A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HiJust want other peoples opinion if possible! I have been with my partner for 3 years, he is a loving, kind decent man who works hard. He has decided to go back to college in September on top of is full time job. I have just brought a house so we are moving into that when solicitors are done (I chose to buy this house myself as we are not married and my partner agreed with this so no problems there). He has 2 kids that I really adore, we all get on very well and I have a little bond with his daughter. His son is nearly 12 so going into that teenage phase!! I don't have kids, my partner has said after marriage we will have them, planning on getting married in the next few years. I am 34. His ex, well he handles everything, he has taken her to court for access which seems to be working, she even let's me around now as firstly, she was a little wary. This is what worrys me tho, she pours comments into the childrens mind (ie if Daddy has a baby he will forget all about you which just isn't true), Dads is useless, you can't go anywhere near his partner (but the children have wised up to it and still come to me for little things, I have remained throughout their lives as a friend, nothing else). Parents get on sometimes now since court. The niggle in my head tho is that when we do decide to have a family, get married, I want it all to be calm, no drama. I don't want those children to go through any trouble for what WE are doing. My partners daughter said to me the other day randomly, if I ever have a baby, she will love it, but it can't be her brother or sister, only cousin as that's what her Mum told her (not sure why this was even brought up, because it am not pregnant and will only do it after marriage). Opinions please. I don't want to leave my partner as he is 1 in a million. We just have a few problems with his ex and I don't want to bring this into any life that we creat as well as his children getting grief. I will always love to bits those children as I would my own. Thanks :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2014): Thank you for your wonderful advice. Sometimes it just takes an outsider to tell you what to do.
I just want everyone to be happy and for all children to have so much in their lives.
Thanks again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2014): Honeypie and CindyCares are two of my favorites. They got in all the best points. Here's some more from a guy's point of view.
You're forgetting that as time passes, the children get older. By the time you're married and having your own family, they'll be even older.
They are very used to having you around, and have formed their own bond with you. They've already formulated their own opinions of your relationship to their father. Yes, children are impressionable; but nothing truly sticks as they form their own little opinions. They also observe what's happening around them.
Children are not as easily swayed as some may think. They are either too young, or too old, to be influenced by the bitterness of their parents. They know what a divorce is, and they learn quickly when mummy is being bitchy at daddy.
Kids usually take sides when it is convenient or beneficial. If they have a personal-disagreement with a parent. Teenagers more often then younger ones. His kids know how much their father loves them; and she can't really take that from them. They just think she's having one of her bad days, and eventually they will actually tell her what they think about it. Especially the 12 year-old!
Continue showing the children kindness and affection. That negates a lot of what they are being told. They have brains and they can see with their own eyes. It's what you say and do that means more than anything.
Continue being sweet to them. Never ever openly or directly contradict their mother. Just be reassuring and positive with where YOU stand with them. Children take offense and become protective of their mothers when girlfriends criticize her. She has been through enough in their eyes.
They share her pain. You walk on eggshells in his area.
You would suddenly become an outsider.
Just remain neutral until you are their step-mother. Then your rights change, and you are in the position to verbalize your opposition to their mother's trash-talk.
For now, just listen and learn. They're not your kids yet.
Don't act any differently or don't be tempted to go overboard trying to be nice. They are analyzing and evaluating the truth behind what their mother says; but they don't always listen. If you can get children to accept everything an adult tells them; you have a certified miracle on your hands.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 August 2014):
 I agree with Honeypie ( as usual . Honeypie, let's try and disagree on something , just for the heck of it :) ), I just want to add :
Don't be afraid - do expect A LITTLE drama, it will be normal and temporary, and you'll get over it with time, patience, kindness and common sense..
If and when you do announce a new baby, do not expect your stepchildren to be necessarily elated. Sibling rivalry runs rampant even among blood relatives, it is common for kids to show ( or harbour secretly ) some jealousy and competitivity ,and act up a bit when there's a new baby in the family, and the more so the bigger is the age difference. So if they take it "wrong " at first , or not totally " right ", do not be upset, they would have done the same with a blood sibling. They just need the time to see that their dad 's love for them has not changed and never will, to feel reassured that their life and habits won't be too dramatically altered because of the new child , and to get attached to their ( step ) sibling. Keep your wits about you and all will be fine.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 August 2014):
 What do you do about it? Ignore it. Even the kids are figuring out that it's a load of bull crap.
And take the high road and do not talk smack about her.
If they bring thing up like a new baby, then explain how you feel. Make sure the kids know you love them and that a baby doesn't change that. That a baby will only ADD to the family.
I get it that you don't want drama, but you can not control the ex and her mouth. Even your BF can't do that. She will think, feel and say whatever she wants.
A for the son, I hope your BF takes the time to spend some one-on-one with him. He is at that age where he needs a good role model.
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