A
female
age
36-40,
*ovegame
writes:I recently posted about my partner wanting me to dress up in sexy underwear before I get into bed, i somehow got through to him that it was getting unreasonable.. the problem still remains however that he wants 'a load off' EVERYNIGHT! I already associate anxiety to sex as he gets angry at me if he doesn't get his way. It's getting to the stage where I hate going to bed, as I'll either encounter an angry partner or I'll have to do something that makes me feel disrespected and used. How can I make him want to be intimate, rather then just benefitting himself? Or better yet, how can I make him just hug me to sleep when I am too exhausted to do anything? Help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): It's your body and he should be thankful that you are even willing to sleep with him. You should never be yelled at because you are not willing to do so. Try talking to him about it and explain to him that you are tired and that it makes you feel used. If he really cares about you then he'll understand and be willing to slow down or help you feel less tired or maybe even romancing you a little bit before trying to have sex.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Honeypie nailed it. You need to tell him how he's making you feel with this. Many men are horrible at picking up on hints or signals. We need to be told there is a problem or we think nothing is wrong.
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A
female
reader, ashley187 +, writes (9 February 2011):
 Ahh I also experience this. My boyfriend now has anxiety and I have told his counselor that I think when things go wrong he obsesses about sex to try and make things better. If we fight, the only thing he rants about is how we dont have enough sex, and instead of trying to talk about things if we are fighting.. he thinks the answer is sex. How can you have sex with someone when they make you feel it's all you're good for? It pisses me off just thinking about it. And just like you.. when I say "no" I pay for it. He tells me "When I cuddle you, it makes me want to have sex with you" He can NEVER just hold my hand or be affectionate. If we aren't having sex in bed at night.. he sleeps with his back to me!! It's like.. that's all he cares about. It's not fair for your partner to make you feel like you HAVE to do it every night.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): my ex was a bit like that, he would sulk, get angry, or he would ask "is it wrong that i wanna make love to you" and if i replies no thinking thats sweet he wanted me he tried to have it anyway and only stopped when he noticed i was crying.
In my opinion try talking to him. If this doesnt work you need to figure out weather you can cope with it and if he is worth it. Sounds harsh and im sorry but if not and he wont give you a night or 2 off a week then maybe he isnt the right one
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2011):
 You talk to him! If you don't he won't know any better. The man is not a mind reader nor will he ever be.
I think he is being utterly selfish.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2011): It sounds to me like there are 2 problems here: a quantitative problem, and a qualitative one.
First of all, there is no 'right' or 'wrong' number of times to have sex per week. There are just different appetites. Clearly, your boyfriend wants sex more often than you do, so there is a mismatch here between your libidos. But this is not an unusual problem! In a healthy relationship, it is something that is up for negotiation - and that discussion should happen on a basis of mutual respect and desire to reach a point where you can both feel satisfied. Something is clearly going wrong in the dynamic between you, because instead of feeling like your own needs and wishes are being respected, you are feeling anxious and driven into sex against your will. That is not right! Sex only has value if it's freely given, and it should never ever become something that makes you feel so terrible about yourself.
He is wrong to DEMAND sex of you and then get angry if you don't feel like it. But equally, I am concerned that you say that you are often exhausted and just don't feel like sex - that's not healthy either. Perhaps there is an underlying problem behind this discrepancy between your sex drives? For instance, if a woman is working herself to the bone with a job and all the housework on top while a guy sits around and watches TV instead of helping out, it's not surprising that come the end of the day, she feels more like sleeping than making out. Maybe you need help with some of the stress and strain of your life to leave you more energy for the bedroom! There's nothing more mood killing than stress, so maybe you guys need to have a conversation about workload pressures and sex drive to see if you can find a 'middle way' that leaves you both with the energy you need at bedtime!
Secondly, it sounds as though there is a qualitative problem with the way in which your partner is having sex. You say that you want to feel 'intimate' and loved, and I'm guessing that at the moment when you do have sex, your own desires and needs aren't really being met. This may be a communication issue. Next time you feel ready for sex, show your partner how to please you - guide him, and tell him what to do. You can use it to tease him - promise him a favour, if he can bring you to orgasm first. Hopefully he'll get the idea! If you have to, explain to him that if he is more able to give you pleasure in a way that makes you feel valued and respected rather than devalued and ignored, you will feel more like having sex more regularly! (Honestly, you shouldn't have to spell this stuff out, but sometimes people can be selfish).
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