A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I don’t understand why I can’t stop being so pessimistic.I’ve had my heart stepped on a lot in the past, and it’s even been broken a few times. Now I’ve been dating a new guy for about 3 months. Things are great, and he’s wonderful. But, (I’m guessing because of my past relationships) I’m finding myself being dreadfully pessimistic about everything. I like him so much, that spend most my time scared, truly scared, of losing him. I feel like I’ve lost trust in Love and men all together, even though I know this one hasn’t given me any reason not to trust him. All I can think about is us breaking up, because I feel like it’s inevitable. Like our whole relationship is just a game of Jenga. Each day I pull out another piece, praying it won’t fall yet, but knowing that sooner or later it will. I hate thinking like this, but I can’t seem to stop. I’ve tried to reason with myself so many times. I know in my head that I’m being unfair. I know in my head that I need to treat every thing as a new experience, and can’t expect every relationship to end like the last. But as much logic as I use, I can’t seem to change the way I feel deep down. I’ve pondered the notion that maybe I’m just not ready to be in a committed relationship. But the thought of letting this great guy go breaks my heart.I just don’t know what to do. I know it probably seems like a trivial issue, but it’s gotten so bad that I don’t know where to turn. I’ve even found myself here, looking to the internet at 2:30 in the morning, hoping to find some sort of help. I don’t know what I expect to hear, but even just knowing that other people out there have felt the same way I do might be comforting
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female
reader, heatherrrrrrr +, writes (1 August 2008):
 You came to this website for the same reason I did. Reading about all the problems other people are having made me feel much more secure in my current relationship, because we have such trivial problems when we have problems at all.
I suffered two awful relationships that lasted two years each, and left me in a terrible state. In the beginning months of my current relationship, I was going through exactly what you describe. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. What I have decided is that you can't predict the future, and since my boyfriend is a wonderful man who has given me no reason not to trust and love him, in fact many reasons TO trust and love him, I should be happy for the time I get to spend in this functional, healthy relationship. Even if it ends one day, it will have been practice for the next round. I'm forming new, good habits and forgetting the old routine of drama and stress.
I've been just where you are, the cycling, obsessive worrying to the point you feel you just can't contain it anymore. But you can't tell a guy about that usually for fear of sounding like a nutso.
My advice to you is to be grateful. Grateful and happy that you might finally get what you deserve. And proud of yourself for achieving it. Nobody knows how much time you have here on earth, and to have great love, even if it doesn't last, is something to cherish while you can. Living in the moment is hard to do, like anything else it just takes practice. As you begin to relax and become more confident, you'll find that your boyfriend will slip into that comfort and relaxation with you. Smiling is contagious and so is a calm demeanor.
As far as the intrusive thoughts of breaking up, just know that you can walk away whenever you want. That is your power no one can take from you. Turn that anxiety around and think about how, if things do go wrong as you've worried they might, you have the power. In the meantime, here's to forming better relationship habits!
Let us know how it turns out!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2008): You know he is a great guy. You say he hasn’t given you any reason not to trust him. Be confident with yourself. Every human is unique.
Just because of your past bad experience, it doesn't mean this time will be the same. Don't get yourself depressed. Let go your past.
It is just 3 months. You need more time to see who he really is. If he is that great, don't let him go. Love him the way you always want.
Good luck.
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