| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I think my boyfriend has double stanards. He likes watching porn and even though he's not addicted, he'll defend his porn use until he dies! Well, I don't like him looking at other women. I don't like thinking he gets pleasure from others. I know it's not cheating, but he is indeed getting pleasure from others. They may be on the screen but they're actual people. Anyway, I just have to deal with it he says. He doesn't like it when I see naked men though. Not that I want to look at naked men, but if we're watching a movie or something, then what can I do? He's even covered my eyes sometimes! I don't actively look for pictures or videos of naked men, I just don't get the urge (and I don't, so don't call me a liar). I can only imagine what his reaction would be if I did. Once we were at my laptop and I joked about seeing naked men, he got a bit upset and checked my history. Of course he found nothing.He also doesn't like that other men check me out. I think that's stupid. I can't control who looks at me. I don't dress like a whore, I usually wear jeans and a t-shirt, maybe a dress, I rarely wear cleavage (not that I have much anyway!) or short skirts, too tight pants. I dress normally. But he gets uncomfortable if men ogle me. I do too, but that's life. I can't control other men's eyes.I guess bottom line is we're both insecure: I don't like him looking at other naked women (especially because he is the only naked man I ever see... he's LUCKY I don't actually want to look at other men!) and he can't stand that other men check me out.I know I can't do anything about his issues except trying to reassure him. But what can I do about mine? I don't want to look at other naked men, and he doesn't like me doing it anyway. I find it unfair that he can wank to all the naked sluts that he wants, and that I only have to have eyes for him. Especially 'cause these women have much better bodies than mine. It's unfair. How can I make him realize that if I don't look at other naked men, then he can't look at other naked women?
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insecure, liar, porn, too tight Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2010): Stop tolerating his double standard.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Say this to him, just as you said it to us.. "It's unfair. How can I make him realize that if I don't look at other naked men, then he can't look at other naked women?"
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 You wrote very clearly what the problem is. He has double standards.
The solution is also clear. Dump his sorry ass.
You don't want to hear that. You want to hear about some magical cure that will make him see the light.
There isn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2010): Hun, listen to me now. He has a problem. He. Not you. Multiple women dont like men watching porn, and it makes them uncomfortable. But you don't exactly go covering his eyes now do you!? You dont like it, but you're dealing with it. He however, isnt dealing with his issues too well. Blame him this time around. Either he lets you dress whatever you want to (yes so that men will drool all over you! You have every right to dress however you want!) and let you watch whatever you want to (even if thats an accidental butt-flash on TV) or HE can leave it. Take it or leave it like he said. Personally, Id leave him. He is obsessive, overly jealous.. red flags! Likes to watch other women but cant let you watch men, or even get looked at by other men. Thats not healthy. It'd be totally fine if he had a healthy relationship with porn, human bodies, fantasies and you. His relationship to porn however is NOT normal. He wont let you watch the exact same thing he watches every day. And why's that? Im afraid this man is a male chauvinist, and views you as belonging to him, and him being superior to you. Red flag hun.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 February 2010):
 Your boyfriend is a controlling person. He wants to control your behavior and police your thoughts, while feeling free to do whatever he likes. The thing that caught my eye was that he gets angry with you if someone else looks at you. Like you said, you can't control what other people do.
He's found a budding victim in you, someone who will tolerate being told what to do, how to think and to ignore the very obvious double standard. I suppose he might be able to change, if he wanted to, but I don't hear that in your post. He thinks of you as some sort of adjunct to his personality; you're expected to revolve around his sun.
Now you can't expect to control his fantasies either, by the way.
It doesn't sound like a balanced, healthy relationship you have going on here, and I am concerned for you that you are tolerating being blamed for other people's actions and that the double standard is so blatantly obvious and you can't see his controlling acts.
Try to look at this from your mother or father's perspective: does this sound like a good boyfriend for their daughter? I don't think so.
Take care.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (8 February 2010):
 I don't think you can strike a deal with your boyfriend - it sounds as if he has already told you he likes looking at adult images and won't change for you. It obviously makes you feel bad and that is ok, many women would feel the same way as you do. It sounds like he is very insecure and controlling. The women in adult movies are not better looking than you - they are often cosmetically enhanced with a surgeon's knife and the film footage is carefully produced by the directors for commercial effect. You have a choice really - you either put up with his 'hobby' or you walk away from the relationship with the confidence in knowing you can find someone else in the future who treats you as you would like. It is a question of having the self confidence not to tolerate behaviour from a partner that makes you very unhappy.
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