A
male
age
,
*amilyfan
writes:Dear Cupid.This has got to be a recurrent problem. I adore my partner. We met at work, and our feelings grew from there. She has 3 children, the eldest, a boy of 18, and the youngest, who is a girl of 8, have presented, and continue to present, some challenges - quite naturally, as at the age of 46 I have no children of my own. The 11 year old girl, whom I treat with the same level of affection and attention as the others, is becoming a nuisance. She is clearly resentful of my presence, and repeatedly asks awkward questions such as "why do you think we are a family", the clear emphasis being that we are not. She takes pains reminding me that I am not her Father when this is clearly so.I know the correct thing to do is persist with the child, but my natural patience with children is not great. Since her mother and myself have been together, both of our lives have improved beyond measure. The child sees her father once a week; of course, he can do no wrong in her eyes.What do I do?Dave
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female
reader, Full moon temptress1 +, writes (1 January 2008):
The girl is 11 and going through emotional and physical changes at the moment.She may feel she is betraying her dad by accepting you.Say you can be a family ,and it could be fun for her if she allows it.Tell her you know your not her dad,but you love her mom very much.Ask her what she wants to happen.You may not like her answer to this, but its something you can work on.
A
female
reader, mama2three  +, writes (31 December 2007):
 Coming in to a family can always be a bit of a challenge, and this is definitely one of those situations. Don't try to be the father figure, that would probably cause more resentment. Remember that she is not your daughter, she's your girlfriend's daughter, so you basically have no say in anything regarding her.
Give it time. This is probably harder for her than it is for you. I'm grown and my parents have been divorced for three years and it's STILL hard to accept that they have different partners other than each other.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (31 December 2007):
 It is true that "in time", not just this one child, but the other two as well will see you in a different light. However, being that this sounds very recent, I would never try to be the "father figure", I would start off by being their best friend. This is something new for them...first off, no matter what their dad may have done or not done wrong, he is still their father and always will be and your probably right...he could do know wrong...in "their" eyes. If he was a "not so good dad", in time again when they are probably older they will figure this out. But that is not for anyone to tell them, they WILL figure it out. As far as now, in order to "win" them as your friend, you must always be honest to them, understanding to their feelings no matter if something was to hurt you, it's just letting them know that you want to be their friend and that you would like for them to give you a chance. That your not trying to replace their dad....but that their mother and you have strong feelings for each other since you two have met and want to continue to be with each other and you get to know them better as well. Let them know you are interested in their lives and what they like and dislike, really getting to know them but not being pushy at the same time. Kids have feelings just as we do, and you need to remember they lost their "normal" family member...their dad.
Patience...I totally understand that. But, you will need to pray each day to be stronger. That is the number one thing that can drive me to go crazy, but, I have done so well within the last 5 years by asking for the strength to better in this area.
I have no clue what that would be like being my parents were together till they passed, but what I will say, had they, that would have really torn me apart. I would "in time" have accepted it especially if I knew my parents were so unhappy together or if either were abusive towards each other...because I do believe in happiness and for each's well being, but I also came from the world of working it out. The kids could be thinking why didn't they try to work it out and then here "you" come along....if they don't know, I think they are entitled to that answer as they are old enough.
It's always best to get out any of the "old" issues before bringing in the new so to speak....that way the kids can adjust better and have a much better understanding and liking to you.
It sounds as if you are really trying hard and because of that, I commend you!! Some adults would never think or take the time to care about the kids or their feelings coming in to a "new" family.
With the new year coming, I wish you the best and continued love you have for all of them!!!
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A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (31 December 2007):
 Just give it time. They were brought up around their dad and are only used to that.
Keep being nice and let them know you wanna be there dad but not replace their father. Soon enough they will warm up to you.
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A
female
reader, hello1 +, writes (31 December 2007):
 You really have got too give it time and be patience. Their both very young and just want their dad.
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