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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm just curious as to what others think about this situation or if anyone else has had a similar problem. I'm 23 and I've never dated nor been in a relationship (and therefore obviously a virgin), but that is mainly by choice as I have no desire to date or commit to a relationship and honestly I'm very content being in my own company. I feel like you should at least want a relationship if you're going to put yourself out there as available. I'm more interested in letting things happen naturally. If someone approaches me and wants to get to know me than I'll go along, but it just hasn't happened yet and that's fine with me.The problem is that no matter how many times I tell this to my mom, that I'm happy and don't want to date she says that I can't be alone forever and that I need to date. And the big kicker: "I want grandkids!"See, my older brother was the one who was constantly dating and closer to having a kid than I've ever been, however he committed suicide a year ago. Thus the task of providing grandchildren has fallen to me. The more my mom brings it up the more I feel like I'm obliged to force myself to start dating simply to lead to a future family. My parents ARE getting older and may not be around if health problems arise. And even my dad has jokingly mentioned grandkids which he's never done before. I guess I'm wondering if I'm being selfish by not going out and dating? I know my parents want grandchildren but I don't even know if I WANT kids. I've told my mom that when I feel financially stable and ready (I'm currently paying off school loans), that perhaps I'll adopt a child but she doesn't seem content with that answer. Besides the desire for a grandchild, she is convinced that I'll be alone forever simply because I'm not actively dating right now. What should I be doing?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 December 2017):
 I am sorry for the loss off your brother, I am sure that has hit all the family very hard. However you are still only young and you should not be rushing to have children especially since you don't even have a boyfriend yet. Most parents can't want to have grandchildren, but you just need to tell them like it is, be straight and say you are not ready to date or have children and that it is your life and your choice. You are still quite young so don't feel pressurized in to it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2017): Hi, dont live for your parents!
They had there life now you have yours!
Its your life you do what you wish!
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (27 November 2017):
My mom pushed heavily for grand kids early on, putting pressure on my brother and me, like your mom has done with you. I was absorbed - extremely focused - early on in academics, career and other interests. And her pressure on me to provide grandkids drove both my brother and me away from the idea of having children. So my mom never got her grandkids. Not a one.
You are being selfish but in a positive way...looking out for your own best interest. You are happy being on your own...your mom is being selfish in a negative way by wanting you to change your life in a major way for her benefit. You really shouldn't be bringing children into this world if it is solely for your mom's benefit. She doesn't have to pay their expenses or be there for them the next 20 years, 24/7.
It would be nice for them to have grandkids but first there needs to be a couple of elements in place: 1) You want to have kids for you, not to satisfy some other need, 2) you need a man whom you love to father these children and then stick around with you to raise them. So he has to be someone you really want as a full-term husband, as well. Yes, not exactly the easiest thing to find!
If you haven't done so, you really need to have a serious sit-down with your mom and explain your reasons for not being ready to supply her with grandkids at this point. You may want them later but your are still young and you the first thing you need is a guy to knock you off your feet. You'd like her to have grandkids and understand you are her only option in this manner. But you need to do what is best for your happiness and take your time, especially now that you are not long out of the house and are figuring out your career, who you are and what you want in life. You have at least 15 more years of time to meet someone and figure this out. These are things that are best not rushed or done under pressure.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (27 November 2017):
 I'm so sorry about your brother. Please don't date or have babies for your parents' sake, though - it's incredibly unwise and will make you unhappy.
I understand why they feel the way they do, but it's *your* life and you're still very young. Maybe in 10 years you'll have been with someone for 3+ years, maybe even married and pregnant with your first. Who knows, perhaps you'll end up with twins.
The point is that you should take your time. Don't rush things, or you could end up in a miserable or abusive situation.
Learn to ignore them or say "someday" every time they mention it.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (27 November 2017):
 Sorry to hear about the death of your bother, I hope you're coping with it well enough.
I think it's wrong of your parents to keep dropping hints like they are doing. This is YOUR life, therefore you make the decisions about what goes on it in. If you're happy doing you, then stick with it. Don't let anyone pressure you into something you're not comfortable with.
If they bring it up again I'd say something along the lines of 'I've repeatedly told you of my situation and I will not discuss the matter anymore' and leave it as that.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 November 2017):
 First of all, I am really sorry about your brother. His death must have hit you all hard, especially your parents. It is little wonder they are now so aware of their own mortality and putting pressure on you to provide the future generation of the family.
That said, you should NEVER feel selfish for feeling the way you do. You should have kids IF and WHEN you are ready - or try for adoption, as you have mentioned.
You sound a lot like me - content to be on your own and not bothered about having children. I had a number of long term relationships but was always very clear that I had no intention of ever having children. It was something I never felt the desire to do and something I don't regret.
You sound like the sort of person who will meet someone one day who really appeals to you and makes you feel you want to have a relationship. When you do, I am sure you will put in the effort to make it work and I hope you will be very happy.
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A
female
reader, Nora1 +, writes (27 November 2017):
No you are not being selfish in this. I would advice to have a word with your parents and tell them that you are not ready for a child yet. I am sure they will understand.
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