A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm really hoping for some help. I think you guys are great (I've posted on here before) and now I'm very upset so I thought maybe I could get some perspective here. I've been with my partner since 2002 and when I first met him he was loving, funny and kind but I did see a side to him that he could be a bit sexist and he made some rude comments about prostitutes etc, which I just took as a joke at the time.He has been married before and that ended badly but it's hard to tell what happened because he blames his ex and she blames him! My problem is his behaviour towards me has got worse and worse. He makes comments about my weight, sneers at where I live (in a council house), never misses the chance to have a dig at me. Every negative thing that happens he picks up on it. I actually work full time, look after myself and am well educated but I can't afford to buy my own house yet because I've been a single parent for over ten years and been rebuilding my life and it takes time .. He seems to me to be insecure but I am wondering is he just going off me and this is his way of driving to drive us apart, or is this his true personality (his ex said he put her down a lot too ..). He is ten years older than me and will be 53 next year so I would have thought he would want to settle down and make things work but he seems to think he is going to go off and get a younger woman, who is slimmer etc .. (the way he talks sometimes I think this is his fantasy). Anyhow, my big upset here is that lately, I was feeling unwell and my doctor thinks I might have MS but I have to go for more tests. Fortunately it is mild so far and the doctor says the prognosis is good based on my presenting symptoms and how slowly they have appeared so far. I am trying to carry on as normal but I do get more tired. My partner is now saying 'oh not only are you a single parent from a council house, who is overweight but I've ended up with someone who is ill as well - Great!!'. He seems to feel that he is with someone lesser than him and seems to think he is hard done by. He is less educated than me and often makes digs about me 'buying' my degree over the internet (of course, this is not true, i studied hard for it for four years whilst bringing up my children on my own and working full time - doing the study part time in the evenings, then went on to do a masters and now am getting better paid jobs etc). It's a real blow to me, after all I have been through, to have an underlying health issue and in many ways he has been my anchor. I am still scared of losing him but sometimes the way he behaves really upsets me. He is moody and can be sulky and sometimes reminds me of a small boy. Also, he likes to watch films that I don't like, including old hammer horror films and re-runs of the same old comedies and if one of my children is watching the TV he gets angry and sulks if he can't watch his stuff straightaway but when his son is here, he bends over backwards to make sure his son is ok. I am feeling worn out with his behaviour and don't know what to do. He refuses to go for counselling and said to me 'if we go for counselling i will annihilate you and you will regret it' and 'YOU are the one who needs to go for counselling you've got problems'. The thing is that he appears so NORMAL to other people, although he has no friends and his family don't bother with him much. I am considered to be more bubbly than him and I have been told I am the 'more vibrant' half of the couple and I wonder whether this bothers him too? Can anyone reading this from outside shed any light on the behaviour?? I would really appreciate some help as some nights I have cried myself to sleep after he has been nasty to me. On the other hand he can be loving, funny and generous etc. He also suffers from some impotence which he blames on me for being overweight but I know that this happened with his ex also and she was very slim and fit etc .. I myself am not that big, about a size 16, quite tall medium build and I do take good care of myself overall and do exercise and want to lose some weight. Sorry for the long old post and thanks for reading.
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his ex, insecure, overweight, prostitute, puts me down, the internet Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LaPointe  +, writes (12 January 2010):
Yes, you need to leave him, he is being emotionally abusive. He is selfish as all getup, and you seem like a wonderful woman who deserves somebody much better. Your health should be a major concern to somebody who loves you, they should want to work with you to help you cope and get better - not blame you for it and act like it is a burden on them. And any man who tells you cruel things about your body is being abusive and unnecessary. Even if he did think you needed to lose weight, the best thing would be to say he was concerned for your health or wellbeing - which is the only thing he should be concerned about. Appearances change, and he should love the person inside of you, although it sounds like you're probably adorable. Your partner should bring you up - not put you down. Maybe not all the time (nobody is perfect) but at least, like, 85-90% of the time.
They say successful long-term relationships are found to have a ratio of 5 compliments to 1 criticism.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (12 January 2010):
I'm begging of you, leave this man. He doesn't love you at all. And his impotence is certainly not your fault. To be honest, it sounds like he's angry with his ex and women in general, so it taking it out on you. there isn't anything wrong with you at all. But please leave him. He's no good for you, or for anyone else at all. And don't make the mistake of thinking it will change, because it won't. He's just an angry old man who doesn't deserve anything. His ex wife clearly is right in blaming him. If he was acting like this in the marriage, no wonder she ran away. And what man actually says 'if we go to counselling, I will annihilate you'. Please leave, don't settle for this.
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A
male
reader, Honest Answer  +, writes (12 January 2010):
 I don't know if this relationship is worth saving. Right now, the most important thing is your health, and your partner isn't being supportive of it. If anything, he is causing you more heartache than anything else. If it were up to me, I would suggest you leaving him. This relationship is poison. For some unknown reason, he doesn't respect you (job, education, or as a person in general). Let this guy go, and begin working on getting better.You seem like a lovely woman, I know you can do better!Good Luck!Jeff
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2010): oh my gosh. this man is extremely insecure and feels threatened by you. the only way to make himself feel better is to put you down. ask yourself one reason what makes you so unworthy that you should be that punching bag for him. if he were any value of a man at all, he would have the capability of being honest with himself and acknowledge his OWN shortcomings, at the very least one or two of this extremely long list. but he is incapable and miserable with himself so he knows no other personality other than that of "bully." i would imagine that by not leaving him you are afraid of one thing: being lonely. don't you feel lonely being WITH him? lonely and constantly insulted? lonely and belittled, degraded? please please consider the alternative: "lonely" and esteem-building. self respect. empowered. independent. do yourself a favor and break up with this immature loser. he will never grow up and will die a mean and unhappy man. don't go down that road with him. live the rest of your life as the educated, worthy, good-hearted woman you were meant to be. this man is the opposite of all those things and WILL NOT change. forget the amount of time "invested" with him. you made a bad investment, now lose this energy-sucking man and be the best woman you can be without some a-hole trying to bring you down to his level. make the change TODAY!!! good luck.
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