A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I feel terrible and ill because my partner has basically said i have ruined his life.We got together a few years ago in uni and had been saving for ages to get a house together. due to him being a little hot and cold (loved me but didnt know if he was right for a relationship) we decided to have space for a little while.weve stayed in contact since then but today on the phone he was quite down talking about money and job troubles. thats when he basically said 'youve ruined my life' he says its not that and we just met at the wrong time but i feel like im to blame for everything.what can i do to make him feel better? im not sure how to handle this? i never wanted it to get so bad for him?
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female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (6 December 2012):
 I think he just said it in the heat of the moment and didnt actually mean it. However I think you should tell him how much it hurt you when he said it. Just tell him youre there if he wants to talk, but dont expect much from him relationshipwise as people can often get confused about their feelings when theyre in a rough situation.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (6 December 2012):
 Children are often/usually identified by their need to find aomeone/anyone else to be "to blame" for their woes in life....
Your "partner" sounds like just such a child.
I suggest that you let his whining "run off your back." He's got problems....let HIM deal with them....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 December 2012):
 I will agree fully with the other answers. YOU did not ruin his life.
HE might feel that way, because THAT is MUCH easier for him to say/feel then actually OWN his own "failures" or mistakes.
Life is a series of lessons. Some we learn from making mistakes, others from seeing others do so. Nothing is ever 100% right 100% of the time.
I would tell him how it made you feel, but I would also VERY strongly reevaluate this relationship.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (6 December 2012):
 How exactly have you ruined his life? Can you provide examples of things he says you've done?He is responsible for his life and happiness, not you. He needs to take responsibility for himself and stop dwelling on past disappointments.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2012):
 YOU did not ruin his life. ONLY he can ruin his life.
He's blaming you for his bad fortune.
YOU can't make him feel better. AND you can't fix it for him.
I think that for all involved the best thing for you to do is (as painful as it is) walk away from him and the relationship.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (6 December 2012):
 Look he is an adult, he is responsible for his own finances, his own job, his own life...his own happiness. If he is unhappy it is his own fault, not yours. He is simply taking his bad mood out on you because he knows you will put up with him.
He should apologise for being horrible to you, that sort of comment is not acceptable in a relationship and you shouldnt be the one feeling bad here, that is an awful thing to say. He supposedly loves you, if that were true he would never want to deliberately hurt you by saying something like that.
He was being deliberately nasty to try and hurt you, because he is feeling down at the moment he thinks it is acceptable to take his crap out on you. He needs to know that saying these kind of things is NOT ok, and he cant get away with it.
So whatever you do, dont try and cheer him up or make him feel better. He is in the wrong, not you - so if you try and make him feel better he will only see that you will accept any kind of verbal abuse he throws at you and continue to take his bad moods out on you.
If I were you I'd just give him some space now to sort himself out, he got himself into this mess so he needs to work out how to get out of it. Ok so perhaps you were too young to try and save for a house and there was too much pressure on him to save money (there is no need to buy houses so young, it simply is not possible in today's economic environment), but if he couldnt afford to save or didnt want to save he should have said something.
As I said before, he is a grown up in charge of his own happiness and his own future - you havent forced him to do anything, so this is his own mess and he needs to stop being such a baby. I could never put up with a man like this, I hate people that blame others instead of looking at themselves to deal with their problems. He needs a big wake up call, he needs to grow up, make some plans for the future and stop acting like a depressed teenager. He is old enough to sort his own life out now.
So dont you do anything at all - either have a stern word with him and tell him to snap out of it, or give him the cold shoulder for a while until he realises he is being a big baby. There are people in far worse situations out there, he needs to get a grip.
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