A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:both me and my partner both work my partner thinks he lives in the old days thinks its down to the woman to do all the chores and dinner and gardening i feel this is very unfair he wants to get married and im undecided with way our relationship is going where do i go from here ? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 July 2016):
 I personally would deal with it by saying "well if you want a traditional home, hen I'll quit my job and take care of you but you must support me in the lifestyle I'm accustomed to with both salaries" Then stop. When he starts to WHINE about it you continue with
"oh well if you want/need me to work, then I NEED you to ... and outline what YOU need him to do"
IN our house we WERE traditional in that my husband took out the trash and I did the indoor stuff (laundry and cooking) we have a maid every other week for heavy cleaning and sheet changing as I am unable to do these things due to my own medical issues and he uses the excuse that he's chemically sensitive.
Now he is, due to medical issues a house husband and I am supporting him.
WE are in marriage counseling and he finally has come to understand that if he WANTS to remain as a house husband (and he does) that HE needs to start taking over some of the household chores.
I just stopped doing them. I stopped going to the grocery store and left the list for him. I stopped emptying the dishwasher and left it for him.
My next big project (with the help of our counselor as I have to do with with baby steps) is teaching him to do the laundry.
After that we will teach him to cook.
what i do now is when I get home and he says what's for dinner I say "you were home all day what did you plan" and he says "nothing" and I say "i'm not cooking" so he eats cereal or we order take out. it's worse than raising children. I could at least send them to their rooms...
It's killing our marriage. NO one likes chores and if they do then they go into the business of cleaning or cooking or doing laundry...
what happens if you just don't do these things and let them pile up will he live in filth? if so then do NOT marry him as it will not get better.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 July 2016):
 He is not old fashioned, he is just lazy.
In the old days women did 100% of house chores... but men provided 100% of the yearly income. And , gardening ? Heavy manual labour ? No way ; male thing.
Until the 50's my grandmother used to have some land, tended by sharecroppers and their families. So, we are talking about robust , no frills peasants here, no dainty princesses. Yet , the women, who were expected to do their share on the fields, same as men- inside the house,though, weren't supposed to do , weren't ALLOWED actually, to do certain " male " things. One of which was tending their own vegetable gardens, or chopping wood for the fireplace, or carrying up coal from the cellar, or hosing the courtyard, whitewashing their kitchens... eh plenty of " male " jobs in the good old times. Not to mention that most householders would simply pass their WHOLE wage to the missus, who'd give them back just some coins for cheap tobacco and ONE bottle of wine on weekends .
Tell your bf that if he is so keen on the good old times, you can try and bring them back. You stay home and take 100% care of the house, he goes to work, MAKES enough for the two of you , passes you his stipend to save or spend as you see fit , and can keep for himself the price of 2 or 3 beers once a week ( no tobacco... it's not PC anymore :).
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2016):
 I would not marry him! He can't be "old-fashioned" while simultaneously enjoying the income that your job brings into the household. "old-fashioned" means that not only is he the sole-provider of the household, but that he also does all the "heavy lifting" chores as well, meaning cleaning gutters, outdoor work, basic automobile mechanic duties like changing oil, brakes, and washing the cars.
This also means that in the summer, he's doing a LOT of grilling, and of course, the infamous 1950's style "honey-do" list, meaning painting, hanging curtains, fixing and re-caulking bathrooms, yearly self-maintenance of furnaces and air-conditioner units, and all of that on TOP of both a good paying full-time job AND a house.
In comparison to a wife cooking and cleaning and NOT having a job, a true old-fashioned husband doesn't watch sports while the woman slaves. NO WAY! Not only that, but if he's ACTUALLY old-fashioned, then that means he spent a stint in the military like a lot of the WW2 Dads out there, meaning he's very clean and organized with his clothes and wouldn't dream of leaving socks or underwear or clothes lying around, and the very idea of clutter would have him unthinkingly cleaning up after himself as a second nature.
I said all that to say this: I highly doubt that he's truly old-fashioned, rather that he's mistaking his partner for his mother who used to pick up after him, make his bed, and feed him when he was 10 years old. Some moms never train their kids to do chores, and that's the bane of their future spouses/partners.
Have a serious talk with him. Tell him that the old days are gone, and that if the income is coming from more than one source, the chores will be done by more than one person. If he is rigid about this and insists on not doing chores, yet expecting you to work and have a career on top of doing all of the "women's work" (I say that extremely sarcastically), you have to decide if this is a dealbreaker.
I can tell you this - it WOULD be a dealbreaker for me. If he insists on not doing cleaning work, he better pony up the cash, like Honeypie said, to hire a maid service to do that chore. And - if he expects you to cook, then he gets to do the dishes as happily as you cooked for him. The days of his being "mommied" are OVER.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 I recently watched a TV series of a (British) family giving up their 21st-Century gadgets and travel back in time to discover the radical transformation of our leisure time since 1950’s to the present.
I noted in the 50’s: women predominately stayed at home; it was a one income household, spending money was very limited, and they tended to all the domestics by hand before gadgets were later introduced. Here from the 50’s on-wards, men tended to yard work such as gardening, mowing, repairs, home improvements and their hobbies.
The male gender mainly appeared outside in his shed throughout the decades while the women of each decade were inside performing household domestics, being creative, doing the entertaining and caring for children. (It was later in the late 70’s women sort to work part-time and still maintained the household.)
Today, there are some men like your partner who thinks women can/should cope with going to work (part/full-time) and assume our role as domestic without struggle or dispute. Evidently this not so!
Basically women have evolved through the decades in this area while some men remain in the 50’s/60’s era capsule. These men do have a mental struggle with this evolution that now requires them to share domestics… yet they’re not born domestic by design or from their upbringing!? Hence conflict ensues in the modern day household?
From my observation at home; sure they can pick-up after themselves, wash/wipe/stack dishes, iron shirts, take off the bed sheets for washing, bring in/sort the laundry, do the gardening, take out the trash, peel potatoes, take us out for dinner when we’re too tied to cook, buy us flowers, fix something around the house, have a hobby, and buy new appliances when needed… but anything more than that seems to stir gender conflict within them.
Personally I do not think this is divorce material based on the little you’ve written… (What’s the size of your home?) You’re both house proud people by the sounds of it and a busy working couple. I think for this type of man you’ll have to approach him differently on this subject than most.
If you suggest as mentioned, he hire a cleaner he may rebuke this solution… so try to appeal to his want of you having more couple time together by hiring? IF this does not appeal to him, discuss the appeal of having a loving partner who shares and participates in chores to keep them happy from not leaving.
OR remind him of his role as a man in the “old days”; where you stay at home, he provide 100% of the income and you spend it :)
CAA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): Compromise. Take turns cooking, or share the experience. He probably can't cook. If it's a housekeeper he's looking for, there is an easy remedy to that. Split the cost of a housekeeper or house-cleaning service to come in 2-3 times a week. Let him do his own laundry, or put it on the list of chores for the housekeeper.
Keep marriage on hold until you iron-out your differences.
If he's stubborn and inflexible, he's a bad match.
If you're both stubborn and inflexible; you're incompatible, and marriage will never work.
Don't say yes on a promise he might change. If he doesn't believe in compromise, you had better think twice. He may only want to marry you to be his cook and housekeeper.
Getting married over 40, is usually for the long-haul. Until death, in most cases. If you feel you can live with him for the rest of your life, go ahead and marry him.
If you can't envision him as your husband until the end, remain his girlfriend until you don't want to anymore.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Well if you are already fighting about the chores. . . . .
Well compatibility may be the problem, but it could be something else. Some people just hate certain chores. my SIL hates cooking, My Wife hates folding Laundry, I hate hand washing dishes. But doing these things together is fun. Especially if someone isn't telling someone else that they are not doing it right.
You do have one thing right. Any relationship that requires a chore chart, is not a marriage. I'd keep that foot down until you get this worked out. And I don't mean some strict division of time or responsibilities. I mean a solution that makes you both happy.
You can both be unhappy alone.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 If you are both working full time, then the cooking and cleaning should be done equally. His attitude towards women is crap and it is not someone I would want a future with. Be honest with him about how you feel and hopefully he will compromise with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): Definitely don't marry the guy if that is his view! If I were in your position Id tell him that if he expects you to do all the chores then you expect him to provide all the income. Draw up a list of chores and split it in half and if he doesn't want to do his half then tell him he will have to pay someone to come in and do his share (from his income not yours).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Tell him you don't believe in that, and since you are both working there are 2 choices:
1. SHARE the chores. Let's say you are a GREAT cook, he is a GREAT gardener... it's then obvious that you take on more of the cooking and he take on more of the gardening. OR you CHOOSE to do things together. Like cook together, garden together etc.
2. PAY someone to do the chores NEITHER of you like. Like GET a cleaning lady. Because' let's be honest why ENJOYS cleaning? Yet, it NEEDS done.
I would NOT marry him till this is sorted out and agreed upon. If he can't bend a little and compromise to a solution you can BOTH be happy with.. then I would re-consider this guy as a long term partner.
You should NOT be the ONLY person in the relationship/marriage to make sacrifices and compromises while HE gets to do what he wants.
And maybe... it's about flipping time he accept this new "millennia" where there are no "set in stone" GENDER roles in the home. SO what, that he grew up that way? It's not the 1800's any more. Because he has a penis he can't cook, clean, shop, garden? Seriously?
Bet you he is totally OK with you paying 50% of the living expenses even though you probably make less than him. (statistically speaking that would be very common).
In short - STICK to your standard, your values, your beliefs, but find compromises that you both can agree to that will fit those standards.
I Do the majority of chores around here. Husband work outside of the home, I have "seasonal" work IN the home. He does the shopping, take care of the trash, occasionally mow the lawn, does his own laundry, pay all bills that aren't payable online, occasionally "cooks" (that means take out or taking us all out to eat), Takes care of the vehicles, does the chauffeur job for the kids the majority of the time. The rest? I do it. However, if I need something done he will do it, no fuss no muss. That is how WE work it.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (20 July 2016):
 Does he bring it up a lot?
How much does it affect you?
How much does it bother you?
Your post is too vague to give you any helpful advice, other than "leave if it constantly bothers you".
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