A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi all, need some much needed advice. I am 24 Ive been with my fiance for 7 years and we have a beautiful baby girl and I am due to have a baby boy in August. We recently moved home for a fresh start after I found out my fiance had an affair however things are good between us and our little family are happy.I am a full-time law degree student and work evenings. My fiance works full-time too and is starting a course in computers, I also volunteer and take my daughter to ballet, needless to say I have my hands full. My problem is my partners mother. I have always got on well with my fiances family and have never asked them to help us in any way, shape or form. However his mum keeps dropping hints that she wants to come and live with us. My fiance is the youngest of 5 children and the 3 oldest are girls. I am concerned becuase we are a young family just starting out with our lives and I feel I can't handle the burden of looking after his mother too. She lives with her daughter at the moment and we see her about once a month. She doesn't play an active role in our daughters life and my parents look after my daughter whilst in at university or work. I feel really under pressure and I have spoken to my partner about this and how to resolve it, but he can't stand upto his family like I do. I really don't know what to do, I know it would tear our relationship apart. After the affair myself and my partner have made a real effort to make our relationship work, we don't get to spend a lot of quality time together but when we do we cherish it. It will affect so much of our relationship, our sex life and our routine. If his mum was elderly and needed caring for I would be more than happy to look after her, but shes not, shes 55 and works part time. Shes capable of looking after herself. I would feel the same even if it was my mother wanting to come and live with us on a perminent basis. I really don't know what to do. I have made every effort to involve her in our lives but she has never bothered. Once I asked her to pick my daughter up from nursery whilst I went from uni to work, and she agreed, but I got a phone call from school saying his mum had turned up to pick my daughter up but left because she didn't want to wait for 10 minutes untill it was letting out time. I had to leave work in a state becuase my daughter had been left alone. I know she wants to live with us because we are financially stable and intend to buy a new house in the near future. None of her other children are reliable like we are, and I can sympathise. I know i'm not being selfish, I know I have made every effort to involve her. I feel like I am kissing goodbye to my home, relationship and stablility.Please help. what do I do?? Thank You :)
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female
reader, xx_jelly_bean_xx +, writes (14 July 2010):
Do not let her move in!!
Tell your fiance that you need to have your space to grow as a family and you have enough stress with working life , children and him and want to focas all you energy on that!!
Good luck chick hope all works out!
:)
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (14 July 2010):
 Absolutly no way! Tell her to get her own house! She's a grown adult and is supposed to be the parent of your fiance. She should have a stable home for him to come visit and live in if he needs to, not the other way around!
Yeh if she was 85 and couldn't look after herself, it would be understandable, but shes not. So why on earth does she want to stay with her adult Son and his family?! It sounds like shes a waster and sponges off her kids. Maybe life hasn't gone to plan for her, but shes a responsible adult who should be able to work, earn a wage and pay rent on her own home. Tell her that you'd love for her to have a more active role in your children's lives. But you are a young family, and a complete family unit that doesn't have enough room for any other people, except for your unborn child.
She is asking too much, what's wrong with the woman! If your fiance does not understand where you are coming from, and sticks up for his mum, gently remind him that your relationship is still fragile from his betrayal, and if he wants your relationship to work out you need your own space to be a family together, which you won't have if his mother is there. Tell him how you have a lot on your plate, preganant with a young child, and when you are at home you need your own space. End of conversation. Tell him if he wants to keep his mother, to pay for her own home.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 July 2010):
 No way I would want her to move in. I would sit your fiancee down and tell him how it's going to be. HE will have to be the one telling her, no you are not living with us.
You and the kids should come first in his life. She can come visit and you guys can go visit her, but if she is no help with the kids she is just another lump on the couch, even if she is family.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 July 2010):
You don't let her move on. You're right, at this time you can't cope with her as well. My grandparents never helped my mother at all, and she just banned them because all they would do was sit there and take, take, take.
You fiancé needs a serious kick in the ass for this mess. As serious kick. He's had an affair, and you've got small children that need looking after. You don't need his mother adding to it. She'll just tale his side all the time and undermine you.
Your mother in law will not add to anything. She'll just take. That's not fair. So tell your husband straight that she is not moving in. Anything other than 'yes' from his lips, and you'll need to seriously consider leaving this man. He's had an affair, and has children. He should be on his knees working on your relationship with you. Tell him that. And like I say, anything other than yes, and seriously consider leaving him. He stabbed you in the back once, and if he does it again, then it's time to run.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 July 2010):
You don't let her move on. You're right, at this time you can't cope with her as well. My grandparents never helped my mother at all, and she just banned them because all they would do was sit there and take, take, take.
You fiancé needs a serious kick in the ass for this mess. As serious kick. He's had an affair, and you've got small children that need looking after. You don't need his mother adding to it. She'll just tale his side all the time and undermine you.
Your mother in law will not add to anything. She'll just take. That's not fair. So tell your husband straight that she is not moving in. Anything other than 'yes' from his lips, and you'll need to seriously consider leaving this man. He's had an affair, and has children. He should be on his knees working on your relationship with you. Tell him that. And like I say, anything other than yes, and seriously consider leaving him. He stabbed you in the back once, and if he does it again, then it's time to run.
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