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female
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anonymous
writes: My partner and i have been together for 12 years. Just in the last year he has been saying to me he thinks he should go and have sex with younger woman as he feels he is being done in. He says he is getting older and has not had much fun, he reassures me that he does not want a relationship with them he just wants to go and make sure that woman still find him attractive. I feel this is unfair as i have never denied him sex or told him he is not attractive as he is. So what is his problem could anyone give me advice as this is causing a problem between us. Thanks Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): Thanks to all the fed back that you all have given me. Its nice to know that there are others out there that think the same as i do. I realise he is going through a mid life crisis. And im prepared to stand by him with any problems he may have, but the sleeping with other younger woman is something i would not handle as i am loyal and faithful to him. I dont mind if it is a fantasy but it isnt it is a real thing that he is wanting. I have done things like getting sex toys, and the whole trip to spruce up our sex life. But it doesnt seem to work. I have told him it is making me feel inadequate and he assures me its not me as i am always willing to give him sex. He just reckons he is getting old and he needs to have a bit of fun while he can. But i wish he would realise i am there waiting for the fun to begin. They say life begins at 40. He knows he wont get anything out of having sex with younger woman as he did it before he met me he had a few one night stands and he says he felt so empty afterwards, but yet he wants to do it again. He says he knows he would never find anyine like me, so he doesnt want to loose me. But it is making me feel so insecure thinking then why is he treating me like this. Yes he could have done it behind my back but we have always been honest in that way so he his actual words to me were he is asking for my permission to do it. What did he expect me to say? I would never dreanm of even thinking of doing anything to hurt him like this never mind doing it. Thanks once again for you advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2005): It sounds like he wants the perks of marriage and the fun of 'no strings sex'. What a shame because with that comes, unwanted pregnancies, STD's and a whole host of other problems that could come back at him...and his family. Doesn't say much about his character when he claims he wants to use women sexually, does it? Just because he's feeling 'his age' or he feels the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, (which it isn't) doesn't mean you pack in a long term loving, committment to your wife. We all know that marriage doesn't mean a person has all their senses amputated. We still see other people we fancy and no matter what, there will always be opportunities out there for infidelity. But what makes us good, decent people is we realize that the point of marriage is that it's a commitment, a solemn promise that both people won't take up the offers that come our way. I certainly hope he doesn't believe that it's somehow your fault that he feels bored and you have a boring sex-life, because he's at least 50% of this relationship. Men who do that, do not value commitment and I think you husband needs to realize that his self-confidence, his own inner sense of value is not expecting others to the take the responsibility for enabling him to feel good about himself. That's his job and he needs to work on himself.
Think about some marriage counseling. If he won't go-then you go on your own. Hopefully getting some other opinions and ideas from a professional will help. I wish you both confidence and the strength to find and use - the information in positive ways. I also would set some boundries here, by making it clear that these feelings of his, are causing you pain. Make him aware of the costs of his behaviors. Do this calmly and clearly. And if that doesn't work,you may want to re-evaluate this marriage and list out what you want in a loving, committed relationship and hold out for it. There are plenty of wonderful, men out there who are looking for commitment and love.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, lonelylover +, writes (30 November 2005):
Honey he can't continue to generate attraction for you. example he only finds certain things about you attractive your butt, legs, breats, etc.. not anything with your personality, or feelings.. which is very important in a relationship and right now that is lacking. it hurts to hear this but you can do better. all you have to do is stop the pain. the first step is walking away from him. I believe in you, you are a woman, and can do anything you put your heart to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): Oh my good lord, is he serious......listen, this is so lame.......if I were you I would tell him to make a choice, its either a loving commited relationship with you....OR sex with other women...If he chooses sex or keeps dreaming about it...I say cut him loose, he's not worth your time, move on to a guy who understands that sex with a loving partner is SOOOOOO much better.. By the way , does he use porn, this can be a major conbtributor to his way of thinking. If he is I would give him the choice of giving that up too or losing you...Best of luck with this one
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A
female
reader, cassie5591 +, writes (30 November 2005):
It sounds like mid life crisis or just pure selfishness. we all would'nt mind trying something different but we don't.Perhaps he needs to spice up your relationship, as the old saying goes " you get what you give". Good luck.
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A
female
reader, ALEY KAT +, writes (30 November 2005):
WELL IT SOUNDS LIKE HES BORED WITH THE SEX LIFE HES HAVING WITH YOU. 12 YEARS IS A LONG TIME TO BE WITH ONE PERSON, I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT IF SLEEPING WITH YOUNGER WOMEN WILL MAKE HIM FEEL BETTER ABOUT HIMSELF, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK AT WHO YOUR WITH!!! IT ALSO SOUNDS LIKE HES TELLING YOU THIS SO YOU WILL FEEL BAD, AND GIVE IN TO HIS LITTLE "FANTASY". ITS NORMAL FOR MEN TO HAVE SEXUAL FANTASYS, BUT I FEEL LIKE YOU SHOULDNT EXCEPT THAT BULL AND PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!! THAT LINE ABOUT JUST WANTING TO SEE IF YOUNG WOMEN STILL FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE, IS ABOUT THE DUMBEST THING IVE EVER HEARD. BE CARFUL AND DONT LET HIM MINIPULATE YOU INTO SAYING YES! HAVE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF, AND AS LONG AS YOU DO, ALL WILL BE WELL.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): Unfortunately i was that man. Only I went behind my wife's back. He could do the same, but he is being unbelievably honest. Us guys aren't normally like that. Its sad as he will find out that meaningless sex will only make him unhappy, as I did. The grass is never greener. It is a natural male reaction to panic like that but like I said we usually keep it to ourselves. Can you live with him going out with other girls. I think it would eat away at you. If he really loved you then you would be enough. you only get one life- find a man who will treat you right and has gone through that phase already.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2005): After reading your question, I think what your husband is looking for is some excitement in his sex life. No offense, but maybe you'd just need to spice things up a bit with either toys, or games, or lingerie. If these are things you've already tried, I'd seriously think about sitting down with him and asking WHAT it is he thinks he'll be getting out of doing it with younger women - I mean, what do they have or what can they do that you can't? And start from there. Tell him how you really feel about the idea, and maybe he'll realise that it's just a fantasy of his...Good luck!
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