A
male
age
51-59,
*oemwase
writes:My girlfriend is 6 moths pregnant, now we are arranging to start living together, she lives with her sister in london and I do live in mantchester, now the thing is she says I should go and live in london with them, but I asked her to come over here she strongly refusing, and threatening that if I do go that will be the end of us and will be no chance for me to see ma baby in future, but I do love the girl and don't want want to loose ma baby. But my heart is strongly saying no for me to follow them. What should I do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, joemwase +, writes (15 February 2010):
joemwase is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your views and advices, this time around I just want to make it clear that,my refusal of joining them,was because I was thinkin that since she is startin martenity leave (she does support work) very soon I thought it would be good and wise for me not to loose this job I am doing here (care assistant)and go there startin looking for the job again.And her excuse is that she gonna be lonely here since it's a place where she does'nt know anyone,while there her sister can help to do baby sit. So when I said no I can not, she said, herself and sister will be able to lookafter the baby even if am not there. And that gave me apicture that she values her sister more than me, meaning that two of us can not take care of the baby if her sister is not there, but if am not there and her sister is around they can deffinately have no problem to lookafter the baby. My fear is since she does'nt value me that much (actually I don't need to be praised but I need the respect as a man for I deserve it) wat do you think gonna happen if I join them in their own house?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): whats stopping you from leaving your place to be with her and vice versa?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): It's impossible to tell what the sensible decision would be from your question. But the attitude behind it slightly concerns me. You should both be thinking, first and foremost, not about yourselves, but about the welfare of the child. The fact that you have a moment of hesitation about moving closer to your baby suggests to me that you're not as committed to the project of being a father as you should be. Frankly, I don't blame your girlfriend for threatening to move on to someone more able to provide love and care on a daily basis to the child. I'd be pretty offended if a guy had thought I was good enough to knock up, but not good enough to move a couple of hundred miles for.
Clearly, someone in this scenario is going to have to uproot their life and move to another city for the relationship to work as a childrearing partnership. I'm slightly suspicious of the fact that you say your 'heart' is telling you not to go - to me that says you don't actually have any rational and unselfish reason for this decision - you're just judging by what would cause you the least inconvenience. Maybe you should have thought about all of this before getting your girlfriend pregnant in the first place?
First of all, you need to think practically. What are the financial circumstances of this relationship? Who earns more? And how mobile are your jobs? If your girlfriend has a good career in London, which cannot be easily moved to Manchester (e.g. she works in an industry like publishing which is heavily based in the south east), but you work in a trade like plumbing where work is available pretty much everywhere, then she maybe has a point.
Secondly, how good are the childcare networks that you both have around you? If she has lots of family around her in London, who would be prepared to babysit and take care of your child, then that could be a big factor in her wanting to stay there.
Finally, if you want to be good parents, you have to find a way of getting along and not sweating the small stuff. And that means making compromises. For both of you, moving to a new city IS small stuff, in comparison to missing out on the whole future of your baby or raising a child without a father. For heaven's sake, grow up and get it together, for the sake of the new life that will be entering the world in just 3 months' time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): Im not even from the UK, nor have I ever been and even I know Manchester is not a good area. Plus, its England- you can get about anywhere across country in 4-6hrs. Honestly, what is worth more to you? Where you currently live, that is easily accessible...? Or all that you are putting at stake, the one you live and your child. Don't be selfish, there is a baby involved and deserves both parents. Perhaps you can suggest a compromise. Move together in the middle, on the country side, just outside of london. Its only fair she meet you half way. But also, on another note, dont forget you have rights too and you can go to court to get the rights to see your child. Dont let her think she has all this power she doesnt have
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A
female
reader, LilPixie  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 I think your girlfriend is right! she'll be under enough stress from the pregnancy alone, she doesn't need the stress of moving on top of that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): You have not discussed this before? Why did you wait until she got pregnant?
What if you were to get married to her? Would she still resist moving?
Depends on jobs - does she have one there? Do you have one in manchester? Whose job is more flexible...
If I were in her place I'd not move my life for a live in arrangement... that too with a kid. But if there was marriage and all, I'd think the man may be offering a commitment.
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