A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently met a older man (38) and Im 27. I am a bit of a rutt. He is incredibly sweet to me, dorky, handsome, secure job and apartment. But downside he is a bit like a manchild, abit of of a horder, collects disney toys, has a slight very light learning disability that may be undiagnosed adult aspergers but he is emotionally mature and self aware most times Ive met him. He also talks gently and quietly at times....this is hard because ive always been attracted to men who talks directly and assertively. Im not attracted to alpha males but voices for me ascertain how atrractive a man is. I love men balance with how assertive and open minded they are My question is how do u determine if someone is worth giving a chance or hanging your coat and going out there and meeting new men again ? Ive been most of my life as well and dating comes easily but i have been super selective. This new mam is handsome but we have been dating for 1.5 months, 8 dates and sex is already getting boring ( our first time was great but its been less so and so) and just a few days ago i realize i dont enjoy kissing hin much. several of his traits leave bad impression ( unclean apartment, smelling bad a few times, short attention span sometimes but its getting better, not very smiley or outwardly happy when i arrive but he says he enjoys me there and i wonder if hes just nervous when im around). Hes also once voiced to me he feels like people avoid him and wont talk to him so he def has some self esteem problems. But hes been a very sweet man, compliments me, pays attention to me when im there, honest, completely open and vulnerable... Im just not sure how to proceed. I also wish he spoke firmly and loudly, the low tones leaves me feeling conflictedI have had a tendency before to idealize men and only date nerdy handsome men but those have not worked out so im aware i want to change that. Im def not perfect as well But this situation is leaving me confused i just need a third opinion. Thank you for any help
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2017): Okay, I'm going to be the lone wolf here and say that is sexual chemistry really EVERYTHING? Everyone has to answer that question for themselves. Unfortunately for a lot of us we have to make compromises on SOMETHING. This is what I am discovering. I have had relationships with amazing chemistry but other problems (like bad tempers), or lukewarm chemistry, not that great kissing skills, but GREAT man who is sensitive and listens, is caring, and a lot like how you described. I know all these people are saying chemistry is huge, but really is it all that? Do they all have perfect relationships with perfect chemistry and good behaviour? I don't know. I haven't had the "whole package" so to speak. At this point in my life I am learning how to compromise, and perhaps that is what you may have to do as well. A caring man who is stable is what will make a good father (if you want kids) and a good marriage partner. Someone you can come home to every night and not bicker with.Over time, you might find yourself really falling in love with how caring this man is. Over time, you might come to value the stability and in fact your attraction will grow. I don't have all the answers as I am figuring similar situations out myself. But all I know is you can't really go wrong giving this thing a fair shot. See how you feel another couple of months down the line. What if no one as caring came along? Again a fact I am facing, but as we reach our 30s, hate to say it but it is harder and harder to find a good man that is unattached. As a postscript, yes it sounds a lot like he has mild Aspergers, which explains why he does not sound/look "happy" when indeed he is happy. Often people with mild Aspergers may give awkward responses and things like this, but they will usually be extremely devoted as you have described. You aren't getting any younger (that is just a fact). People who tell you life is a fairytale and you will get everything, perfect chemistry, perfect guy- let me tell you, as someone in my early 30s this is not realistic. Give it a go appreciating the wonderful qualities that he does have and see how you do. Sex becomes routine over time for many couples anyway... I wouldn't throw away a great man over that. Although I understand why you are tempted to.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 November 2017):
 OP, not much in your post tells me that you actually LIKE this guy on a deeper level. Sure he looks good on "paper" but you mention WAY more "flaws" (or on the "con" side of a "pro/con" list) than you mention good points.
You sound like the relationship has come to an end. You sound like you are settling by being with him and THAT won't last in the long run. It isn't fair to him OR to yourself.
BUT back to your original question - "how do u determine if someone is worth giving a chance?"
It all comes down to YOUR standard, YOUR needs and wants. If the person you are with would NEED to change in a MAJOR way, or lots of little ways or YOU would have to make MAJOR changes etc. then I think it's better to let it go. Because we ALL find change hard. And changing someone else? Not going to happen.
If there are minor issues that you CAN and WANT to live with - and can accept as being part of WHO he is then maybe there is something there to build on.
In your case though, there are a LOT of issues that might not get better, that doesn't "bode well" for cohabitation in the future, etc.
And it also sounds like you have made your mind up that you want to see what else is out there, that is why you have made the "list" of things on the "con" side.
What you have and what you want are NOT the same. You "got" a manchild, you want a man. You want a good sex life and you got "meeh". You want an assertive guy and you got a softspoken low self-esteem fella... I could go on. At some point, you will start to resent that he isn't what you want (not that it is his "fault") but that will lead to you either not treating HIM right or pulling away.
I think before you two get any further you need to take stock of what you have versus your own standards and expectations.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 November 2017):
 I get the impression from your post that you actually want to leave him but feel guilty for feeling that way because, for some reason, you feel like you shouldn't. Am I right? He tries to make you happy, so you feel like you are obliged to BE happy?
Can you see yourself with this man in 6 months, 6 years or 26 years? How does the thought of that make you feel? I am guessing the thought of that makes your heart sink.
His low self esteem or undiagnosed learning abilities are not your problem. You do not have to feel responsible for him. That fact that sex is already losing its sparkle and that you have problems with his hygiene is a big red flag.
I think you have already realized you are not a good match, in which case you need to end things cleanly but kindly and move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2017): The success of a relationship depends on the chemistry. Things should progress to form an emotional-bonding between you.
Kissing and intimacy are major components in forming a romance. So that gets an "X!"
If you're not looking for anything long-term, and you just like dating; that should be a clear understanding between you from the very start.
Mutual-attraction is necessary in forming a romantic-connection. Sometimes you can tell it won't work on the first date. Trust your instincts.
If you're losing-interest, what are you holding on for?
You don't lead a guy on just because you feel sorry for him; or don't want to hurt his feelings. Be honest.
You've given it a chance, and you don't see it getting any better. Don't let him play on your sympathies by telling you a sob-story. He's smelly, and sloppy. Two more X's!
He's an adult, so treat him like a man.
You surely listed a bunch of red-flags! You're looking for a match. So where does he match?
Cleanliness, hygiene, and good personal-habits should be a major deciding-factor, or a deal-breaker. Messy men need mamas, maids, and housekeepers. Not girlfriends! You're not looking for a job! He's not a stray or a rescue dog you take home and clean-up!
You gave a string of things you find wrong with the guy. If you find more things wrong with a guy than you can find that's right for you; it's just common-sense. You end it quickly so he doesn't feel lead-on or gets too attached.
Let him down easy. Nobody says you have to be rude or cold about it. Just don't lead him on.
If he or any guy doesn't create and maintain a working chemistry, you end it. Practice letting a guy down easy; instead of waiting for things to get so bad you have to go hard and kick him to the curb. Part on good terms.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2017): You have not been together that long.You say the spark is out of your sex life.Your feelings have changed towards him.Read your letter that is what you are saying.Do not stay with him just to be with someone.You two do not match and you know what? That is ok.Let him go and date other people.Do not get serious too fast take your time.You really do not want to be with him do not let his problems guilt you into staying with him.Go be free and enjoy life again.
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