A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for the past 9 months. I love him to much and he loves me too. Lately I've been having anxiety and I have not been able to sleep because I feel so guilty about my past. I have never had sex before but I have kissed other guys. I do remember all the guys that I have kissed and some have tired to do more like touch me in private areas. My boyfriend believes he has the right to know everything because he is going to marry me. I can't sleep and I constantly cry. I feel so guilty, and I wish I never put myself in such bad scenerios. I'm positive that he has had sex with multiple women, but I don't care because of societies double standard. I have told him about almost all the guys that I have kissed, but I don't want to tell him about the couple of guys that I literally just met and they would touch me. I never took off my cloths or even gave a guy head, but unfortunately I have grined on guys. I feel so guilty because I no that he loves me and this would totally hurt him and ruin everything. Unfortunately this is my past and I would never cheat on him or even look at other guys. I'm so happy with him. But I can't take it anymore. I can not forgive myself. Sometimes I wonder what if a family member of his knows the person that I have grined with. I really would rather die than have him ever find out or anyone ever know. I really would just die. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, DistantStar  +, writes (9 January 2012):
He wants to know your secrets before his?
maybe he wants to open up and tell you something
but needs courage
but then again...if you do tell him and you in rturn find out something you never wanted to know then that may cause a fight...
you dont have to tell him and he doesnt have to tell you
if you do...it could damage your relationship or even strengthen it... do what your heart tells you
A
female
reader, sanetlaagan  +, writes (8 August 2010):
 k_c100 all your generous comments are AMAZING!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): Stop stressing, there's nothing to worry about at all. So what? you kissed a few guys. He didn't even need to know that, let alone the grinding thing. There's nothing to feel guilty about. It was before you met your boyfriend, and it's hardly a big deal. If you had sex with 'multiple men' as he has women, that's when you should 'possibly' feel bad. Does he feel bad for what he has done?
I agree, I have a feeling you're with a controlling man. Seems he's making you feel terrible about yourself. If this is the matter, don't let anyone control you, ever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): if you be open now, he will be happy for your honesty but if he came to know later and that will be horrible to digest him as well as trouble to you, therfore be honest now and definately he accepts you. Now a days no one is good everyone are committing mistakes therefore everyone need to go through the consequences, so is your's
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 July 2010):
 If your boyfriend is making you feel this rubbish about absoultely NOTHING then he is not a good guy! Basically you have just kissed a few guys and had a few 'moments" with some of them but never did anything sexual. 99.9% of men on this planet would think you are the best catch in the world with this sort of sexual past! You have not slept around, you dont go around blowing random guys.....you are pretty much the purest of the pure! Even strict christian girls who claim to believe in abstinence and wont have sex before marriage will have had a worse sexual past than you do!
I am willing to share a bit of my past here to hopefully make you feel better - by your age I had already had 5 sexual partners! So if all you have done is kiss a few guys and had a little grind with a few of them you are an angel compared to most other girls your age!
Please dont worry about your past - as I have said you have done absolutely NOTHING bad and you have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact you should feel proud of your past! Many girls would have given in to guys when they were trying to touch them or get a bit frisky, whereas you have been strong enough to walk away and never do anything sexual with them. So stop beating yourself up and start feeling proud of yourself for being such a strong person!
Your past is your past - you cannot change it and it shapes who you are as a person now. Without your past, you would not be the same girl your boyfriend loves today. So dont be ashamed any more, and accept that it has made you a better person today so that is a good thing.
There is no need to tell your boyfriend anything if you dont want to, if he has had sex with multiple partners then he has no right to ask you to tell him everything if he has not been honest with you. You are an equal partner in this relationship remember - just because society has double standards does not mean you should just let your boyfriend continue that. You are a strong, beautiful woman who deserves love and respect, not walking all over like a doormat by your boyfriend. If he wants to know everything about you, then it is your right to know everything about him. We are not living in the 1950's anymore - you need to be strong and stand up to your boyfriend otherwise he will control you for the rest of your life.
You are making yourself ill just through fear of what he might think, and this is a clear form of control from your boyfriend. He should not be able to affect you like this for such a rubbish reason - fair enough if you were going through some real problems and we worried so couldnt sleep and cried lots etc. But to be making yourself ill over such a little issue, that is not right. No man on earth is worth making yourself ill over, you are worth ten times more than any guy!
Be happy with yourself, and accept the past for what it is. Dont tell your boyfriend as there is no need, you have not done anything bad so if you do get married he will still be marrying the perfect little lady he thinks he is. You are not misleading him or lying to him in any way - the only way that would happen is if you said you were a virgin when you are not. Something like kissing a few boys is nowhere near that serious! And if your boyfriend demands he knows everything about your past, then you demand you know everything about his past too. Dont let him walk all over you, make sure you are an equal partner in this relationship and not just his doormat to trample all over.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
male
reader, werther  +, writes (30 July 2010):
i totaly agree with CaringGuy , you don´t have to tell him anything unless you want to, and you didn´t have sex with anyone.......
he seems controlling , and i wonder if you want to marry him?
or if you just want to marry because he TELLS you...
check with yourself what you want....
not what he / family/ society wants
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 July 2010):
You haven't done anything wrong. In fact, I'm suspicious that you're with a really controlling guy who is making you feel like crap. All right, you've kissed a few guys, all right, you've danced with some. Your past is actually nothing to worry about at all. You didn't even have to tell him anything at all. You did. You haven't done anything. At all.
I am worried that your boyfriend is having a negative effect on you. He seems a bit hypocritical and controlling to be honest. Stop worrying so much. You haven't done anything. Anyone who suggests differently isn't worth your time.
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