A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've had a big argument with my partner and I'm wondering if I'm in the wrong about it all.I have two children from a previous relationship who are 13 and 11 and I think they are well behaved. They do extremely well in school, at parents evening my daughter's teacher even said that she was a star, she helps him tidy books up and organise things lol. She's head girl too. I don't think they are perfect, though, all children are naughty sometimes. But they're certainly not awful.Well whenever my partner is a bit tired or grumpy the girls seem to annoy him. In the morning I make breakfast for him and the kids, I ask if they want drinks and stuff like that but he thinks that makes me soft and I'm their skivvy. The thing is I behave the same way toward him and he has no problem with that!Last week we had a five hour drive coming home from holiday. He drove and it made him tired, when the kids were talking he suggested to both of them they should just go to sleep. I fell asleep too but was woken up by him telling off my daughter because she had her feet on the back of my seat.I agree that she shouldn't have done it, it could have been dangerous while he was driving. But he ended up saying it was my fault she did it. He said 'you're the reason she behaves like that' then started to compare me to their stepmother. He said it wouldn't happen if their stepmother was there. I'm not on the best terms with stepmam, she makes things quite difficult. For example if I need to speak to their dad I have to ring or text her. So him making out that she has better parental skills than me has made me really annoyed.He does this all the time, he doesn't say 'you wouldn't do that with your dad, your dad wouldn't let that happen' he always brings her into it even though he's never seen her with my children.Am I overreacting about it all?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 April 2017):
 Honestly why are you with this man? He has no right to judge you or your children. I would kick him out and end things, put your children first. They are at a delicate age where they pick up on things and I would hate to think they feel like they are 'bad' children because off a boyfriend. Even if their dad is stricter on them that is up to you and their dad how to parent them. They need love and encouragement not torn down and told they are naughty children. They will also learn from you both that it is okay to allow men to treat them badly when they watch the way he talks to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): You call him a partner. Is he a live-in boyfriend or fiance?
You don't want to let him see your confrontational/bitchy side; because you want him to think you're a better woman than any of his exes. So you avoid confronting or challenging him. You spoil and pamper him to soothe the savage breast!
Bunk!!! Get a grip on this situation, girlfriend!
On the other-hand, you are suppressing the lioness raging inside you who wants to protect her cubs; and you're feeling like you are just about to explode. He also scares you! You don't want to run him off, and you'll be left raising two kids alone. So you're putting up with this crap!
You're a nice lady, but you've got to stand-up for your kids and put this brute in his place. He's a nightmare! He's purposely brow-beating you as a woman and a mother; in order to gain full control over you and the kids. First he has to make you question your own abilities and shake your confidence. He already sees you're very submissive and won't talk back. So he's bringing heavy-handed out-dated child-rearing tactics he's known from his dysfunctional-childhood, into your home.
You wanted a strong man to make you feel safe and protected. Instead you've got a bully pushing you and your kids around.
Your kids are not accustomed to his style of parenting, and you're going to begin seeing their spirits broken and their behavior will start to deteriorate. Now that would be partially your fault; because you're not intervening to block his harsh disciplinary actions against the girls. They don't require to be treated like they are rebellious teens with behavioral-problems and disrespectful of authority. They are only 11 and 13!!!
First, stop allowing any man to question your capabilities as a mother, or criticizing your parenting-skills. Even if you're scared and not used to being confrontational; under the circumstances, that kind of strong reaction is necessary.
Send the children to their rooms and separate them from him when he starts. Do not allow them to stand witness to his anger and insults. Demand he stop then and there. If he starts with personal-attacks, ask him to leave. You're not going to allow that behavior around the children, not even from their own biological father.
His comments are a direct insult and affront to you as a woman. That type of disrespect should never be done in-front of your children. They'll think that is how men are supposed to treat women. He is a male role-model. He should never put the children down for just being kids and making mistakes. Giving his negative opinions, making comparisons, and degrading the girls on the spot is grossly unacceptable.
It borders on abuse!!!
The girls count on you as their protector and trust you to have good judgment in the men you bring into your home to be around them. This kind of aggression and intimidation warrants you to make a serious decision to end it; or to remove him from your home.
When the children are out of the house is the best time to discuss these matters. He deserves an ultimatum. Stop or get out of your house! You will parent your daughters as you see fit; and if he doesn't like it, don't let the door hit him where nature split him! If he is the reasonable type, he'll tone it down.
You had best summon the courage to put the girls first, defend your honor as their mother, and inform him he will show you and your girls respect; or he will have to leave the house for good. Yes, the children come first! i don't care if he has paid the bills and provided financial-support. It's canceled-out when he mistreats you and your babies! When he puts you down!
How you parent your children is not the problem here. How you handle the man you brought into their lives is the problem.
You may have to struggle as a single-mother; but you've done a good job thus far. How they perform in school and get along with others is your report card as a mother!
They are well-adjusted; but for how long?
If you can't handle his behavior, and if he doesn't see you as his equal. He has to go!!!
You're the one who placed him in their lives, and it is you who had better grow the nuggets to deal with this guy. He is completely out of hand; and this is no time for cowardice, or placing your need for a man ahead of everything else.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2017): You are not overreacting, he is. It sounds like you have two well adjusted girls, don't let him change that. If he has a problem with your parent skills he should talk to you in private, and never compare you to someone else. Your top priority should be your girls, don't be with any man who doesn't show you or them respect. They are kids and they should feel wanted and loved.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 April 2017):
 I have to agree with the other Aunties,
Your BF is an ass.
I'd actually look a the bigger picture and try and suss out who he has an issue with your kids. Does he not understand what being a PARENT is all about? Sure, it's not about letting your kids get "away" with everything but it does mean SUPPORT them, love then and help them grow. Not berate them over little things.
As for comparing you to your ex-husband's new wife... WTF? That is so ridiculous I don't even get why you feel hurt. HE doesn't know her from Eve, all he knows is that YOU don't like being compared to her. So he USES HER to inflict pain on you... Who does that?
IS this REALLY a guy you WANT around your kids? Do you really think it's GOOD for the kids to have a man who is dating their mom criticizing them? Do you not take a stand?
Sorry, I have 3 amazing kids, sure they can be brats, WE ALL can - if I was dating a man who took it upon himself to get up on some "know it all pedestal" and judge ME and MY kids, I'd kick him to the curb. I'd rather be single than have a man do THAT to my kids.
Teens need male role models but not THAT kind.
As for the "step mom and HER rules"... WHO elected her Pope? why should you have to GO through HER to talk to the father of your children? What's going on there?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 April 2017):
 You need to grow a backbone and stick up for your girls before they start to feel like they matter less than this idiot of a boyfriend you have acquired.
It appears from your post that you have three children, not two. He is supposed to be the adult, yet he is more badly behaved and petulant than the children.
And running down your parenting skills is bang out of order.
I do wonder why you are still with this man.
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A
male
reader, Phil052 +, writes (26 April 2017):
 He seems to be completely unreasonable. I agree with Aunty Bim Bim!
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A
male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (26 April 2017):
You need to dump this controlling abusive asshole. He is a complete tool.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2017): I wouldn't put up with that tell him to shut up ...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2017): No you are not over reacting. He seems to be there only for the benefits he is getting from you such as free accomodations and other services. Now you know it is up to you what to do.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 April 2017):
 Your partner is a prat! I am assuming you live in the same house, whose it is?
The fact he compares your parenting skills unfavourably to their step mother's even though he has never seen her interacting with your children says heaps.
He is an arse!
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