A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married 19 years. For 8 yrs I watched porn and engaged in cyber sex, and even Emailed women. This became an obsession. My wife found out about it and I tried to lie my way out of it. I did stop eventually, but she left me anyway. How can I get her back? I truely am sorry. It took me a long time to understand why she was so hurt. I thought as long as I didn't meet these women she shouldn't feel cheated on. But after that I couldn't bring myself to confess it to her. Now that she has left, I told her everything, but I think it's too late. I let her know that I love her and she's my life. What do I do?
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female
reader, noonespecial2  +, writes (13 July 2009):
Gee I feel so sad for the person who wrote the question and the Men who responded with you all losing the one you love. I just wonder, is it worth it? why do some Men risk losing so much, something so real, someone who loves you for this type of thing. This happens all the time and for some reason Men just don't seem to listen. That may be unfair to refer to just Men doing this as I'm sure there are some Women who do it too. I have had a similar experience and left my partner too. I believe that if he told me the truth in the first place, I would have considered going to therpay to work it out. He denied and denied and that was crazy making and really was the thing that broke my trust. If he hurt me with the truth, we would only have the issue of porn to deal with but the lying and denying makes it so hard to believe in his words. If he got himself some help, changed his ways, developed a new belief about porn etc..., admitted to not listening and respecting me, showed remorse and was there to allow me to express my pain and hurt to him without making excuses or justifying his behaviour, I may consider taking him back. Maybe you two could respond to some of the pornography questions where the Man is whinging about his wife having a problem with it. You may be able to make them aware of the damage they are potentially doing to themselves, their marriage and most of all their wives. Who knows you could save a marriage. Unfortunately, society and Men in general minimize this type of behaviour by saying it's an animal instinct, all Men do it, it's better than having an affair, it's no big deal, I love my wife and it's only sexually stimulation with porn and so forth. It most certainly isn't seen this way to some wives. Often the blame is placed on their wives by being called insecure, untrustworthy etc... this too is another denial of the reality of the problem and all of these things are just excuses for some Men's lack of responsibility within the relationship. Some Women feel ugly, not special, very hurt and not number one in the eyes of their Men. This is a very significant issue for these Women and I can't believe Men don't listen to this. Would they stay if they felt this way?It is very hurtful when inappropriate behaviour is minimized by making the wife to blame. I think it's about time couples started to listen to each other and meet the needs of their partner rather than listening to other Men who say there's nothing wrong with it, we all do it. Hopefully you will both learn and become better people from this. Listening to your partner and her feelings is important. If you dismiss her feelings, it will only be a matter of time before she leaves. It's such a shame and a hurtful lesson for some. I feel for your regret.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2009): I have the same problem,Because of porn, I ruined the relation with my beautiful wife,she has given me so many chances, but I screw it every time up,We men only want to fix things when its too late,and when every thing is alright again,we search that damn problems up again,we don't realise how much pain we make for the people we love,and reading some of these comments here, I realisewhat pain this brings,but its very difficult, especially when you are on your own without any help,the hardest thing is to accept you are to blame for this and accept that your wife's love and truth is vanished.life is only disappointment's and pain,do we really love our wives?Why do we cause them pain then?only thing remains to try to be Honest to yourself and time will tell if things going to be alright
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): sometimes we only realise and confess when it is too late. i am certain the pain you have caused her is unbearable. she may have cried so many tears over your obsession yet you chose not to hede the warnings. i believe it may be too late for you. let her go in peace. you may love her now but until you have gotten professional help for your addiction, this means nothing. if you release her then let her go and make a life without you. you need to be unselfish here and allow her to find love again. after all, you did not provide her with what she craved for - love and respect- while she was with you. maybe she will find that love she is craving, with your blessing. sometimes it is really really too late when we wake up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): Get yourself some professional help. They will guide you with the possibility of rebuilding trust if it's possible. If it is too late, you will develop yourself into a better partner for any future relationships. Take full responsibility and do not place any blame on anyone else but yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Personally, I went through the same thing and I left my ex....he professed his love, but I don't understand how you can love someone and hurt them, daily. I cried, did your wife do this? Did your sex life go down the drain, did you ignore her sexual needs?I can only tell you that this became a deal breaker for me and I will never go back to someone who was given 4 years to rectify a problem and didn't. I don't believe him, I think he is just full of words and his actions spoke louder for me, so perhaps your wife is in the same place emotionally and you will never have her hold you again? Only time will tell. The only thing you can do right now is work on getting well, it is the ONLY thing that gives you any chance what so ever of her changing her mind. But you need to be prepared to say, I have done this honey, I am seeing a counselor, I go to s/a meetings, I have an internet blocker on my computer, whatever, you need ACTION, not fluffy I love you's.Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): As you can see the Double M and Old Guy said that this was a major problem you did and I hope you see why, because it wasn't about just "not meeting them". To add what they said, it not much what you can do, it's really her choice. She's already wasted 8yrs of her life, she may need some space now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): i really just don't understand why men think that they can be abusive to women, and then just wave a magic wand and make it all okay. some things that end up broken can't be fixed. you very clearly screwed up. hope you get some help and can move on with your life. your ex-wife has done just that. she has moved on, and if you respect her at all (which you clearly did not do during the course of your marriage) you should leave her alone and if she wants you back, she can make that choice. you made your choices...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2009): Do you know why you were emailing these women? Have you been completely honest with yourself about it? There's no way you can hope to get your wife back until you've been brutally honest with yourself. And, if you were doing it because you were feeling a profound lack in your marriage, something that can't be addressed, then you'll just have to move on.
It sounds like you wife feels like her trust in you has been seriously violated (and given your lies, I can't say that I blame her.) It's probably a permanent deal-breaker -- unless you've ruthlessly looked into your soul and identified and admitted to a failing that was yours, not hers. IF you've done that, and IF you genuinely see the error of your ways, and IF you're sure that you can be the husband she has a right to expect, then you can try to convince her to give you another chance. But don't bother trying unless you're genuinely sincere.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (27 June 2009):
 We make mistakes in life, some of which are irreversible. This may prove to have been a major one for you and I've had similar difficulties. All we can do is move on when things don't work out, but from now on, try to always be truthful. Just tell it like it is.
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