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female
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*nniebabes
writes: I had been with my boyfriend for seven and a half years, since 17. We had been saving for a house but still lived with our parents. I always believed he loved me. We hadn't been getting on over the last year as well as normal, he didn't seem to make as much of an effort, and when I asked him about more commitment, he wasn't as enthusiastic as I feel he should have been, and we fought a lot. We decided to have a break and not talk for 5 weeks while he was sent to New York with work, the last week to be a holiday for himself.I realised that I missed him and loved him so much while he was gone, and wanted to work at our problems, if he realised he was not putting enough into our relationship. I knew he had been mailing some of my friends while away and said he missed me, but they said little else. I decided to check his mail as I knew his password, to see what he said, and maybe what he was doing for his holiday etc.I discovered he had been mailing 2 girls, having phone sex with one, and was meeting her in New York. The other he was telling her she was special and things like that. I am devastated. He now swears he loves me, and wants me and I can trust him and they meant nothing, but we have broken up. He cried solid for 2 hours when we met, but hasn't tried to contact me since, or prove he loves me - though I was hard and made it look that I didn't care. I feel so lost, what should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2005): So sorry this has happened to you, dear. He will have to work hard at gaining your trust back and this will take time-should you choose to forgive his infidelity. Hun, your relationship has been long term, committed (7-8 years)-it seems there is a strong bond of love. If you both were experiencing problems before he left for this trip, and he was likely feeling emotionally needy, he let the affair happen and it was not just about sex. It's all about his male ego, hun. A quick fix was what he needed and look at the price he paid! He lost you and in hindsight, he has realized the pain and hurtful consequences he caused you. It's difficult for you to think that his cheating is not a rejection of you. And that is what is so hard to forgive. But cheating isn't always about the woman, that the guy sincerely loves. What a man may be looking for is false sense of admiration. A bad choice on his part -yes! Did he learn from it? It appears he did. Will he ever do it again? No one knows for sure. There are no guaruntees in the best of the relationships. People have affairs because they get lazy. It was easier for him, to have that fling in New York, than it was to admit something is wrong with his relationship with you and make a commitment to work on it. So what do you do? You can either forgive him and start anew, building that trust or...you both just go your separate ways.
Personally, I think you two can work this out because judging from your letter: you love each other very much & he has never done this before. If you said he did this to you many times in the past-I likely would've said to you-leave him. I think you two could really benefit from a good couple counselor, who can really put so much into perspective for you both. I wish you both the best of luck. Take care and hang in there.
Hugs,
Irish
A
reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (20 September 2005):
LEAVE THE TWAT!!!
(Excuse my language)
Even if you are stupid enough to forgive him, you wont cos that would always be a barrier, stuff brought up in arguments and you wont be the same ever again.
He CHEATED, he BETRAYED you, hes a FRAUDSTER!
Most peoples definition of CHEATING is regarding SEX, but my definition is like this one i found on the web:
Cheating is:
Kissing, Snoging, Passionately Kissing another male or female (whether opposite sex or not), regardless of sexuality, on the lips, on genitals, below the commonly clothed areas or anywhere else apart from the (facial) cheeks;
Sleeping with (non-sexually), having sex with (whether vaginal, anal or oral), participating in foreplay or taking part in fone sex or cyber sex; with another male or female (whether opposite sex or not), regardless of sexuality;
Having more then one boyfriend or girlfriend;
Flirting (excessively), dating other men or women (doesnt mean meeting up with old mates;) or having feelings (or falling in love) with another person whilst in this relationship;
The intention of seeing another male or female (whether opposite sex or not), regardless of sexuality, naked; with exception to Nudism;
Keeping secrets or knowledge of something which will effect the relationship;
Committing an act to gain an unfair advantage over your partner;
Thats like all the above points?! You dont go all the way to New York for 5 WEEKS only to meet a girl...this is cheatign tiself, but it will be sexual aswell...
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