A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for 8 months and as I'm no spring chicken I've got to be economical with time. I've wasted too much in the past with an emotionally unavailable man. This one looked promising as we get on well and enjoy each other's company. He invited me to join him in Canada 3 months after meeting and we had a great time. Although he's 50 miles away we spend Friday to Monday together. He's affectionate with me and I've met some of his family and adult children and he mine. My niggles are that he's not very communicative in the week. He doesn't often phone and his texts are usually brief. His language isn't loving and he barely reciprocates my caring comments. It's always me saying goodnight, miss you, thinking of you etc. He doesn't do gifts and hasn't mentioned love at all. A few weeks ago I told him that I'd like more communication and that I wasn't sure how he felt about me. Since then he has phoned a bit more. He said he was very fond of me but I feel that if things haven't changed after a year, I can't see that they ever will. Does it make sense to impose some 'unofficial' deadline (not one that he knows about - one that exists in my head) on these things?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 July 2016):
 I totally understand where you are coming from, I would want to hear an ' I love you ' from my partner after being together 8 months. I would be left wondering why he has not told me. 8 months is a long time.
Here is the thing, maybe he does not express himself well with words or shares your lovey dovey comments. We are all different, maybe he feels awkward expressing his emotions to you. The best thing to do is talk to him about it, just be honest and ask him how he feels about you. You have been together long enough now he should no what he wants. What I would be looking for though is how he treats you when you are together, because actions mean a lot more than words, anyone can say I love you, but it is showing it that really counts.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not saying he doesnt 'care' about me - he does tick some boxes but there's no evidence that he isn't an emotionally unavailable man. There are no words of affirmation that you might expect after this length of time. He does express verbal affection to members of his family so he's capable of it. I think its reasonable to have expectations at stages of the relationship. There has to be some sort of cut off when the other person says this isn't good enough, I'm not carrying on forever hoping you are going to declare love.
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (21 July 2016):
 Yet....
"He's affectionate with me".....
As So Very writes:
"I learned to listen to his actions"
I think this is something you may have to do because from what you saying here his actions dont indicate there is anything wrong with how he is feeling about you.
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (21 July 2016):
Hi YouWish
Thank you.
I know you werent was just giving a different perspective :)
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (21 July 2016):
 OMG this sounds just like my relationship with my now husband.
we met and lived 90 miles apart.
early on he told me that he would never say "I love you" even if he felt it as he had never said it.
but we spent every weekend together.
when I told him I needed more contact during the week we came up with a compromise that worked for both of us. He needed less than I did but he gave me what i Needed so I let the whole "I love you" go.
I learned to listen to his actions...
the fist time he said "I love you" he couldn't bring himself to say it he said 'I love you too" and I had not said "I love you" to him. My gf was there and called him on it.
for a while our "I love you" was "damn you to hell" because that was what I said to him when I realized I was in love with him (and i did not want to be)
NOW (after 6 years together and 3.5 years of marriage) he says "I love you" much more frequently but up until the first two years we were married I could count on one hand how often he said it.
you say his comments are not loving and he does not reciprocate your caring comments so I ask what does he do that makes you think he cares about you?
are his actions enough?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDarrell G - I take on board your comments but you are making an assumption without evidence that my perception is wrong. I have ample evidence to know that what I say is true. His language isn't loving and he doesn't reciprocate my caring comments.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2016):
 You have a good point, DarrellG!
I wasn't trying to criticize the guy. My father was more emotionally aloof as well, speaking more in terms of logic and intellectual analysis rather than emotional declarations.
I share your sympathy for the guy as well.
...............................
A
male
reader, DarrellG +, writes (21 July 2016):
I think YouWish makes many good points. Having said that, I feel a bit of sympathy for this guy and cant help feeling your being a tad impatient. You cant rush or force feelings to happen on your time and to expect them to happen like that is a shade disrespectful to your partner. So, it may be the men you pick as YouWish states or frankly it may be your impatience. You say:"Although he's 50 miles away we spend Friday to Monday together. He's affectionate with me and I've met some of his family and adult children and he mine. My niggles are that he's not very communicative in the week. He doesn't often phone and his texts are usually brief. His language isn't loving and he barely reciprocates my caring comments."There is enough contradiction in this for me to think your perception may be governed by your frustration and may not entirely square with reality. I think you need to sit down and have a think to yourself, maybe talk to someone you can trust in confidence who is on the outside and has seen you together and see what they think because they will be able to bring a fresh pair of eyes to the situation and often that helps and it may, just may, help you see things differently as opposed to through the prism of your own frustration. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 July 2016):
I read your post, and something you said jumped out at me:
"I've wasted too much in the past with an emotionally unavailable man."
As you have said, you've been around the block a few times, and you're not naive to the way things work, and that's in your favor. However, I think that the truth is staring you in the face:
You may have a pattern of being attracted to emotionally distant men. If you find that you've wasted too much time in the past, you'll never break the pattern if you don't recognize it in the first place.
The guy may make an effort for a time to please you, but you can never change someone. You must make a choice of whether or not you can accept him now AS HE IS, or if it's a dealbreaker. If you can live with him NEVER saying he loves you, you may have to.
If you decide you've had enough wasting time on unemotionally demonstrative guys, you'll have to do more than just leaving *him*. You'll have to, going forward, go for guys you typically wouldn't consider to be YOUR TYPE.
Patterns are hard to break, and you'll always have this problem, though it may be with different faces or names, unless you change your criterion of attraction or attributes, because you can never change a guy. You need to find one you can be with AS IS.
...............................
|
