or accident relating to her sexuality but the discomfort and worry of pain can be self fulfilling. Once she has had pain she could expect it, fear it and cause it to happen again. This phenomenon is recognised and is not invented by people trying to be difficult. The therapist we used is called Victoria Lehmann and you could Google her website. Although she is UK based, you can get a feel for the sort of help that you can get. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Hi, I'm the guy who asked the question...
some responses:
The condition she's got is one of those terrible ones where there are too many blanks - they don't know how it starts, how to cure it etc. They just try things and hope it works, but nothing has. She's openly shared the information she has with me, just there are no answers. It appears to be a form of Vestibulitis/Vulvodynia. But this is one of those "ideopathic" conditions that they refer to when they don't know what else it could be.
"how demoralising to your girlfriend saying you'll sleep with any girl to fulfil your sexual pleasure, why not take a tenner and pick up a prostitute,"
Obviously I don't tell my gf that because it's insensitive ... but that feels like I'm keeping the truth from her. I have considered prostitutes, they're legal where I live, but it would have to be a secret.
"Can't she do anal? Or give you oral sex at least?? Just because she can't have sex deosn't mean that she wouldn't want to make you happy. If she loves you it just seems natural. Unless it hurts her feelings that she can't actually make love to you, and that's a possibility."
Yes I think this is exactly it. I think she's depressed that she can't have normal sex and that totally puts her off the idea of having one-sided-sex merely to please me. I think I would also be put off by making sex a chore for her.
Maybe depressed is too strong a word, perhaps it's more that she would prefer to pretend that sex doesn't exist in the world anymore. She has been offered counselling but hasn't taken it.
"there's no law preventing you from not seeing these very attractive girls"
This world seems to have attractive girls everywhere I look. Sure I could get rid of these friends, but I run into new ones all the time. Perhaps they wouldn't look so sexy if I was in a sexual relationship.... I dunno ...
Certainly I don't want to be seen as a bastard who dumps a sick girl - I know I should be nice and supportive ... but maybe that means I will never ever have sex again in my life ... I feel way too young for that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Hi sorry to hear you are frustrated..you didn't actually say what it she has. Maybe if you became closer together in a loving touching way she may open up and talk to you about it. There are other ways of pleasing each other than intercourse. The male of the species tends to feel it necssary to have sex, we prefer caressing, stroking lights down dim and tenderness qhen we are vulnerable and time is paramount.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): You need to either tell her that you need to be accommodated or you're going to have to leave. Do not cheat on her though. That would hurt her more than anything that you went behind her back & got something that she can't give you b/c of her condition. Can't she do anal? Or give you oral sex at least?? Just because she can't have sex deosn't mean that she wouldn't want to make you happy. If she loves you it just seems natural. Unless it hurts her feelings that she can't actually make love to you, and that's a possibility. Either way, she needs to hear you out.
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A
female
reader, stina  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 Hi there anonymous,
One of my friends suffered for years with a problem where her uterin lining grew outside of her and because of this caused an ongoing period that lasted as long as she had the disease. I'm not sure if her problem ever cleared up, but I remember she was extremely touchy about the subject and didn't want to talk about anything to do with sex. How do I know? Because she complained to me that her boyfriend wanted to talk about it, but that she was so frustrated with her problem and that it made her feel so bad about herself and the relationship, she didn't want to talk about it at all. Maybe this is how your girlfriend is feeling (?).
Have you and your girlfriend ever thought about attending couples counseling? Has she been to counseling on her own to help her deal with this terrible side effect? You might want to try and talk with her about it. But I would make her extra comfortable and try to get her in the best mood possible by letting her know that you really care about her. Maybe be extra sweet the day that you want to bring everything up. Perhaps you could make her her favorite dinner and - if possible - have a candle-lit bath together. ^_^ Then afterward, you can talk about how you really care about her (it seems like you do, you're just frustrated!) and care about what's going on in her life. Then talk about your relationship and how much it means to you. And try to bring up your sex life in terms of how it makes HER feel. Try to be a bit selfless, as this is probably driving her crazy, too. But the difference between you and her is that you *do* and *can* want to have sex, while it's not the same for her.
I guess what I'm saying is that you should try to really, really work things out if you feel you could have a future with her. Otherwise, it may hurt worse because she could feel as though you've kicked her while she's down.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): If your happiness is erroding due to lack of intimacy and trust-it's just not there as she can't sacrifice her ego to openly involve you and you now doubt her- is this a healthy adult relationship?
You already know it is unbalanced- and it sounds more like an abusive dynamic.
Why stay? Especially if you feel you will be unfaithful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): There are some inflammatory skin conditions that cause this problem. It can be like chronic excema or contact dermatitis and must be extremely upsetting. I think you need to talk to her and not let her make you shut up. This affects your life and future as much as it does her. This subject needs to be explored so you can find a specialist in this problem or look at alternatives such as consultants in allergy and/or a sex therapist. HAVE all the options been explored? What if she is allergic to chemical substances that are found everywhere. It is an increasing problem. Sex therapists (good ones) usually have the best contacts and work alongside medical experts. If I were her I would not take the diagnosis as a life sentence easily. NO way!
There is no way you could be expected to give up sex forever. What about kids? It would be reason enough to leave alone. You obvisouly love her but if she will not at least include you in this struggle I don't see how you can stay. Work out if there is a future before moving on to another girl. Finish with her if you must, which I can see you may be the only reasonable thing, then find another. There is no reason to add to her pain by being unfaithful. You are kind and a good person to stick by her so long just remember that you have to have a life yourself. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (24 September 2007):
 I agree with philatiger, I've been around a long time and I've never heard of your girlfriend's condition. Of course I'm not a doctor but the fact that she is not willing to accommodate you in any way sexually or even talk about it makes it highly suspicious to me. I think you do need to sit down with her and spell it out. You have needs that are simply not being met. If you guys can't reach a mutually agreeable solution then I think it's time to separate and move on.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 following your heart would be cheating, i think that's following your head because surely your heat belongs to your girlfriend?
i appreciate your frustration and i'd imagine the reason your girlfriend has gone off sexual activity altogether is probably because she is a million more times frustrated as you are. only thing is, she risks loosing her boyfriend and there is no cure for her condition.
she needs your support and reassurance, so stop thinking about yourself and you're "needs" and help your girlfriend.
if you feel you can't be faithful and have the temptation all around you, get new friends. there's no law preventing you from not seeing these very attractive girls.
and how demoralising to your girlfriend saying you'll sleep with any girl to fulfil your sexual pleasure, why not take a tenner and pick up a prostitute, whatever you do, you'll feel guilty, you're girlfriend will get hurt and it won't be worth it.
give her time and she'll be able to talk about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I would be interested to know what your girlfriends problem is as I am unaware of any condition that would mean you had to cut out sex altogether. I think you are being denied your needs and its only natural that you start looking elsewhere and start feeling on edge about what may happen in an intense moment.As hard as it may be, if it is going to become a problem for you to stay faithful then you have to end this relationship. I know thats not going to make either of you feel great especially if the severity of her illness is as bad as she makes it out to be but she cant expect you to go without forever.I know what id do if my partner denied me for a year!
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